Find You Worthy
by Darkira
Summary: Jasper is a scarred and broken bookstore owner. Edward has lived an easy life. When they randomly meet and Edward becomes interested in Jasper, is there a chance he could find a way to solve this puzzle or will Jasper never trust anyone again? AH/AU/J&E/M
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer**: I do not own anything related to Twilight. Nor do I own any of the lyrics, quotes or any obscure pop culture references in this or any other stories I write. I do, however, own my imagination. All mine. My precious.... Also, this will eventually have lemons in it. You have been warned.

**AN:** Thanks for AHelm for reading the first chapter or two. This whole concept of making Jasper a bit less perfect has been circling my mind for weeks now. This is my Scarsper to AHelm's Inksper. ;) And my Edward...he isn't quite the usual Edward either. But you'll have to wait for meeting his true self until the second chapter...

So this is Find You Worthy, Chapter 1, hope you like it.

**Find You Worthy**

JPOV

In my dreams I was brave. In my dreams I was bold. In my dreams I was beautiful. In my dreams I got the man I wanted and he wanted me back, with passion.

I woke up with a raging, painful hard on and always alone. I got up, walked to my bathroom and took a shower. I jerked off, I brushed my teeth, I put some clothes on and walked to the shop to work.

On the way to the bookstore I occasionally saw someone glancing at me. Their expressions were always different based on which side of my face they saw. When it was my right side, there was awe. I could see them, both women and men, looking at me like I was some Greek statue or an angel like I once heard an old lady whisper as I walked by.

I was an angel on one side, yes. I knew I could have looked perfect. My body was, mostly, just that. But the left side of my face was scarred. I had been in an accident when I was ten and I refused to get plastic surgery. My parents insisted on it but I told him, even at that age, that I'd never talk to them again if they would put me through that in addition to what had happened.

They didn't. So I was scarred for life, both outside and inside. Or so my sister Rosalie says. She's the perfect one. Nothing short of a swimsuit model with her perfect proportions, her long blonde hair and her radiant smile. When she smiles. She doesn't that much.

She used to when we were little. But after the accident she stopped and I know why. See, before the accident we were both lovely. We were the prettiest children anyone could ask, little angels like the ladies from our mom's church group said.

After the accident that she thinks has something to do with her even though it has been proved otherwise by both the police and yours truly, she changed. She would do anything for me. I know that. She says that she hates how the confident little boy I used to be turned in to a shy and awkward man.

I tell her to butt out of my life. I'm twenty-five and I don't need anyone's pity. In the last fifteen years I've had more than plenty. From every possible person. We already work together, Rosie and myself, because we own our bookstore together, and she shares blood with me so that's enough. For me. For her, not so much.

The morning he walked in to my life I opened the door to the shop a few minutes past eight in the morning because I had some stuff to do before we'd open at nine. Our trainee, Leah, would come in at ten but Rosie had a day off. I hoped the day would be quiet. We had some serious business, we made a proper living, both my sister and me, but I wanted the quiet days more than I wanted the busy ones. Especially when Rosie wasn't there and there was the chance I would have to be downstairs to serve customers and with that came the looks. The ones that screamed 'ohmygodwhathappenedtoyou'. Luckily most people didn't ask. I wasn't about to explain.

You would think I had gotten used to it. Maybe they would stare less if I looked plain on the other side? I attract attention for two reasons and there's nothing I can do about it. I don't like either kind of attention. I'd love to spend my time upstairs in the shop alone with my books. They take me away from the shit that some people call life.

I locked the door behind me and went to the little back room on the ground level of the shop to put the coffeemaker on. Then I walked up the stairs to do some accounting and stopped just to go get the coffee. I had gotten an email too, from a guy that collected Shakespeare like I did and whose collection I was going to borrow for a little exhibit we'd have in September for the three-year anniversary of the shop.

I nearly missed the opening time, luckily Mr. Harris, an elderly gentleman who was always on time for the opening ever Wednesday, knocked on the glass and I rushed downstairs to open the door.

"Morning Mr. H." I told him and smiled.

"Good morning to you, Jasper. All alone today? Where's that gorgeous sister of yours?" he asked as he walked in and waited for me to prop the door open.

"Rosie is off today. Leah will come in later. Only me right now. So, what can I do for you?" I asked, going behind the counter.

We had a cash register and a computer-based system that pretty much kept track of the books we had.

"Anything new I'd be interested?" he asked and looked around the shelf where we put the new books for the first three days before moving them to the correct sections of the store.

Our system was pretty odd, I have to admit that, but it worked for us. We had our regulars who wanted certain things and they could get them easily if they happened to come by on the right day. Of course we had lists for several of our clients. They had the first picks on their favorites.

"No, I'm afraid nothing on your list and no new editions of Joyce either." I shook my head.

I pushed the button on my iPod that was docked on the counter. So technically I should have been paying royalties for playing music in the shop but I couldn't bother.

The familiar sound of Cannonball began to play and I heard Mr. H sigh.

"I'll figure out something more upbeat when I feel more upbeat." I told him, just like I always do when he complains about my taste in music.

He chuckled a bit and went to the classics-section of the shop. I began to sort out some stuff downstairs and stayed there until Leah appeared to run the show for me.

She was a great girl. One of the few people who never treated me like there was anything special about my appearance. I even heard her tell some giggly teenaged girls that it was 'none of their damn business' what happened to me when she heard them speak behind my back.

I worked upstairs for the day, when Leah needed something she'd holler and I'd go see what it was about. Usually I just leaned over the railing and answered her questions without actually going downstairs.

It was my lunch time when she called for me again. I had been about to leave the shop in the next five minutes so I had my denim jacket over my white dress shirt and my black leather pants. I like leather pants for some reason.

I had my iPod upstairs and I took it with me. It was my favorite accessory after all. I listened to music, always. I was already humming the next song on my playlist I had paused while walking down the stairs.

There was a new person in the shop, waiting for me to descend the stairs. He stood in front of the counter and Leah was behind it. I took one glance at him, I was walking the stairs so that my right side was to him. He checked me out, I could tell. I could also tell he thought I was good looking. I wanted to see his expression once I was face to face with him.

Never stopping the humming I walked to the end of the counter.

"What's up Lee?" I asked her, glancing at the man who looked at me and blinked.

"Jasper, this is Edward Cullen, he's looking for a book for his father for his birthday. Some old anatomy guide?"

"Gray's Anatomy?" I asked the guy and he nodded, a bit stunned still. "I'm sorry, Leah is new so she doesn't yet know everything by heart." I grinned, knowing that it made the contrast on my face even stronger.

Honestly I don't know where I got the courage. Edward Cullen was pretty stunning. Maybe it was because I was speaking of a book. Something I know more thoroughly than probably most people I knew. I was in my environment, my shop, and even if he was gorgeous I always knew that there was absolutely nobody that would have me.

That took the pressure off these situations for me. I didn't try to date or get to know people. The few friends I had, had been there for me since before the accident and a couple of them were after-accident friends who had stuck around without me making much effort.

Rosie said that was my flaw. I did nothing until I knew people would actually stick around and be there for me even though I treated them like crap. She was probably right.

Edward cleared his throat.

"Y-yes, I was thinking that he has a later edition of it, I think from the fourties. But the earliest possible I could find would be perfect. He is turning fifty so it's a special occasion." he said and looked more sure of himself suddenly.

His tone had started a bit hesitant but what he said ended with some more conviction, he was serious about this which I immediately liked. He had probably thought it a lot, what he would get his father and had come to this conclusion somehow.

"He's a doctor?" I asked while thinking about it.

"Yes, a general surgeon." Edward nodded to me.

"Well I don't think I have any copies around at the moment. No, wait...there's a 1977 edition somewhere but that's too new..." I pondered out loud and I caught his disappointment.

"Oh...okay..." he sighed a bit and ran his fingers through his already messy hair.

"I think I know someone who might be ready to give up his copy from 1859 though..." I said thoughtfully and even though I wasn't looking at Edward directly, I could see his eyes light up.

"Really? Isn't that the first American edition?" he asked, his eyes were sparkling.

"Yes, it is. I've been trying to buy it off this collector friend of mine but since I don't really need it he has refused so far. I'm the only person he's willing to sell it to, so I might be able to strike a deal but it's really an expensive book. We're talking about..." I grabbed a pen and paper from the counter and scribbled down a number. "something like this." I held it out to Edward.

"That's more than I thought because I didn't think I'd actually find that early an edition. But I think my sister Alice would pitch in and dad will only turn fifty once..." he said and the hopeful expression never left his face.

"Okay, give me two days. Come back on Friday evening. We close at five so if you can, be here at quarter to. I'll figure this out for you." I smiled briefly before looking at Leah.

"I'm off to lunch, so hold the fort and call my cell if you need me?" I asked and she nodded.

I put the headphones on but didn't press play because Edward was leaving the shop at the same time.

"You were humming My Funny Valentine." he pointed out as we were walking out of the shop.

"Excuse me?" I raised an eyebrow but then just as he added the words I remembered.

"While you were coming down the stairs. I heard you hum it." he said and smiled a bit.

"Yes, I was. Sorry, I'm a bit slow today." I mumbled and smiled again.

I was officially out of my comfort zone, my shop.

"Why is it called Puzzle?" he asked me, nodding back towards the shop.

"For that exact reason." I chuckled, because for some reason it amused me that he asked.

He frowned, trying to think about it but didn't get it.

"I'll tell you on Friday. I hope it's not too late. I mean when is his birthday?" I asked, managing to get my business-self on before I was turned back in to my usual fumbling mess of a self.

"Oh, next Thursday but I'm already on my fourth week of searching. And I'm making you keep your promise if I don't figure it out before Friday!" he told me just as he pushed the remote on his car keys.

A silver, fancy looking Volvo made that annoying sound. I waved my hand at him, walking to the opposite direction.

"See you then." I told him and he nodded before vanishing to his car.

I walked to my usual lunch spot, a little family owned café a couple of blocks away. They had lovely sandwiches I liked to indulge myself with occasionally.

"The usual?" Sarah, the owner's daughter asked when she saw me stepping in. I blushed slightly and walked to my usual corner booth. After a few minutes Sarah came over with a tall orange juice and two chicken sandwiches.

"Here you go. Coffee and apple pie for dessert?" she asked with a nice, polite smile. I nodded.

That was how I communicated with people outside the shop. At least right now the stuttering hadn't started yet. Probably because I wasn't speaking much. In my shop or when talking about books I was a different person. Or at home or Rosie's place. In the real world I was shy, blushing and stuttering wreck.

There was the daily paper on my table and suddenly some older lady asked me if she could take it, if I was reading it.

"N-no, please, go ahead." I said and turned my head and heard her gasp silently and then she snagged the paper and retreated to her table. Great. Another spooked person.

It wasn't like I could help it at all. I pushed play. On the way my player had gone through it's playlist and was back to Damien. 9 Crimes. I loved the song. I sighed, dug in to my first sandwich and tried to relax.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: **Still don't own anything but a vivid imagination. All things Twi belong to SM. Also, it's pretty obvious that you're reading a slashfic, if that bothers you, don't read it.

**AN:** This is Chapter 2, in which we meet the over-aged brat called Edward.

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EPOV

My name is Edward Cullen. Emphasis on the last name, I'm afraid. I was born with all the money my top notch general surgeon dad and a best seller novelist mom had gathered. My life was always pretty darn easy and I always got what I wanted from them.

I use it to this day.

My sister, Alice, she's a bit better. No, actually she's a lot better. She cares, gives back and doesn't take things for granted.

I'm twenty-nine. Just turned. I have year to get my act together, because we have an agreement. They give us time until we are thirty and then they cut us off of our allowance. We're the official trust fund kids.

Or I am. Alice is twenty-six and has had a steady teaching job in a kindergarten for over two years now. She makes the kind of living she wants to make.

I don't do anything I don't want to. Right now I'm trying to figure out how to grow up. How to become the man I know my parents would like me to be.

I party some, I don't do drugs anymore. I drink quite a lot every now and then. I fuck. A lot. That's because of my looks. I can get probably anyone I want, no matter the gender or sexual orientation. Gosh I've turned more straight men than I care to remember... Okay, seventeen.

I do prefer men. I think it's like... I like men better but I sleep with the occasional female for the variety. Ass gets boring after a while if it is all you get. And yes, that is all I get. I'm a top. No room for negotiation there.

Love? What the fuck is that?? The sappy, supposedly romantic thing you see on the movies you have to take some girls to if you want to get laid later when they pine over how the heroine of the movie was so misunderstood by the male and how she hopes all males aren't like that and how she wants the happy ending which she'll get right after you bang her silly and leave before she wakes up? Didn't think so.

I've never been in a real relationship for more than two weeks. I suppose that's sad for you normal people. I just can't be bothered with the same dimwit for much longer than a few days.

People bore me. My parents keep telling me it's because my IQ is higher than high and I've not 'found direction' for my life. Oh and I'm also selfish, take my wealth for granted and I'm 'better to figure out what to do after the allowance stops running, tick tock'.

I suppose they're as tired of me as I am of th...myself.

That's my problem. I don't know why, but I never grew up. Nothing ever happened to me that forced me to grow up because our parents never had time to raise us even to the point where parents usually raise their children. Now Alice, she managed very well on her own. She raised herself. Me...not so much...

I never thought there was anything wrong with how I lived. I mean aren't I just one of the probably millions of trust fund babies around our lovely country? I never thought there was more to life than all the indulgence I could give myself with my parents' money.

Year after year I partied, ate, bought, fucked, drank... Sometimes I did all at once.

It took me years to realise how hollow I felt. Yet I had no tools to work on that. I couldn't figure it out and I sure as hell wasn't one of those people who would find a shrink to complain about their perfect lifestyle and how they didn't feel good enough. Or well enough. How ever you want to put it.

That day..when I was looking a present for Carlisle, my dad, I wanted to change more than I ever had. It started as an ordinary day, I woke up around nine, checked my emails, blocked some people who I never wanted to fuck again. I declined Facebook friend-invitations and drank my espresso.

I looked out over the city skyline from my large livingroom windows and it hit me. In less than a year, this flat was the only thing I would have. This was the only thing I actually owned, that my grandma had left me in her will.

I had no-one. I had nothing. The casual mates I had gathered over the years...they were mostly gone too. Either they used me for my money and connections or they grew tired of the lifestyle and got married and/or moved to the suburbs. I realised I was an old guy to be living like this.

I pushed the thoughts away for now. I had all the rest of my life to think of those things, after all. I managed to shower, grab a bite and drink another espresso before heading to the bookstores again. I needed an early as possible copy of Gray's Anatomy for my dad.

That idea, getting that particular book, would turn out to be the thing that would change me the most. But I was months of knowing that and when I'd finally figure it out, it might be much too late.

I stepped in to the second shop of the day. I had spent a month in this and I was drawing blank already. I hadn't been in this shop though, so there was still hope, maybe.

A pretty young native girl was behind the counter and greeted me in a polite, yet not too cheerful manner. I liked that.

"I'm Leah, how can I help you?" she asked with a small smile.

"I'm looking for a book for my father's birthday. It's an anatomy book..." was all I could say before she held up a finger.

"Stop right there. I need to ask my boss. He knows those things, I honestly don't yet." she grinned and then called out for someone named Jasper.

When he finally descended the stairs from the second floor that was the typical balcony style thing you often saw, I was breathless for a moment.

He was tall, slightly lanky but I could tell by the way he moved that he exercised a lot. He was wearing...oh God how good could someone look in such a simple attire?

Worn denim jacket, white dress shirt underneath and black leather pants with black tennis shoes that looked perfect on him for some reason. Hell, he looked perfect.

His hair was sort of strange dirty blonde with golden strands here and there. His face...I had never seen anyone so beautiful in my life. Trust me, that's a lot.

I swallowed hard and tried to stop staring. That's when he turned his face fully towards me.

I felt like...like the rug had just been pulled from beneath my feet. There was no such thing as perfect, that was what my mother always said.

This man, Jasper... One side of his face was perfect. He was stunning. The other side was different. It was scarred. He had like half of an eyebrow, his eye seemed undamaged, his cheek was scarred as was part of the side of his nose. His lips, his perfect, full lips, were just as perfect on the scarred side, but the scarring went over his jaw and a bit to his neck. I could tell his ear was probably also scarred because his hair was covering it only partially.

I gathered myself and nodded when he asked the right question. I managed to speak to him without staring too much. The scars weren't that deep, but they were clearly from burns. They were old, very old, so they might have been severe when it had happened. I wanted to ask him why he hadn't had anything done to them. Modern plastic surgery could have made him look a lot better.

Then I suddenly mentally kicked myself. How could he look any better than he already did? The man was perfection! Come on now! The scars on the other hand weren't. Somehow the hideous marks on his face just made him more beautiful.

I had a strange feeling that if he hadn't had them, he would be somehow different. My mind kept going all the time I was talking to him, acting normal and even on the street.

And that's when he changed a bit. When he was taken out of the shop, he changed. Suddenly he was a bit edgy. His gaze seemed to dart around a lot, he seemed uncomfortable out here. He did speak to me though and even joked a bit when I asked about the name of his shop which I couldn't figure out. That on itself was strange. It had to be something very simple. I could do anything but simple...

I pushed the button on my keys and Jasper almost jumped at the sound. He was so...intriguing.

We said sort of goodbyes and he began to walk to another direction.

All I could think was that I would see him in a couple of short days again and it felt good. Something felt good?? Hell...

That night, when I went to sleep without having had any sex for the first time in weeks I suppose, I closed my eyes and a set of apple green eyes and perfect lips popped up.

That was the first night I dreamt of Jasper Whitlock.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: The same as usual. Nothing but my own words and imagination belong to me. Everything else belongs to their respective owners.

AN: Hope you like it. Still no lemons though. There will be some later, I promise.

Onwards to Chapter 3. This is where we find out a part of why Jasper is...Jasper. Poor thing. Angst ahead. You've been warned.

----------------------

JPOV

After my lunch I went back to the shop and worked until five thirty like the usual before leaving. I had sent an email to Garrett, a friend of mine who was even more to books than I was. I had known him since a 'crazy random happenstance' like he called it two years ago when we literally bumped in to each other on the street.

He had the same exact book in his hand than I had and we both risked bumping to each other rather than our rare copies of The Merchant of Venice. How two people with the same exact book could bump in to a city as bit as ours beats me. The both of us really, but we instantly connected and he is the first person I've ever met who didn't even blink at my scars.

As soon as I walked out of the shop and locked it behind me at five twenty, my cell vibrated in my pocket and I knew instantly it was Garrett.

"Ready to sell?" I answered the phone.

There was a random babble of Irish cussing before he chuckled.

"Not really. What's he like?" he just asked and I found myself smiling.

"He seems like... I don't know. He was pretty on the outside and he gawked at me a bit. Checked me out until he saw me fully. Didn't get the shop name." I told Garrett who stayed quiet.

"Hmm, wonder if he's stupid or too smart?" he asked and I knew he was referring to the shop name.

"No idea. He's going to be back on Friday. I don't mind looking at him some more but honestly, doesn't matter, does it?"

We kept on going with our strange conversation. We didn't really have to say it all, me and Garrett. We were sometimes too similar, too in tune with each other. It was odd and if he didn't have a strong heterosexual preference and the loveliest wife called Kate, we would totally have hooked up a long time ago. His words, not mine. He was the first person who saw me, the inside me, not the outside me.

I did love Kate too. She was always kind and nice and there was an aura of serenity around her. She was also very pregnant so Garrett told me that made her either peaceful or the devil herself...

"You should, you know. If he sees you eventually. If you find someone pretty, it's something and you know that, Jas." he said in a gentle tone.

"God will forgive me but I, I whip myself with scorn." I told him and he sighed.

"Stop listening to Damien. I know he's awesome but seriously. Try some contemporary rock or turn really emo but the intelligent emo isn't working for you sweetheart." he said and I chuckled a bit.

"Thanks G. I'll keep that in mind. So will you?" I asked and he contemplated for a moment.

"You know the price, what ever you put on top and that's it. It's a birthday present, right? So shouldn't be a bother. General surgeon...hmm...that really is perfect. I hope this Edward is too. And for you. You'd really deserve someone." Garrett said and I sighed. "Okay okay...I'll drop it off on Friday on my way to work." I could hear grin in his tone.

"Bye G. See ya. My love to the devil." I pushed the red button on my phone and kept walking.

I went to pick up some groceries and sat in my apartment, reading some random new book Leah had stuck in my pile today and tried not to think about what Garrett had said.

Didn't work. Usually it did though. I spent less and less time pondering about why I didn't even try anymore. Mostly because I did know the answer to that already.

The answer consisted of four letters, one word. Paul.

Paul was my first lover, my first boyfriend, my first everything. I was twenty, he was twenty-one. We both were out, I knew I was gay and didn't bother to hide and he was bisexual. I never thouht that would be a problem.

For months it wasn't a problem at all . He was gorgeous, witty, slightly butch in what he did and he said he loved me. I never knew how I got him. To be mine, I mean. Maybe he never was. Later on I realised he never loved me or wanted me, I was just a curiosity. Someone he thought interesting, someone who balanced his perfection with my imperfection.

He used me to feel better about himself and then he fell madly in love with a girl called Rachel. Eleven months we were together. We lived together for six months. I was so in love it hurt to be so happy with someone. I never saw it coming. The day when he came home and told me he had met someone else. That he never really wanted me like that, like he wanted _her_. We broke up a few days before Christmas and she was pregnant in mid-January. They got married the next fall and as far as I know have five kids now.

Paul was also one of the things that made Rosalie more protective. She's six years older than I am and she has always looked after me. She felt guilty about the accident and she felt guilty about Paul. She did introduce Paul to me, in the hopes of having found someone who would love me as I was. Payback, she called him playfully. The reward for what she had done.

Then the unnecessary reward backfired and she was even more mother-hen than she had ever been before.

After Paul there was no-one. I never went to clubs, never got in to the whole gay scene. I was stared on the streets enough. I didn't need to be stared in a club full of people. I didn't need to go there to stutter and blush and to hyperventilate when someone touched me in a crowd. No.

The time between the first time I saw Edward and Friday morning either flew by or went slowly. It depended on what I was doing. Rosalie knew something was up but didn't ask. Leah didn't tell her anything, maybe she didn't know what it was she should have told Rosie.

Ten past ten my cell went off and I excused myself from one of our regular clients and leaped the stairs up two at the time. It was Garrett's ringtone.

"Jas, I dropped the book to your place, Sam opened the door for me because it was an emergency. I'm on my way to the hospital, Kate went in to labour as soon as I left the house so she called a cab and I'm..."

"Totally rambling. Grats, G. Call me with news, now drive carefully and get there safe. Kiss her for me. It'll be okay Garrett." I told him and grinned widely before disconnecting the call so he could drive safely.. They had been trying to start a family even before I met Garrett and now they were having that.

"Kate went in to labour." I told over the railing to the girls who both squealed and even my usually ice queen-like sister was all smiles and turned so giddy it wasn't even funny.

I had no time to think about the book being at my place because suddenly the store was packed with people.

When I realised Rosie had gone home at four and Leah was doing the mandatory things before closing time at five, I got a text from Garrett. The baby would be born in the next hour or so. It had been a long day in labour already and Kate was tired. Everything was fine though.

Leah called me to tell me she was leaving and I called back to wish her a good night. I went downstairs after closing my computer upstairs and put my iPod in to the dock. Randomly it started to play one of my favorite songs.

So because the shop was empty already, I began to sing, in Italian because that was half of the language of the song.

_Per scontato non do  
niente di quel che ho  
neanche un minimo brivido, ora no _

I was walking around the shop, organizing the shelves and the next verse, when I got through that, was sung in a different, very nice tone.

I spun around and looked in to the front of the shop where Edward was standing, singing.

_It's the air that I breathe  
It's my fall at your feet  
It is my song  
I sing when you are gone_

I couldn't help but to grin. He knew the lyrics!

_Confesso sei la causa mia primaria  
adesso in me  
di tutto il buono che c'è_

Ahahah lo so  
sei la primavera in anticipo  
Ahahah la prova che dimostra quale effetto hai su di me  
perchè 

I walked to the front as he was humming the next part in English. It was beautiful. It seemed like something someone who looked like him would sing.

_All my hopes and my fears _

_my hopes and fears  
in this moment are clear  
you are the one  
my moon my star my sun _

When I turned the volume down after that he grinned, still humming the next verse.

"I don't know Italian, but I can tell you were pronouncing it really well." he said and I think half of my face blushed. The other side was slightly pink all the time because of the scars.

"I know some, I'm good at imitating the words even though I really don't know the language well." I shrugged

Suddenly I gasped. "The book!" I said.

"Well that's what I came here for. Did your friend agree to sell it?" he asked with a smirk. Gorgeous smirk.

"Y-yeah, I m-mean, he is willing to s-sell it but it's not h-here..." and there I went again. "His w-wife went in to labour and.." I closed my eyes and took a deep breath to calm myself.

Edward waited patiently of which I was grateful. While my eyes were closed and my heartbeat slowed down a bit I realised he hadn't given me that look at all. He wasn't looking at the scar, he was looking at me.

"Kate went to labour so they're in the hospital. He was coming to drop the book off when he got the call so he took it to my flat instead because that was on the way to the hospital." I told Edward in my usual, more collected tone.

"Oh..." he said and frowned a bit.

"I'm closing soon so you c-could come and see it at m-my place." and again, as soon as I was thinking about letting someone in to my personal space I was stuttering.

"Sure, if that's not too much?" he asked and I could tell his mind was working on the dates, he knew we were closed for the weekend so it would be Monday he could see the book if not today and he needed it next week.

"N-no, not at all." I breathed again. "Sorry...it's...my nerves. I'm a bit of a freak if you haven't n-noticed yet." I chuckled a bit.

"No, I really hadn't noticed that." he said and smiled a bit, quite genuinely.

I had no comment on that. He went to look at other books and I used the last ten minutes or so setting the shop up for Monday.

He wandered around the shop until I flicked the light switch and I heard him chuckle.

"Lights out? I got totally lost, you have a great variety in books here. Amazing really." I heard him say when he walked to the front.

"Thanks. It is quite good even if I say so myself." I smiled and opened the door for him just to lock it behind us.

Suddenly he stopped and began to laugh heartily. I looked at him with my one full eyebrow up and he pointed at the sign hanging over the door.

"I got it! Bloody hell that's marvellous! Too simple really..." he managed between laughter and this time I didn't jump at his car making that sound.

"I wish it was my invention but it's not. I rarely watch tv but it was mentioned in one of my favorite shows." I smiled a bit as I walked to his Volvo.

I sat in and gave him directions, it wasn't far where I lived.

"They planned on having their own pub with that name. That's why I took it." I grinned a bit.

I liked how he wasn't phased by sitting on my left side in the car. He could only see my damaged side now but he still glanced at me while he spoke.

"Well it is genious. I think way too easy for me though. I can't figure simple things. My dad says it's because of being too smart for my own good." he said and then blushed. I definitely hadn't seen him as a blushing type.

"Yeah, either people are too stupid or too smart to figure it out. Besides it isn't even that good of a joke but I still like it." I said as he was parking the car next to my building.

We got out and he beeped the car locked and I showed him to the lobby where Sam was sitting behind his desk.

"Any news yet?" he asked as soon as he saw me and it took me a heartbeat to get what he was asking.

"Nope, not yet. Any minute now I suppose. I'll call you when I get any news. Thanks for letting him drop the book." I smiled and Sam just nodded.

He knew Garrett through me and we had even gone to the corner pub together a few times. That was as social as I got. There nobody stared because they knew me. Or they knew Sam and knew that anyone Sam was with was cool and not to be messed with.

Sam owned the building and worked was his own doorman. The building was old but he kept it in shape. All the tenants love Sam and his wife, Emily.

"Okay, have a nice night Jasper." he told me and I waved my hand.

Sam was more sceptical about people than he let anyone know. That's why he didn't even make eye contact with Edward. He didn't trust that Edward was good to me. He doesn't really trust anyone. I knew he worried too, being one of my closest friends among Garrett, but he doesn't butt in to my business like Garrett does which I appreciate. I already have Garrett and Rosie doing that.

In the elevator I could sort of feel Edward's eyes on me. Everywhere. It was strange. I didn't get those looks and at the same time it made me slightly uncomfortable it was...nice? Great. The last thing I need to mess with my head is someone looking at me like that.

We didn't speak in the elevator. When we got to the correct floor and I took him to my door he stopped for a while as I unlocked it and I felt him stand quite close to me. I could feel the heat of him behind me.

It was almost too much.

I didn't fumble with the keys though, luckily. I didn't want to let him know how he affected the sad old freak-boy.

Inside the apartment I immediately saw the package on the end table near the door.

Edward walked in and closed the door behind him, following my lead in removing his shoes and jacket and hanging his up the coat rack whereas I placed mine on the hook I had near the door.

I picked up the package and walked to my kitchen, running my free hand through my annoying slightly curly hair.

"Want coffee or anything?" I asked Edward over my shoulder and caught him checking out my ass. Lovely. Again.

"Erm...hmm...yeah, sure." he said and blushed, again.

"Okay, I'll open the package for you after I put the coffeemaker on. Garrett would like me to open it I'm sure. He is a bit...particular." I smiled and went to make the coffee around the island in the middle of my kitchen.

"This is a nice place. Homey. I like these old buildings somehow." Edward was looking around the livingroom and the kitchen that were practically just one big area.

"Yeah, I like this too. I've lived here for years now. I rented it with my..." I swallowed a bit, "ex." I said and I must have flinched. Four letter word, starts with P, ends with L.

He was looking at the art on my livingroom walls. If anything else hadn't cued him about my sexuality, those paintings would. They were mostly male nudes, very sophisticated but still nudes. Some people didn't really see them like that though, they weren't that obvious.

"Nice paintings." he grinned a bit and I could tell he had noticed the meaning too.

"Thanks, my friend paints them." I told him and then added, I don't know why. "That one is me." I pointed at the piece near one window.

He walked closer to the painting and examined it closely.

"So you have scars on your chest too?" he asked and looked at me.

I know I froze. The word alone made me freeze. Every time I heard it.

"Jasper, I'm sorry...didn't mean to... I mean..." he corrected himself, fumbling over the words and really panicking now.

I waved my hand as soon as it worked again.

"No no...it's okay. Or...well...not okay but I understand why you'd say that." I tried to explain and he walked closer.

"Jasper...please understand me. I don't...see that anymore. I don't see the scars. I see all of you and you are gorgeous. You should know that." his tone was pleading, almost forcing me to understand in a way.

Edward seemed to be someone who was used to getting his way. He wouldn't, not with me.

"I've been told that before. I'm sorry, it makes no difference to me." I said, coldly. I felt dead inside again.

"_But I don't see the scars. I love you, Jazz. I love you. Isn't that enough?"_

Four letters, starts with P, ends in L.

"Sorry. Let's take a look at the book, shall we?" I asked, barely looking at Edward.

I went to other side of the island and unwrapped the book. It was perfect, really. Probably the best copy I had seen in years. Better than most of the later editions I had seen.

"Oh wow..." Edward said and instinctively wiped his hands to his jeans before touching the book as I turned it towards him.

One point to the man with the bronze hair.

"It is the best preserved copy I have seen." I told him and he nodded, very carefully leafing through the book.

"This is just...amazing. I know my dad will love it. I don't care what it costs. I'll get it to him anyway." he said and his eyes sparkled as he looked at me.

"He must be a remarkable man. It is an expensive gift." I said because it was the first thought in my mind.

"He is...but...it's more than that for me. It's sort of...I don't know. Maybe I am reaching out to him. We've had a lot of differences in the past." he mumbled and looked at the book again.

I got up to get the coffee.

"What do you take in yours?" I asked him and we both took ours black. That was nice.

I carried the mugs in to the island and sat down on a barstool I had next to it. I didn't really care for eating breakfast alone in the dining area.

Edward moved the book back in to the box after wrapping it to the fabric it had been wrapped in. He placed it to the side of the island so he wouldn't accidentally get coffee on it before he took his mug and tasted it.

"Have you always known you...you know..." he nodded towards the closest painting.

"That I'm gay? Yeah, I suppose so. I mean...I don't really have that much experience but I never felt drawn to girls. So it's pretty obvious to me." I shrugged and asked "What about you?" because he started it.

"I suppose I'm bisexual. Never really went through the who I like or fancy-thing. Never needed to." he said and my stomach was suddenly filled with ice even though I was drinking hot coffee.

That was the last nail to Edwards coffin. I couldn't..I _wouldn't, _put myself out there for anyone who could just change their mind and turn in to a family man all of a sudden.

"Oh..." was all I could say.

Then I realised I hadn't stuttered since we got here. I wasn't panicking because he was in my personal space. I wasn't uncomfortable around him. That was really a _lot_ for me. Trust me.

But it wasn't enough. I couldn't trust people. Not again. Not someone like him.

We chatted a bit, agreed on a price for the book and how he'd pay and that he'd come get it from the shop on Monday. We drank the coffee and it was pleasant enough. But I just couldn't.

"Jasper..." he began after a moment of silence. I knew what he was going to ask but I couldn't get the words out to stop him from asking. "Would you...go to a dinner with me?" he looked shy suddenly.

"I...I don't go out. I don't like...people staring..." I muttered, looking down in to my mug between my hands.

"How about take-away or if I cooked for you here or at my place?" he was really trying, wasn't he?

"Edward...I...I can't. I've been...it's not you...it's me." I frowned and I knew that looked hideous because of the scars but I didn't care.

"So someone wasn't worth it at some point and you're taking it out on me?" he asked quietly.

There was an underlying aggression in his tone. I knew that all too well. Four letters...

"Edward...I'm sorry. I think you're g-gorgeous but I j-just can't... I'm barely t-together and if s-something g-goes w-wrong again..." I was stuttering like the crazy person I was.

He got up from his seat.

"It's okay. I get it." he said and I could hear from his tone he really didn't get it at all.

Edward walked to the door and pulled his shoes on. There was something cold in his eyes and his whole being when he pulled his jacked on too.

"I'll come get the book at some point on Monday. It was nice of you to show it to me on your personal time." he said and then he was gone before I had time to say or do anything.

If I didn't care, if I didn't want him or to see where it would go, if I was as damaged and scared as I thought I was, would I really want to scream and cry and call him back?

"_You know you put me on a pedestal. You thought I was perfect. No wonder I couldn't really love you or meet your expectations. I know it now, that I have met Rachel. I know what real love really feels like. I never really wanted you. You filled a void in me for a moment until someone better came along. I can't lie to you, Jasper. I just can't. Not anymore. Even if I didn't know it was a lie what I was feeling towards you at the time it doesn't make it any less of a lie. I'm sorry." _

I hated myself. I hated him. Four letter word...starts with P, ends with L.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer:** Still own nothing but my own words.

**AN:** Before one of you purists complains, my Garrett has always been more of a combo of the real Twi-Garrett and the members of the Irish Coven in BD. So don't worry, I don't have things mixed accidentally, I'm doing it on purpose.

And here I give you Chapter 4 where we find out more about Edward's changing nature and hear if the baby was a girl or a boy.

*-*-*-*-*-*

EPOV

The hours and minutes and seconds before it was time to go to the bookstore on Friday went on so slowly even my thoughts were pacing in my head. They were consisted of the same thing.

Why?

Why now?

Why Jasper?

Why in the name of anything that's holy would I even fall for someone like this??

Because I realised I had never felt like this about anyone else. I had talked to the guy for ten minutes and everything in me wanted to be with him. Not just physically wanting him, but my brain was suddenly filled with images of him. Things I wanted to know about him. Things I wanted to tell him about myself, to be chastised by him or to be accepted no matter I had done, because a part of me was certain Jasper was that guy, the one who would understand me.

Where it all came from, I have no clue. But I hadn't been this sure about anything in my life.

It. Made. No. Sense.

After years and years of not feeling a thing it was refreshing to be so drawn to something or someone. Real, genuine emotions. They were a rarity for me.

So come Friday, I was there as I had been told to. I was anxious as hell. I couldn't help it.

But I'd get to see Jasper again.

I stepped in to the shop and saw it empty. There was Jasper's iPod on the counter and he was singing in Italian. I grinned, I knew this song. So I sang the parts in English.

I wanted to be in the situation where the last bit in English would be true.

_All my hopes and my fears _

_my hopes and fears  
in this moment are clear  
you are the one  
my moon my star my sun _

I wanted it so badly.

But all I could do was not to make him panic. I had seen how nervous he got the day before. He was like a wild animal. I would have to find patience.

I complemented him about what proved to be mostly imitation of the way Laura Pausini was pronunciating it, but it still sounded good. His voice had been nice too.

Then he told me the book was at his place and my heart pounded in my chest all of a sudden. I would get to see his place?? I would...oh my God...

I went to the back of the shop to spend the last minutes before he would close the shop and to calm myself down a bit.

When we stepped out of the shop my eyes caught the sign of the shop. Puzzle...eh? Well it was one.. And then it hit me. Exactly! What the hell?? I was pretty intelligent and it took me this long to get it.

It did amuse Jasper though, of which I was happy.

I felt somehow silly around him. I was constantly checking him out, I was trying to impress him while being totally nonchalant about it. I even blushed. I was so in love for the first time. I felt like a teenager.

It did bother me how the doorman seemed to know Jasper so well. Knew about the friend and the baby on the way too. Well, not really that, what bothered me about him was that he didn't acknowledge me being there at all. No eye contact. Rude. Though I had a feeling it was...protectiveness? Strange.

Had it been any other guy in that elevator with me... I would have been all over him as soon as the doors closed behind us. Now all I could do was to stand in this small space with him. It was killing me. I know he could tell at least a part of it and I wondered how he felt about it.

I couldn't contain myself when I waited for him to open his door. I stood too close to him, breathing in his scent and feeling the heat from his body. I had never known it was possible to feel like this.

At that moment I knew it. What ever he wanted I would give it to him.

Inside his flat we got out of our shoes and jackets and he asked me if I wanted coffee. And caught me staring at his ass. Oh shit. I blushed. Great.

While he made the coffee and explained about opening the package his friend had dropped the book off in, I looked at the art he had on his walls.

Yeah, Jasper liked guys. The art was amazing. Almost vague until you looked closer and began to find shapes and the bigger picture was always a nude male. They were gorgeous paintings.

When I complemented them, he told me his friend had painted them. And that one of them was him. I immediately went to the right one and looked at it carefully. I could tell it was him. It was different. There was more detail in it, it was less vague but still in one looking you couldn't have told it was a male nude. I loved these paintings.

And then I said it.

I fucking hated myself when I saw how he froze. He became a statue.

I rambled, I rambled so much and he insisted it was okay, and that it really wasn't but...

Oh how I wanted to hurt myself for hurting him like that.

He tried to brush it off but I knew it bothered him. How stupid could I be? I even told him I didn't see him like that, I saw through the scars and he should understand that but... I knew I had blown it now.

He moved the topic to the book and showed it to me. I was truly in awe, truly amazed.

But I wasn't really surprised. Jasper seemed like someone very serious about his business and if he hadn't been sure this was the perfect thing, he wouldn't have suggested it.

I was suddenly sure that my dad would love it. Maybe it would be something he would understand as me thinking about someone else than myself for once? Some sign of growing up even a little.

What really showed I was growing up was how I spoke of Carlisle to Jasper. I would have never admitted to such things before. Somehow I knew Jasper wouldn't judge me.

When he got us the coffees I put the book securely away so it would be safe enough. I wasn't clumsy but I didn't want that sort of accident to happen.

Then I asked what I thought I knew. If he was gay, that was what I was really asking and he confirmed it. He even told me he didn't have much experience. That was interesting but I suppose if he had had the scars for a long time that might limit...things.

When he asked about me, I told me I was bisexual. That was as close of a label I had gotten. Something in Jasper changed at that moment.

"Oh..." was all he said and I knew it was another minus in his books.

I didn't know why, but being bi was something he couldn't accept. I hoped it wasn't the usual prejudiced reason. The 'I don't want to be dumped over a chick'-thing.

I had to ask him out. Before I could overthink it and ruin this all. Before I could mess up even worse than I already had.

My heart was pounding in my chest again. I was so scared, so hopeful, so terrified...

I could immediately tell the answer I'd get from the way he was looking in to his mug and hands and not me while he explained the situation. It did make sense, but somehow I was angry all of a sudden. How could the rest of the world do that to him? Someone so beautiful couldn't go out without being stared at??

How the conversation progressed from that point... I knew I was going to lose it soon. Both lose it as in lose any chance I had with him and in the way that I wanted to kill whom ever it was who had hurt him like this. His ex.

Jasper had started to stutter again. Badly. He was uncomfortable and nervous and anxious. I wanted to cry, to hold him and tell him I'd never hurt him like other people had done before. I wanted him to know I would never cross him or betray him and I wanted him to know I saw him. Not his scars.

Instead I got up from the chair.

"It's okay. I get it." I said, my tone was strained. It came out all wrong but I couldn't really help it.

Then I told him I'd be back on Monday and that it was nice that he had shown me his apartment and done this all for me.

Then I almost bolted out of the door because all the emotions were running over me. It felt like being hit by a car. I had no emotions a few days ago. Now I couldn't escape them in any way.

So I did what I do best. It was Friday after all.

I called one of my remaining party-friends and went in to a gay club with him. I found a decent tall blonde guy to take home and I fucked him against the wall between the big windows of my livingroom.

I wanted him to be Jasper. But I'd never have Jasper.

I didn't care if the guy got off or not and after I came I told him to get cleaned up, dressed and out of my flat. He looked hurt but I didn't give a fuck.

After he had done as I said I went to my bed and crawled under the covers. I had never felt so lonely in my life.

Saturday went by nursing a slight hangover and watching TV. I was trying not to think about..him.

Sunday...on Sunday I called Alice to ask her if she wanted to pitch in on the book and she agreed to pay half of it as she didn't have any better ideas and mine rocked. She'd pay me back when I was in need of money, she said. One of those safe-loans of hers I appreciated. It was her way of keeping some cash aside for me if I ever needed it. Sounds strange but she knows I wouldn't take money from her. Alice was making sure she could sneak some to me when I needed it. The day would come when I would need it and we both knew it.

I went to the gym in my building and worked out until I was exhausted. After that I went back upstairs to my flat and tried to watch a movie. I tried to read a book...I tried everything but to think about Jasper.

It didn't work.

I could tell why I was so attracted to him if I took this all apart piece by piece.

He was gorgeous on the outside. The scars he had added to his beauty. He would have been too pretty without them and maybe even boring. With them he was perfect, his eyes were so bright when he smiled and the dimple popped up or rather down. I didn't think it looked bad when he grinned. He had such an expressive mouth and his eyes were so bright and you could read them so easily... Jasper was perfect.

The inside? I knew he was passionate. Someone had been mean to him in some way that had taken away his trust in people. Someone had used him somehow and I hated that person with all I got.

He was a good and loving friend. A fair boss. Someone who liked to have a little fun by singing a song while being in his shop. Someone who liked to cook, I had seen the signs in his kitchen.

Jasper was caring and loving and broken.

I wanted to fix him. I hoped I'd get the chance to do that somehow. I wanted to be there for him and maybe he would be there for me too?

For me it was all simple. He was my missing piece. But someone had broken him and the world had made him a sceptic and a loner.

Meeting him was probably the best thing that had ever happened to me. It had made me think about myself. I didn't need to watch Dr. Phil or go see a real shrink (hey, no-one with that demeanor and those tricks can't be real, degree or not...) that my lifestyle was something I did out of boredom.

Boredom and fear of rejection. It was easy to be popular in the world I had lived in ever since I turned 21. At first it had been drugs. I always knew where to get them. I always knew. Because I used, a lot. What ever I could get my hands on. It wasn't until my friend Mike died, and no it wasn't an overdose, that I realised I could be next. Mike was high on something when he drove off a bridge and drowned.

I stopped doing drugs, gradually. By the time I was twenty-three I was clean. I rarely got pissed either, I just drank a bit, more socially, and when someone asked me who could deal them some coke, I didn't know. That day I knew I would be okay in that department.

Now this all...the rest of it... This I couldn't control.

I wanted to be different now. I had begun to think about that even before I met Jasper but especially now. I needed to prove him I could the man for him.

With that thought I fell asleep and woke up when my internal clock told me it was time to get up and go to Puzzle. It was midday, I think I was awake around four in the morning or that was the last time I looked at the time at least. So I had gotten some sleep, after all.

I got up, showered, inhaled my espresso and spent an unusually long while in front of the mirror, trying to figure out what I'd wear. I was becoming a girl.

When I finally got out of the door it was well past two pm. I was wearing dark grey jeans and a petrol blue dress shirt under my leather jacket. It wasn't a biker-style jacket, more of the designer-kind of a thing instead, which made me look good without losing the hint of the bad boy image I couldn't quite shake.

I drove to the shop and parked in front of it. My heart was pounding in my chest. It was nuts, really. I had never been so nervous in my life. I wanted to see him. I wanted to... I wanted so many things and in the center of them all was Jasper.

I ran my fingers through my hair and sighed before walking in. I saw the girl, Leah, in the back room and there was a gorgeous leggy blonde, maybe a few years older than me, on the other side of the counter.

"Hello, I'm Rosalie, how can I help you?" she asked me, checking me out quite obviously. I was used to that. For a second I acted like I always did when someone was checking me out. I looked nonchalant but turned myself so that she could admire me properly.

"I'm Edward Cullen. I came to pick up a book. Is Jasper around?" I asked her and her eyes narrowed.

"Oh, you're Edward. Hmm. Well, the book is here," she said, turning around and picking up the book from the shelf behind her, "and as what comes to Jasper, I'm not sure if he is around or not." she said, raising her voice enough that it would carry upstairs.

Fuck.

She was giving Jasper the option to come meet me if he wanted to, but she was making sure I wouldn't be able to meet Jasper against his will. Just...peachy.

"Okay..." I said, my tone was resigned and I knew it.

I paid for the book, waiting for Jasper to show up but he never did. I could hear him moving upstairs. I wanted so badly to go there, to speak to him. To assure him it made no difference that I was bisexual, that I would be who ever he needed me to be if he'd just give me the chance.

Maybe I was growing up. I didn't force myself on to him. Instead I bid Rosalie and Leah good day and walked out of the shop, choking on my tears that appeared as soon as I turned my head so that the women couldn't see them.

----------------

My father's birthday came and went. He loved the book and we really did make progress in our relationship. I even told him I was finally trying to grow up for real. It pleased him, when I hugged him before I left, he told me that the book wasn't the best present I had given him for his birthday. I knew what he meant.

They were difficult, the days pJ, post-Jasper. They were...lonely. Heartbroken. Cold and empty. The emotions I had in me weren't going away this time, no matter how much I willed them to.

When a friend of mine from high school, Emmett, asked me to join him to some local pub for a few on the next Wednesday, over a week I had last seen Jasper, I agreed. Emmett was one of my oldest friends, now a family man with two lovely kids with an ex-wife called Bella. They were civil, friends because of the kids. Emmett, despite only having the girls every other week, was the best father in the world.

He also worked a lot, so when he asked me out I always went. He had very little free time between working and with the kids so even with my current mood I went with him.

When my cab left me to the front of a pub Emmett had named, I realised it wasn't too far from where Jasper lived. Not that he'd be there, I knew that much because he didn't do these things, but it still made my heart flutter in my chest before I brushed it off and went to meet Emmett inside.

We sat, chatted casually and downed a few beers. He knew something was up but he wouldn't ask until I was ready to speak. What I loved about Emmett was that he was the best friend anyone could have. He was the one who still would bail you out of jail even though he wasn't the one sitting next to you there anymore.

This time he was waiting, patiently. "I know you worry. Hell...this time I worry about myself too." I smiled a bit, not quite looking at him. "I'll tell you when I'm ready. Not quite there yet. All I'm saying is that I really blew my chances with the only guy that I've ever truly fallen for. And it took me ten minutes to fall for him." I mumbled and I could hear him whistle quietly. Yeah, it was that rare for me to feel anything at all and he knew it.

"Okay man." he smiled, reaching to pat my hand with his massive one. Emmett is built like the construction worker he used to be before starting his own company.

Suddenly there was a "drinks for everyone!" cheer in a funny accent from the front. A man with a messy sand with a hint of red-colored ponytail hollered. Irish, maybe? Someone was in a good mood.

When I took a closer look, I saw that he was accompanied with a native guy. Big muscular fellow with the air of 'just mess with me and you'll see...' about him. When he turned around, I realised he was the doorman of Jasper's building, Sam. My heart leaped again and I could tell Emmett noticed me go pale.

"That him?" he asked and I shook my head.

"Friend of his." I managed to say.

I excused myself to the mensroom while Emmett went to get our next pints since they were offered so generously.

I tried to breathe. I tried to not think that he might come here tonight. I tried to not think he might not come here. I was feeling light headed. Then I realised I was being stupid. No way in hell would Jasper come over to a pub, no matter it was a quiet weekday and his friend was here.

I ran my fingers through my hair, no surprise there, and walked back to our table. I didn't look where Sam and his friend had gone to sit, just walked straight back to the booth Emmett was occupying and downed my scotch with one gulp.

"That bad?" he just asked and waved for the waitress who was distributing the free drinks around to get me more. Then he pushed the one he had in front of him towards me also.

"Thanks. I think I do need to get drunk." I smiled a bit weakly.

I did slow down though. I was sipping my beer maybe two hours later, having listened to Emmett tell me about his kids and having promised to go meet them next week, I realised something. There was a laughter that kept ringing in the back of my mind. Sort of like...a buzz of a fly that annoys you when you can't quite place where the damned thing is.

I had to go relieve myself, so I excused myself from the table and walked, almost without any wobble, to the mensroom. I was washing my hands when someone sneaked in to the little tile-walled room. I raised my eyes to the mirrors and gasped.

Jasper!

He could hear the gasp but I saw that he hadn't looked at me. I saw his expression though, he was ready to bolt back through the door.

Even in my alcohol infused mind I could tell it was because of my gasp. He thought some stranger had seen his scars and freaked out.

Before he could bolt I moved to him, grabbing his wrist.

"Jasper, it's me! I was just surprised to see you here. It has nothing to do about your scars." I told him quickly and I saw his eyes close for a moment before he opened them to look at me.

I could tell he was drunk. So he had come in at some point and I hadn't seen him. He was standing there, leaning on the wall lightly, keeping his eyes on mine. I didn't let go of his wrist, I couldn't let go of it because it was the first real contact I had had with him and he wasn't trying to get away from the touch.

"You're here with Sam and the other guy?" I asked and he nodded.

"Sam and Garrett. He's my friend, the one who sold you the book." he said quietly.

"Ooh, now I get it. You're wetting the baby's head?" I grinned and I saw his eyes sparkle a bit at that.

"Yes, they had a boy about fifteen minutes after..." he said and looked down.

After I bolted out his flat like I was on fire. I knew that was what he was thinking.

"Jasper..." I said, quietly, waiting for him to look at me. "I'm sorry. For what ever I've done, what ever you think I am or can't be. I can't... No, I _won't_ let you go this easily. I feel...something I have never felt before." I spoke with conviction, hastily so that he didn't have time to react in any way before I got it all out.

He opened his mouth to answer me and then the door of the mensroom slammed open, Jasper jerked his hand from mine and ducked in to the nearest stall before I could react.

Fucking hell!! I nearly growled at the guy who had barged in. I knew by now Jasper was taking his time. He wouldn't come out before I left and that stranger left.

Once again I felt like my heart was being shred in to pieces and I left the mensroom to go sit in the booth where Emmett still was. He had been drinking only beer. When he saw my expression he waved at the waitress and pointed at my empty glass.

I had time to down two more scotches before Jasper walked by the table. I didn't try to stop him, but my shoulders hunched.

"Now _that_ was him." Emmett said matter of factly, knowing the answer already.

I sighed, leaning my head in to my hands, my elbows on the table.

"You are a right mess, aren't you?" Emmett asked and I nodded a bit.

"Well then you should know he is about to leave. Are you going to let him go like that?" Emmett sat facing the door. "Edward, you have one chance on these things. You know how rare it is, especially for you to just _feel something_. Don't let him go like that." he said, reaching his hand and brushing his fingers through my hair affectionately.

It was a new gesture, but he knew I needed it to be brave. To know that he was still there no matter happened to me with Jasper. Emmett would be the best friend I ever had and he'd pick up the pieces. For the first time it would be him doing that, God knows I had been there for him and his break ups first with girls, later with women. I had nursed him back to health and sanity after his divorce with Bella. I had told him the things he needed to hear. See, I wasn't an idiot, I could give my advice to others. I was just bloody lousy in living how I preached...

I got up, my eyes darting to the empty glasses in front of where I had been sitting. The tab was probably quite hefty by now.

"Don't worry, I'll get it. And he left two minutes ago. Walking." Emmett grinned and I was already running towards the door with my jacket in my hand.

I wouldn't let Jasper go. I _couldn't_ let Jasper go.


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer:** Still not mine. Still just my puppets. Name-dropping doesn't mean I own anything either. Oh and yes, that's pretty much my emo-playlist Jasper is listening to. ;)

**AN: **Wait, what? Is that the sound of citrus I hear?

If you want to find out where the name of this fic comes from, check out my profile. There's an explanation in the bottom of it.

Chapter 5, where we find out the baby's name, where Garrett and Sam get Jasper drunk and then...the long-awaited lemons happen.

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JPOV

I was numb, most of the time. His words, all of them, were a throbbing pain in the back of my whole self when I wasn't keeping an eye on pushing them aside. When I did, the numbness returned. It helped me to function over the weekend and in to the dreaded Monday when I would have to meet the man who made my whole world turn upside down in a few moments.

I wanted to believe him. I wanted to try if he was serious. I wanted to get to know him, to know if what he said would be true. But I couldn't.

Luckily maybe fifteen minutes in to my most pathetic Friday night in a long time my phone went off and I was glad to hear Garrett's ringtone (a silly Irish jig) because the news would definitely get my mind off Edward.

"Congratulations, you're now the uncle and hopefully the godfather of a baby boy." Those were his first words and I realised I was crying and then I heard he was too. We sobbed on the phone for a moment.

"Oh Garrett, I'm so happy for you all." I managed after a while and he chuckled in a bit of a throaty way before clearing his voice and telling me to 'get my arse' over to the hospital the next day.

I got to know the name of the baby the next day. Kate was glowing, she told me she was sore and tired but that Garrett had been a doll, her perfect man. I knew sadness flashed in my eyes at the words and she caught them, raising a brow at me.

"Kate, enjoy your son. My worries can wait." I kissed her cheek and then Garrett came in to the room and handed me my godson.

"Uncle Jasper, please meet C.J." Kate smiled at me and I fell in love with the small human in my arms immediately.

"C.J.?" I asked and Garrett actually blushed a bit.

"Charles Jasper." he said and I must have looked like a proper idiot, standing there with my mouth hanging open.

Charles was, funnily enough, both of their fathers' name. But to include me... I felt tears rolling down my face.

"You don't have to say anything. Just tell us you'll be his godfather and we're happy." Kate smiled and I walked to give her son to her and then kissed her on the lips firmly before turning to hug her husband tightly.

"You have no idea what this means to me." I said and wiped my tears to my sleeve.

"It wasn't like we had to think about any of that." Garrett grinned and patted my back in a very manly way which made me smile.

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Come Monday things were different again. My playlist was different too. I know Garrett would have laughed his ass off at me going emo. Within Temptation, Apocalyptica, HIM, Three Days Grace, Evanescence, hell I even had 30 Seconds To Mars in there.

I knew I could never again listen to Laura Pausini and James Blunt would be difficult too. My Funny Valentine was no longer my favorite piece of jazz music. I was hoping Damien would stick though, life without Damien would be difficult enough as it was.

Rose could tell something was terribly wrong but this time she didn't try to pry the words out, just waited until a suitable moment and I told her that a guy called Edward would come pick up a certain anatomy book and that I wouldn't be upstairs even if I was there.

She wanted to ask me, but she knew I had never gotten over P...the bastard. So she didn't push the issue.

I heard his tone, I didn't have any music on at that moment because I had answered my cell earlier. I could hear Rosalie too, pretty much telling me to get my ass downstairs now, but letting me decide. Edward didn't push it either. I was glad.

When he left, I was sure he lingered in the hopes of me giving in and going downstairs, I put the headphones on and listened to some more of my emo-crap. I felt like crying, but I had decided a long time ago I would never cry over someone again. I went back to checking the latest lists of new books that had arrived and blocked everything else from my mind.

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The days after Edward went by smoothly. I went to see my godson when he and Kate got home and took them a gift from me, the paperwork of a bank account I had opened in C.J.'s name. I told them I'd be making deposits every birthday and Christmas and what ever other occasions there would be and that they had no say in it. I would, because I was the godfather, after all.

On weekdays I worked, drowned myself in to work and research for the Shakespeare-exhibition we were going to have in the shop and tried my best to get Edward out of my head. The nights were the hardest. His words kept playing in my head. Every single one of them.

"_No, I really hadn't noticed that." _When I called myself a freak.

"_So you have scars on your chest too?"_

"_Jasper...please understand me. I don't...see that anymore. I don't see the scars. I see all of you and you are gorgeous. You should know that."_

"_I suppose I'm bisexual..."_

"_I never really wanted you. You filled a void in me for a moment until someone better came along."_

"_But I don't see the scars. I love you, Jazz. I love you. Isn't that enough?"_

At some point things Edward had said got mixed with what Paul had said. It made no difference. Edward would have just turned in to a cheating, lying bastard like Paul. Better to avoid the chance of getting hurt in the first place. Better to be alone like I had thus far after Paul. I was doing just fine on my own. That was what I kept telling myself anyway.

Because Garrett wanted Kate and the baby to settle in before the mandatory wetting the baby's head-night, we didn't get to that until the next Wednesday. It was a weeknight, partly because Garrett wanted me to be there and even our regular pub was a place where people gathered a lot in the weekends.

The guys were already there when I got in, having showered and changed clothing and eaten a bit (knowing Garrett would try to get me drunk because I was the godfather, after all) and was there late. I saw relief on both of their faces when I walked in and dropped my jacket next to my seat in the booth. I was nervous, but the glass of white wine on the table I downed as soon as I could after greeting the guys helped a bit.

The glass of wine was followed with another one, a few random drinks they kept ordering me to get me drunk to boot and in to talking. They were using this to get information out of me. Sam knew it had something to do with "the book guy" and Garrett knew I was troubled. Even though I had told him the basics, the _very_ basics, he wanted to know more and so did Sam.

I couldn't though. At some point I couldn't not listen to my bladder anymore so I risked getting up from the shadow of my booth to show my face in the pub. There were new people around, even though it wasn't much more than a corner pub with mostly regular clientele.

I got to the mensroom and instantly there was a gasp of shock. I panicked, I was ready to run back to the booth to grab my jacket and run home for the couple of blocks there was between this building and mine. But then there were words, long fingers around my wrist. Edward??

He sort of calmed me down with his words. That surprised me. I was anxious still but my heartbeat was calming down and the panic I had been feeling momentarily was fading. He spoke to me, telling me he had seen Sam and Garrett and I told him, in a somewhat neutral tone, that Garrett was the one who had sold him the book through me.

Edward realised why we were here. It probably made more sense to him now, that I was here in the first place. This night, I wouldn't have missed for the world.

I was suddenly very conscious of his fingers around my wrist. It was restraining but not scary. The words though...

"_I'm sorry. For what ever I've done, what ever you think I am or can't be. I can't... No, I _won't_ let you go this easily. I feel...something I have never felt before." _I could tell from his voice he was serious. Maybe that was what freaked me out the most.

I had already been over him...kind of...sort of...almost...not at all...

I was collecting my mind to answer something when someone barged in to the mensroom and I jerked my wrist from his grasp and hid in one of the stalls. I could hear him huff and leave and after the other guy did and I had finally relieved myself I washed my hands, stared at the mirror and thought that no matter how much fun it had been with my friends, I didn't want bad memories.

I walked back to the booth and told them briefly that I had bumped in to Edward and that I wanted to keep the memories like they were. We had chatted, had fun, drank a lot... Boys' night out. I told Garrett I would see him on the weekend when I was going to meet C.J. again and I told Sam I'd see him the next say when he would be back behind his desk. They both understood me well enough to let me go.

I was a bit drunk still. So I went outside and began to walk home slowly. I got a block and a half before I heard my name being called behind me.

I resisted the urge to run. Instead I stopped and turned around. Edward.

He ran to me, coming to a slightly unsteady halt in front of me.

"I couldn't let you go..." he said, looking at me with such fierceness, suddenly something in me cracked.

I looked at him and as soon as my gaze flickered to his lips I knew I had lost my inner battle for the moment. He stayed in the spot, standing there and when his eyes met mine again they were...different. Darker.

He leaned in, ever so carefully like I was something very delicate. He didn't want to scare me away. I took the final step and leaned towards him, to meet him in the middle ground. Our lips met and I gasped a bit. I acted like a girl but so did he. We opened our eyes after one little chaste kiss and looked baffled.

Without any words I decided to put this in to the drunk-Jasper-does-things-he-shouldn't-file. I grasped his hand and tugged him the rest of the way to my building. It all circled my mind. What he had said. That he had kissed me, he couldn't be repulsed by my scars if he was kissing me, right? I led him in to the building and then in to the elevator, dropping his hand while I pushed the button.

When I turned around I knew he could see the challenge in my eyes. _Prove it._

Before I could do anything at all, I was pinned against the mirrors in the little elevator and he was kissing me. I was surprised, part of me had been convinced he wouldn't go through with this. I kissed him back after the initial shock. I moaned in to the kiss, I hadn't kissed anyone in a long time. I could feel him smile against my lips and then his were suddenly on my neck and on my adam's apple and then I froze when they moved to the other side of my face, he was kissing my scar!?

His hands were around my waist and he didn't stop the kissing even though he had to feel me freeze. He peppered kissed on my scars, everywhere on my face, both sides and then there was a bling of the doors and he pulled me to the hallway with him. I was still stunned. I...nobody had...not even Paul...not the scars...

"Earth to Jasper." he said suddenly and I blinked. "The door, Jasper?" he asked and grinned crookedly, looking so damn hot I had to blush.

I fumbled with the keys this time, mostly because I was drunk but it had something to do with his erection pressing against my ass when he pulled me close to him while I opened the door. Oh gods...

I blame the alcohol.

For a moment it was only clothes flying, us stumbling to get our shoes off and heavy kissing. I lost every inhibition I had in me for a moment.

When we were in my bedroom, I suddenly realised there were things we had no clue of and how fragile this situation was for me, maybe for both of us.

"Edward, stop." I told him, holding his wrists and pulling my head away from him.

He looked at me, suddenly both annoyed from the distraction and insecure of the reason. I liked that because it showed me he wasn't too drunk to have his brain operating too.

"If you want me...you'll have to let me...top..." I told him. I couldn't do it the other way around. The memories of...Paul, how difficult was it to even think of his name in this context, would prevent me to bottom until I knew the person I was with. If I ever would.

I released his wrists and sat on the edge of my bed while he stood there, torn. I could tell he was one of those guys who didn't bottom. Ever. Maybe he never had. He probably thought he'd get what ever he wanted. Guess again, Cullen.

"Jasper..." he started, his tone telling me he would try to talk me in to changing my mind.

"No. I'm already making decisions I would never do if I didn't have all this alcohol in my blood. I might regret even this, what's happened so far, in the morning. If you truly want me, you'll give yourself to me. I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow, but if I'm to...do this with anyone...it has to happen on my terms." I told him, raising my eyes to meet his.

"Okay. I want you. I'll prove it to you." he said after a silence.

It wasn't so much of the actual act he was afraid of, I could tell that. That had been what had driven Paul in to being strictly top. This was about control. About letting someone have their way and Edward not getting his.

"Then what are you waiting for. You'll yet to see the rest of my scars. Maybe you'll just bolt after I take my shirt off." I tried to joke about it but it sounded like only half of it was playing.

"No, that's a double no, actually." he said while he took the steps between where he was standing and the edge of the bed.

I raised my brow at him.

"First of all, I won't bolt. Secondly, it's not you who'll be taking your shirt off." he smirked and then tugged my long sleeved tshirt over my head.

I was rigid. It had been a long time since anyone saw me without a shirt on. Edward stepped back, looked around and then turned the lamp on my bedside table on. He turned it so it lit me up, like a spotlight was cast on me. Then he came back and knelt between my legs on the floor.

I was ashamed. So ashamed of myself. My scars. How hideous I looked. I could barely stay still because everything in me was telling me to run away from this situation. Because any second now he would run. If I wouldn't beat him to it, he would run.

There were tears rolling down my cheeks suddenly.

He moved, I closed my eyes. He was moving away from me I was sure. And then I felt his mouth on my chest. I gasped surprisedly. He was kissing my scars, chastely, but he was touching them with his lips and his hand sneaked around my waist to keep me still. When he couldn't reach anymore he got up and kissed the ones on my shoulder, moving to the ones on my neck and my ear and then my face again and finally kissed my lips in the same chaste way.

"You are beautiful. Don't ever think otherwise." I heard him murmur in to my ear, the scarred one, before he pulled away from me a bit to open the remaining buttons of his dress shirt and I got up too.

I pushed the shirt down so that it pooled on the floor. I had to believe in him.

"Edward...promise me...if I...freak out in the morning...try to understand, please?" I asked him.

"I'll make it easier. After we've done...this... I'll call a cab and go home instead of staying to do the walk of shame in the morning. You can call me, I won't harass you. If you need time...afterwards...I'll give you time. But I promise I won't be mad." he mumbled these words to my neck as he was getting us both naked, letting me just stand there and try not to freak out already.

Someone else might have been offended by his words. About not staying the night, about walk of shame, about everything. To me though...it was all very different. I knew he was trying. I knew that if he was completely honest about his feelings, it would be difficult for him to just do this and then leave. Maybe I was testing his words, his integrity.

I was sobering up, slowly but surely, so I didn't want to waste any more time. I knew that past a certain point I wouldn't be able to do this. I wanted to. For many reasons, at least as many as I had against doing this.

I turned to rummage through the drawer of my bedside table. I kept lube in there, where else? And condoms I had checked out on a whim a few months ago. They got old, they had a best before-date. Maybe it was an omen, though I had laughed myself that day. I wasn't laughing now, was I.

Then I pulled Edward to me, I could see the insecurity flashing in his eyes when I made us fall on the bed and I rolled him to his back. I looked at him for a moment. Concentrating to him, his body, his pleasure.

It prevented me from thinking about how I looked in this light, it prevented me from looking for the signs of possible disgust in him that I still waited to see any moment now. It prevented me from over-analyzing this to pieces.

I ran my fingers on his skin. Everywhere from his perfect lips and angular features to his neck, where I placed wet kisses that made him squirm and me chuckle. His chest and nipples that had turned in to pebbles without me touching them got a lot of attention too. His back was arching against my mouth and hands, he was moaning when I reached his abs.

I had forgotten how good it felt to make someone feel this way. How turned on I could be just by making Edward turned on.

I could see his erection, pulsating and the pre-cum slowly dripping to his stomach. It blew my mind, that he wanted me so badly. I must have grinned, because suddenly there was a slightly puzzled "What?" and I chuckled.

"Nothing...I just...I feel good..." I said and surprised myself with the words. I really did feel good.

So I couldn't waste any time, could I?

I placed myself between his thighs and leaned up to kiss him. I made the kissing slow but heated and made sure his cock was between us while I slowly rocked my hips to help him relax even before I had done anything to him.

I leaned back and took the lube. I glanced in to Edwards eyes and saw hesitance.

"Have you done this before?" I asked him, spreading the lube to my hand and fingers.

"Y-yes...just...not in years...and it was never...pleasant..." he looked away and I reached my other hand to touch his cheek.

"I promise not to hurt you. I promise you'll feel good about this." I said, my tone was gentle and he turned his eyes back to me and nodded.

He closed his eyes as I rubbed his entrance with my fingertips, spreading the lube around first before I leaned to lick his cock while I slipped one finger in to him. He gasped and his hips bucked and his eyes flew open when he realised I was already in. The sensations had totally thrown him off balance and he blinked and smiled a bit baffledly.

"See...not that bad, eh?" I smirked a bit before wrapping my fingers around the base of his cock as I slid another finger in to him and scissored gently. His head lolled back as I moved my both hands to ease him in to this and to make him feel pleasure.

When I finally pulled my hands away to get the condom from the wrapper and lube myself, Edward's eyes were darker, his breathing was shallow and he was anticipating both the discomfort and the pleasure, but there was no hesitance anymore.

I moved myself, letting my cock rest against his entrance and looked him in the eyes.

"Are you absolutely sure about this?" I asked and he nodded.

"Yes...I want you to have me." he said and suddenly something rang a bell.

He never let anyone have him. He was the one taking, this was a way to surrender himself to me. Because I really did mean something to him.

I couldn't dwell on that. Instead I pushed my hips forwards a bit, waiting for him to relax again before pushing some more. We continued this, him relaxing and me thrusting a bit until I was suddenly completely inside of him.

I leaned forward carefully while letting him adjust to me and kissed his lips almost chastely. Then I smiled and he responded in kind.

"Thank you." I said and he nodded. He knew what I meant.

And then I began to move in him.

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**AN2: **Yes, I am a mean bitch. Of course I left it at that. You need to come back to read more. And don't you go thinking it's going to be all flowers and rainbows and butterflies after this. You should know these boys better than that already.


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer:** The usual. Still not mine. Luckily my dirty imagination is.

**AN: **I realised I forgot unicorns from the last AN. No unicorns either. You'll see.

Chapter 6. This is where we see things from Edward's point of view and learn a little tidbit about his past which suddenly seems slightly darker. We learn that the boys can use the internet... We also learn what kind of coffee Leah likes.

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EPOV

I ran after him. At first my disoriented mind had to struggle for the right direction. I had driven around here a few times but it wasn't a familiar part of the city for me. So I had to think and I had just downed two more drinks.

The next thing was to keep my head and my feet together while I was running to the hopefully right direction. I saw him after a while and in the distance his building. Awesome!

I called out to him, making him stop, freeze in his usual rabbit in the headlights-way. I promised myself I'd never make him feel like that again.

Jasper turned around to look at me and I saw a range of emotions there on his lovely features. Sometimes I was sure he was hiding from himself too, under the scars he had. I was sure he wasn't aware of the things flashing on his face when he was with me. I didn't know if it happened with others too, but I knew it happened with me.

I ran the last steps to him and told him the truth. That I couldn't let him go. I know I sounded...desperate yet determined. I needed him to listen to me. He wasn't running yet which was a good sign and then suddenly he was looking at my lips like he wanted to kiss me.

I hadn't wanted anything more in a very long time but...rabbit in the headlights, wild animal I was trying to get to accept me before I was even dreaming of taming... I leaned in, half way. Knowing he didn't need to be scared to run away from me. Any discomfort might do that. I was surprised that he leaned in to kiss me.

What ever it was that changed his mind, maybe alcohol, maybe I had finally made some progress some way I didn't know of, I wasn't going to question it.

When our lips met... oh wow. Even with my 'this is your brain on beer and scotch'-mind I could tell there was something there and I gasped as he did and we both stared at each other wide-eyed. Interesting.

Suddenly he was tugging me with him towards his building and I was surprised. Pleased, but surprised. Was I really following Jasper to his building?

I was and I couldn't take my mind off the fact that I was getting to him. Jasper wouldn't act like this unless he wanted me. He wanted me. It blew my mind. I was falling in love with this man and I had thought...

At that point he tugged me in to the elevator, let go of my hand and pushed the button. When he turned around I could tell what he was saying without uttering a word. He was questioning me, challenging me to prove I really wanted him because he still didn't believe me.

I reminded myself that this was Jasper. Who had been hurt, who I wanted more than I had ever wanted anyone before and I pretty much lunged myself at him.

The first kiss...I could hear him moan in to it, which was all my body needed to hear for me to miraculously have a hard on. No, not a hard on, a raging, rock hard erection. I had never before gotten from nothing in to _this_.

After the kiss on his lips I moved my mouth to his jaw and throat and kissed him gently to the side of him he was so afraid to show to people. I kissed his scars, when he realised what I was doing he froze immediately. I kept on going until I heard the sound of the elevator doors open and then I pulled him with me to his door.

He was stunned. I could tell. He hadn't seen that coming, at all.

I had to tease him, just a bit. To lighten the mood and to tell him it was okay to feel what ever he was feeling right now. In that spirit I chuckled when he fumbled with the keys.

As soon as we got inside it was all hands on each other, kissing, frantic pace to get our shoes off, our jackets were dropped somewhere on the way, part of my shirt buttons were open and then we were in his bedroom without me having no recollection of going there.

I was pretty much getting to my old self, the one who would be claiming his body no matter what. That was until the words hit me.

"Edward, stop." He even grabbed my wrists and pulled away from me to really make me stop as he did.

The next words hit me like a ton of bricks. I had a serious flashback of someone else. Not the proudest moment of my life, certainly. Waking up in the morning, having... Oh wow I couldn't even think about it. Let's just say that I had wanted to get high and in order to get that I had agreed to an ultimatum. _"If you want this, you'll let me fuck you." _And I had been in need of the little bag of powder he had held between his fingers. I had no money with me. I needed to score. So while I was... No, I was not going to go there.

While I was having my flashback, I realised Jasper sat down and spoke. I concentrated on him. This was Jasper who I had feelings for.

I knew he wouldn't _hurt_ me. I knew that. But I had hesitations. Control issues. Relinquishing control to someone was an issue for me.

I almost pleaded to him, out of habit mostly. I even said his name in a tone I hated myself because it was disrespecting towards his words, what he was asking of me.

I listened to him and made my decision. If this was what was needed to get to him, and I wasn't meaning the physical side, I would do it. For him. I would prove I was worthy of him. Of his trust. I wasn't...who ever it had been who had hurt him.

I told him that and he joked about his appearance again. About me running from him after his shirt would come off. I felt almost sad on the inside. He still believed I was about to run because of his scars. I couldn't have that.

So I covered my emotions in to my trademark smirk and pulled his shirt off him after making a bit of fun of the situation again.

I knew he'd hate the next thing I was going to do, but it needed to be done for his own sake, maybe mine too, I suppose. I turned on his reading light and turned it so that it was illuminating his upper body.

Then I knelt between his legs and looked at his scars carefully. I saw how he flinched. He was so uncomfortable it was breaking my heart. He was so tense, so ready to get away from the situation. His eyes were so torn and he didn't look at me, instead he concentrated on something between us.

He needed to be shown, he needed to be told. So I moved and I saw him close his eyes. I knew he thought I was moving away from him. So the surprised gasp from him when I started to kiss his chest where the scars were didn't phase me. I kept going, even when the tears fell on to my path and made my lips moist.

The scars weren't hideous. He was just used to them being considered as such. They were a pattern of skin, most likely burned, a long time ago. There was nothing ugly about it. I knew some people might consider it ugly or disgusting, but I was not that shallow. The scars made Jasper what he was and I was falling fast and hard for the man he was on the inside, as well as on the outside.

"You are beautiful. Don't ever think otherwise." I told him when I had kissed every bit of his damaged skin and his lips afterwards.

I got to my feet to get my shirt off and Jasper got up too. He helped the shirt down from my shoulders and then spoke. That was something I hadn't considered yet, but even being slightly drunk I could tell how important this was to him.

How hard it was for him to trust me even being drunk, even with everything that had happened between us and what I had told him so far. So I made him a promise. After we had done what we were going to do, I would go home to sleep. I would give him all the space he needed to mull everything over in his head and I would let him call me.

That seemed to satisfy him, make him sure about something, because he changed a bit. I liked this about him, the little differences in him when he came in to some conclusion in his mind or just decided it was time to be brave again.

Soon enough it was my turn, to be brave. To trust myself in to his hands. He changed when he needed to make me comfortable. He changed when he was making me feel good about this all. I knew part of it was making him less self-conscious. I didn't mind and I'm honestly not saying that just because how he was working my body to elicit all sorts of sounds from me and making me throb with need.

He was touching me in a way that made me feel something I had never felt before. He made me relax, trust him, trust that he would be there for me even after I'd give myself to him completely. It was huge for me, to get away from my learned pattern of how I acted in these situations.

At some point I looked at him and saw him grin a bit. I asked about it.

"Nothing...I just...I feel good..." he said and he looked like he was feeling good about this, not only physically though that was pretty evident when I looked at his cock, as hard as mine was.

He wanted me. It felt...amazing. I could barely believe it.

Of course I had to relinquish the control I still had, the last bits of the part of me that was screaming that I shouldn't give control over to him. Because I hardly knew him. I didn't know anything about Jasper, did I?

His actions made my rational side win the argument. When he asked me if I had done this before I told him the truth, or half of the truth. All he needed to know for now.

He was teasing the hell out of me, in a very good way though. He eased me in to it all very gently and almost in a sneaky manner. It was so... I had no real words. I was so turned on it felt odd. To think that something about sex could feel odd to me.

I knew it was the real emotions I has dealing with that made it different. This wasn't just some random fuck. Some random guy I had picked up because I was horny. This was someone I had feelings for who wanted me despite being seriously broken inside. He was giving me a chance to show how I felt about him and I was doing that, partially by giving myself to him instead of just taking and controlling the hell out of the situation.

The things he was doing, from licking my cock to kissing me and teasing me with his fingers to make room in me, were all done in a fashion that made the last of my hesitance fall off me. There was none by the time he made sure I was okay with this.

Again, I had probably never spoken words more true than the next ones.

"Yes...I want you to have me."

I didn't mean just this, my body. I wanted him to have _me_. But this wasn't the time for discussions.

Gradually we became one. He pushed in to me and when I relaxed he pushed again. Suddenly he was inside me to the hilt and he leaned to kiss me. There was something very sweet about that kiss.

He thanked me and I nodded. I was afraid that if I would speak out loud I'd...let my emotions overwhelm me. I knew what he was thanking me for.

When he moved, I could feel my head loll back on to the pillows. I had never felt this kind of connection to anyone in my life.

Sure, I had bottomed before, that wasn't it. The emotions rushing through me with the extreme pleasure... I didn't know if I should cry out or just...cry.

He leaned to kiss me again and there was nothing chaste about it. The passion in the kiss told me he was feeling it too. It wasn't just a physical act to him either. I could almost taste his fear too. It wasn't quite as fine with him as he thought it was and I hoped he wouldn't freak out too badly in the end.

"Jasper...harder..." I managed to say and I saw his eyes turn dark, his whole expression changed and he took me like I asked him to. I wanted to feel this properly, if I was never to feel this again, I wanted to have proper memories of this.

I wrapped my legs around him and raised my hips to meet him as I was pulling him closer with each thrust. I could feel how he changed. There was nothing hesitant about this Jasper. He was taking me, as much of me I was giving to him. He was taking and embracing the control.

There was an edge of desperation to the way we...did what we were doing. That's the best way I could describe it. Desperation. We were desperate both in our own ways. Me to get close to him, to be his even for a moment. He to get rid of any past demons, even for a moment.

Suddenly I felt the tingling sensation, the muscles around my midsection clenched and I came violently, screaming his name and holding on to him as my spasms swept him in to his orgasm.

We were acting like total girls. Trying to secretly wipe the tears from our cheeks. Come on now, seriously? I was more butch than Melissa Etheridge and k.d. lang combined!

Jasper pulled out and went to dispose of the condom. He got back with a washcloth and cleaned me up very gently. I watched him do this to me. It occurred to me I never did it to anyone I fucked. I was never tender or affectionate or even gentle, not really.

"Thank you." I said quietly and he smiled a bit, not looking in to my eyes.

The sex had sobered us up a bit. I could tell how the insecurity was suddenly creeping to his expressions and movements.

"I don't regret any of this. I don't want you to either." I told him as I slowly stretched on the bed and got up as he was getting in to bed.

He seemed amazed that I was actually doing what I had told him I would.

"Oh believe me, Jasper. For the first time ever I really want to spend the night. But I won't. I don't want to crowd you." I smiled as I got dressed.

I leaned on to the bed and kissed him gently.

"Hey...Edward..." he said suddenly, "you told me I should call you... Could we instead... Could you send me your phone number to my email? I'll get it tomorrow at work. You can find my email address from the shop website." he said and smiled a bit shyly.

"Sure." I told him and he blushed a bit as I let my gaze travel on his still naked form. "You have no idea how sexy you are." I said in a slightly purring tone and he blushed deeper.

"Okay, I'm going but I'll be emailing you as soon as I get home." I told him and he rolled his eyes but there was a smirk there too.

I left his place and hailed a cab and went home.

I still didn't know what would happen tomorrow. But I was feeling...giddy. I had just had the most amazing sex in all my history of fucking around like my life depended on it. I had done it with the man I was falling for and he had finally shown that he did have some sort of feelings for me. I felt like doing a happy dance. As I said, I was growing a vagina.

I went online after I had gotten myself a cold Dr. Pepper from the fridge and googled the shop's website. I found it easily and realised that they did some serious business. Not online, but the way their forums were crowded with people and the way Jasper and Rosalie were both working that aspect, they must have. Nobody puts that much time in to chatting with clients if they weren't potential customers to the shop too. Interesting.

I picked Jasper's email address and sent him my number with a small message. Basically just my number and thank you and whatnot. Nothing too sappy. Just that I wasn't pushing him and I was grateful for what we had shared.

On a whim, I added the email address to my IM and then checked my emails, going through the usual routines, removing ads and some people I didn't want to have anything to do with. My Facebook was once again filled with idiots wanting to be my "friend". I didn't know half of these people. Besides I didn't add people just because I had fucked them, I mean come on...

I checked if Jasper had an account and he did. Hmm. I wanted to add him to my list. I sent the friend request before I thought about it and then closed my laptop and went to bed.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

I woke up again around midday. My hangover was firmly in place but it was nothing I couldn't manage. I got up, took some ibuprofen and went to take a shower while my laptop was starting itself.

It was a morning routine. Or...routine. Post-waking up routine. I walked to the kitchen, put the coffeemaker on, turned on the laptop while passing it and went to take a shower. When I was back, the both gadgets were ready.

I sat there in my robe, sipping my coffee when I checked if Alice was online on her IM. She was sometimes on her coffee breaks at the kindergarten and this was around the time she might be on. She wasn't, but Jasper was. I nearly spilled my double-espresso on my lap when I saw his name. It meant he had accepted me as a contact. Erm...what to do...what to say? What if he didn't want to speak to me? I had promised not to push him. Hmm...what would I say? Come on now, think...

**EC: Morning. Hung over? Just checking if you got my email.**

It took six minutes before he replied. Either he was busy at work or he was contemplating if he wanted to answer me.

**Jasper: It's nearly afternoon, Edward. And yes. Hell of a headache. Got it. Was waiting for a good moment to call you...**

What, he was leaving that hanging, seriously?

**EC: But?**

**Jasper: Not sure if I was ready to. Yet. Or..something. Complicated.**

Uh-kay... This wasn't very promising, was it? Though I needed to remember, rabbit in the headlights, wild animal, hold your horses Edward Cullen.

**EC: It's fine. I'm really not giving you the room I promised right now and I'm probably messing with your work too. So...**

**Jasper: Yeah. See you.**

And then his status was changed to 'busy'. Awesome. I sighed and took a sip of my now cold espresso. Eww.

I left a note to my signature on my IM, telling that I was there if someone needed me even though my status was 'away'. Okay, I should have mentioned that I was "there" only for Jasper but it's not like I could do that.

After two in the afternoon I began to go through my IM contacts. I removed twenty-six names. People I didn't have any contact with anymore. Then I added five more to the removals, four guys and one girl I didn't want to see again because I had fucked them. I didn't want their 'what are you doing tonight'-messages on my IM. I knew I was a great fuck but somehow it felt...not right. Not now.

At some point Jasper went offline. I kept reminding myself to give him room. I had promised that.

I missed him. I was acting like a girl again. Great.

He didn't come online the rest of the day, nor did he call me. He didn't accept my friend-request or send me an email. How do I know? Because yes, I spent the whole fucking day inside, checking my laptop and my cell every five minutes until I had to order some chinese from the nearby joint to have something to eat.

I was pathetic. I could fucking get any piece of ass in this city but I chose to sit at home and wait for one particular piece of ass to contact me, if he wanted to which I was suddenly less than sure of.

It was over nine in the evening, I was staring at the TV without really seeing what I was watching when my IM made a sound. Jasper had logged in. My heart rate was speeding immediately. Oh god...

**Jasper: You there?**

**EC: Yes.**

Okay, so maybe being 'away' but answering in two seconds was a bit... Lame.

**Jasper: Hi.**

**EC: Hi Jasper. :)**

**Jasper: So...wanted to say sorry for bailing earlier... I don't do these things. IM, hell I don't do what we did last night.**

**EC: I've gathered as much.**

**Jasper: What are you up to?**

Lie or tell the truth? Half way, in the true Edward Cullen way.

**EC: Watching TV. Some game show.**

**Jasper: Liar. If you were watching it you'd know what it was about. ^^**

I laughed out loud at that. He was right.

**EC: Busted. What are YOU up to?**

**Jasper: I'm trying to relax. Trying not to overthink. **

**EC: sounds somehow familiar...**

**Jasper. Really?**

**EC: You have no idea.**

It took him a while to come up with something to say but he was putting effort in to this and I was grateful.

**Jasper: Did you really mean all you said?**

Without a heartbeat I answered him.

**EC: Everything.**

There was a long silence again.

**Jasper: It's hard to trust someone I don't know at all. I hardly trust people I've known for years. **

I sighed.

**EC: I can't say I'm the most trustworthy person out there. If you'd go to a club, straight or gay, and asked around... **

I couldn't type it. That he'd find people I had fucked from any club he'd go to.

After a few minutes he answered.

**Jasper: That bad?**

**EC: I'm a trust fund baby. I have never had a job. I've never done anything right. I've just partied and fucked ever since I turned 21. Well, I fucked well before that but the partying started then.**

There, my dirty not so little secrets.

He went silent for a long time.

**EC: I'm 29 and I've never felt anything towards anyone before I met you, Jasper.**

Still nothing.

**EC: I know I promised not to corner you with this. I'm sorry.**

Five more minutes of silence.

**Jasper: We're just chatting. Not cornering me. I'm just...thinking.**

I was immediately relieved. Not completely but a bit more relaxed than I had been.

**EC: Ok... **

**Jasper: I'm... I need to tell you about my ex. But not tonight. I'm still not quite there with you yet. I'm sorry Edward.**

**EC: I know... I'll be patient. I promise.**

I was silent for a moment and he was too.

**EC: Would it be awkward if I came to the shop tomorrow to look for a book?**

This was a valid thing, not something I was coming up with on the spot, I really wanted that one book.

**Jasper: No, if you really want a book from our shop, I'm just glad. Just...you know.**

He meant no expectations from if we met.

**EC: I know Jasper, I know. :)**

**Jasper: Around one? Bring me coffee. The girls too since they'll be bitching if it's just me.**

I chuckled, I totally saw both of the women doing that.

**EC: Absolutely. What do they drink? I know you drink yours black.**

Jasper went on to telling me what Rosalie and Leah drank and I promised to be there, one in the afternoon, sharp.

**EC: Good night. **

**Jasper: Night E.**

Then he logged off and I did too. I was closing my browser when I realised he had added me to his Facebook.

Being the curious bastard I am, I went to his page to check details about him. There was very little. He did mention preferring men. It was brave of him but then again he didn't hide his preference.

His status was clearly a quote from someone. It was also new, he had put it up at some point during our little conversation. _"It is easy to be brave from a safe distance."_

Did that mean he was trying? That he was being brave about us? Or something completely different? Why wasn't I having cramps yet since I was so clearly PMSing like hell?

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

I had set my alarm for the first time in a while. I woke up at eleven. I did my usual morning routines. Obsessed.

Was this the first time I'd meet Rosalie, his sister? Maybe I still was nothing but a guy Jasper had hooked up with? Maybe... And then I clicked the internal button that set my brain on mute and got dressed in black jeans, light blue button up and my favorite leather jacket (for comfort). My worker's boots would have to do.

Before going to the shop I went to get the coffees for everyone. I picked up two blueberry and two cranberry muffins. I hoped we could share them in some way that would be okay for everyone. I liked cranberry-ones but my sister just loved blueberries so..who knows.

I arrived at the Puzzle around 12:55. I parked my car and sat for two minutes until my heart calmed down. Now, when did Edward Cullen turn in to a pussy? Oh, about the same time he grew ovaries... Okay, enough with the bad jokes about my assumed lack of masculinity...

I got out of the car with the coffees and the muffins and managed to get the door open. Leah was behind the counter this time and it seemed like one of those quiet moments.

"Hey Edward!" she greeted me in a more genuine manner this time.

"Hello Leah. De-caf latte with cinnamon?" I asked her and her eyes widened.

"No, not clairvoyant, just had some help." I chuckled and offered her a muffin. She picked a blueberry-one.

"Thanks, they're both upstairs." she nodded and I raised my eyebrow. "Oh go ahead. It's not a restricted area even though people rarely go there." she said and waved her hand a bit.

I nodded and swallowed and went to my doom. To meet Rosalie. And her angel of a brother.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

**AN: **Everyone, you definitely should check out my new favorite story, **Alive With the Glory of Love** by robpat. It's a heart-wrenching story and has lots of darker themes and drama but it's so excellently written I can just wish I got there one day.

Also, there's a new chapter of Ink Street by AHelm and who doesn't love that. I do. *squeels and tries to steal Inksper*

Some love for me, please? Reviews keeps my keyboard making funny sounds at ungodly hours.


	7. Rosalie's Story

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything Twi. I wish though.

**AN**: So, before I could write another REAL chapter, Rosalie kept bugging me to write this out. She says you guys need to know before Edward will. I don't know why, but that's what she says and what Rosalie wants, she gets.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

**Find You Worthy, Rosie's Outtake.**

Rosalie's POV

Hello, my name is Rosalie and I almost killed my baby brother when I was sixteen.

My family is pretty much ordinary. I was the first child and after me they tried for years to get me 'someone to play with'. When I was six, I finally got a brother, Jasper.

Fun and games ensued? Not exactly...

You see, being the only child had its perks. I was the little princess. I was perfect, the angel. What I really was already was a little devil in disguise. I did hide it well though.

It was always easy for me to wrap people around my little finger. Everyone I met fell in love with me and everything I wanted, I got.

When Jasper came along it was a shock. I began to act out because suddenly everyone was all about my cute, angelic little brother. He was a lovely baby, quiet and giggly whereas I had been a whiney little girl, I had cried with no reason just to get attention. Jasper on the other hand, he never cried if there wasn't anything wrong.

If he needed changing, he cried. If he was sick or in pain, he cried. If he was hungry, he cried. That was it. When he got sleepy, he became more quiet and everyone knew it was time for a nap. When he needed company, he began to giggle and nobody could resist him.

At first I tried though. Of course I did. Didn't last long.

So when he grew up a bit, he became my shadow. We played around our yard, I babysat him and we were best friends despite me being six year older. We were your perfect pair of siblings. The little angels. Picture an all American family with two kids and that's us. That's what we were.

When I hit puberty, he was still a kid. I didn't have that much time for him anymore, I had more friends, more things to see and places to go to. I had my first boyfriend when I was fourteen and suddenly Jasper following me around wasn't such a good idea anymore.

I had gotten my driver's licence and I sometimes had to take Jas to little league or soccer practice. He was an active, outgoing kid. I was proud of him, even though I whined when I had to walk him or later drive him to places.

That day...

It was a cloudy afternoon and I had had an exam in the morning so my day was pretty much open. Mom asked me to get Jasper from his soccer practice around five. I was supposed to be going to a friend's house for a slumber party (I know, how big of a cliché was that...) and I was anxious. I wanted to get there early, but mom insisted. She was baking for a bake-sale, being the all around lovely mom she is.

So grudgingly I promised to. I would go pick up Jasper from the practice, drop him home and then go to my friend's place.

When I drove to get him from the practice it started raining. Not a little drizzle but a heavy, out of the nowhere rain. I had hard time concentrating on driving when I could hardly see, but I wanted to get this done with so I could go to Joanna's.

When I got there, Jasper was jumping up and down, holding his jacket over his head like an umbrella and ducked in to my new used car dad had gotten me. Of course he splashed water everywhere and I got even more pissed off at that.

I told him off and I could tell his good mood, despite the rain he had been in one, started to fade.

When I began to drive towards home, he began to tell me about the practice. See, I was a cheerleader, a football kind of a girl. I hated soccer, but Jasper liked it best. I was annoyed and told him to shut it but he didn't listen.

He had made two goals out of three that had been made on the field that day. He was ecstatic.

I was pissed the hell off at him, he was ten, he was babbling, I was driving home in heavy rain...

When I finally got to the end of my patience, I was nearly half way home.

"Would you fucking shut up already?!?" I yelled at him and turned to glance at him.

The look of shock was the last thing I remember seeing on his perfect little angel's face.

The next thing I remember was waking up. I was in the hospital. Broken bones, bruises, nothing else. Nothing that wouldn't heal in a few months.

When I took my eyes off the road, I managed to drive in to a deep puddle followed by a pothole and my car began to slide.

It slid for a while before bouncing off something and spinning over and over, on to a little field where I somehow managed to fly out through the windshield, because I most likely didn't have my seat belt on.

I was lucky. Later I accidentally saw a picture of the car. The whole driver's side was burned. The whole left side of the car burned to crisp.

So did my brother's face and chest on his left side before some passer-by managed to pull him out.

I never forgave myself.

He was ten. The epitome of a healthy, athletic little boy. Always happy, funny, cheerful.

After the accident he went in to himself. He retreated somewhere within himself, disappeared from the world.

And I blamed myself.

He changed. Two years after the accident I realised I hadn't heard him laugh out loud in...I couldn't remember when. To this day, the sound of Jasper laughing makes me cry, because he used to laugh so much it was like music in our home.

Much later, when he had come out, I met some native guys in a club. One of them, a very attractive guy called Paul, tried to charm me but also told me he liked guys too. I wasn't that much in to him, but something about him told me he should meet Jasper. So I set them up.

That was my second biggest mistake.

They hit it off immediately. Jasper was twenty, he had never been in a relationship before. Hell, he had only been with one or two guys in any way before Paul.

Maybe that was why he believed everything he was told by that scumbag.

I went moved out of town to study elsewhere briefly so I didn't see them after the beginning. I was thinking the guys were happy. They lived together, Jasper was in love. He was flourishing. He didn't think about his appearance at all. When I saw him on holidays I patted myself on the back.

He was so in love. He was so happy. So outgoing and so bloody different.

And then Paul met Rachel and everything fell apart.

I blamed myself for all the things he did and how he told Jasper about them.

After that I never set Jasper up again.

The worst thing was, Jasper lost his spark. He went in to this mode where he functioned but wasn't quite there most of the time. Only very rarely he sort of woke up from his slumber, when he got really excited about a book or a movie or a piece of music. Never of a person though.

He didn't trust anyone. He rarely trusted me or anyone else he had known for a long time. In his mind, when the one he loved so deeply could betray him, anyone could.

Of course he ignored the fact that Paul never truly loved him. That fact made no difference to him.

I'm thirty..something now. I've never found anyone to be with. My biological clock is ticking so loudly it scares animals away from me.

I know I'm punishing myself. As long as Jasper has no-one, I don't deserve anyone. I've destroyed relationships in so many ways before they got to be serious. Jasper doesn't know and he never will.

Until Jasper has happiness, I'll be the sarcastic, bitchy ice-queen I've been since my late teens. Ever since I needed to protect my brother from the bullies.

I will never let anyone hurt him again.


	8. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: **Still don't own Twi. *sighs* I don't own the words of Kahlil Gibran either.

**AN: **Thanks for the lovely reviews. This took a bit more time to write because I was tired and then lost in the world of wine and good company. Now I'm back and hopefully the next chapter will be out soon.

I give you Chapter 7, where Jasper has a minor revelation and Edward gets to meet Rosalie.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*

JPOV

After we had sex I was sure he'd stay. But he didn't, because he had promised he wouldn't. It amazed me but I was impressed too. When I woke up in the morning I was quite glad about it. I was freaking out. I was having a massive headache and on top of that my brain was going over every little detail about the previous night. If Edward had been there, it would have messed me a bit too much.

I had believed him. Several times when he told me or showed me how he saw me, the inside me, not the scarred outside me...I had believed him.

I had made him feel pleasure, I had made him bottom even though it terrified him and he had done it to show me that he wanted me. And he had feelings for me. That's what he said.

I could still feel the kisses on my face, on my chest. The way he was so gentle and so caring.

I remembered how I asked him to email me his number instead. I knew, in the morning, that I gave him a chance to contact me online. I knew I wouldn't call him, at least not right away.

When I was at work I checked my email and his number was there with a little note, just a few words really. I found myself smiling a bit at that.

I programmed his number to my cell and spent a while on picking the ringtone. I had a special ringtone for everyone important. Oops.

Apparently he had crossed some line in my mind, one of those invisible boundaries I had set up for myself. He was in there now, permanently, whether I wanted or not, whether I believed him or not.

A line from his little email kept ringing in my head.

"_Even if you never believe me, I'd still be grateful for last night. You've shown me things about myself I never knew existed. You've showed me I can feel again. I'm grateful."_

I settled for Starlight by Muse.

I put my IM on and realised he had added me. Hmm. Well...it would look odd if I didn't accept the guy who I had just fucked, right? Especially when he was the first guy I had been in...a _while_.

So I went to work, leaving my IM on for some reason I couldn't comprehend. Not long after it made that annoying sound and there was a note from Edward.

I could feel my heart racing, immediately. It was so strange that only a few little words could make me feel so... Excited? Hell...

I chatted with him, sort of, and then went back to work. I had to concentrate on the work. Otherwise it would be just my head in somewhere very high and no work done.

At some point Rosie came upstairs and looked at me once before bursting out in sort of a disbelieving laughter.

I raised a brow.

"You bloody hell got laid last night, didn't you?" she managed to get out in between giggles.

"Rosalie Whitlock..." I warned her but she totally ignored me.

"That Edward guy, right? Seriously? Jasper, I'm so proud of you!" and then she went on how lovely it was that her little brother finally managed to get laid because she was sure my parts had fallen off...or something.

I kept silent and rolled my eyes every now and then until she stopped blabbing.

"Done yet?" I asked when I realised she was staring at me.

"Jasper...does he really like you? I mean...for real?" she asked in a tone I didn't recognize.

I sighed and scratched my neck while staring at the wall next to her.

"He says he has feelings for me, yes."

"Oh my God...Jasper...honey..." she was tearing up, I could tell that, "do you like him back?" she asked before she tried to wipe her eyes without spreading her mascara everywhere.

"I don't... I'm not sure..." I muttered and then it slipped out of my mouth like something miraculous, something I had never thought I'd get to say, "_he kissed my scars._..all my scars...he wanted me still..." and I know my eyes were watering too but I couldn't stop it.

She didn't say a thing, just came to me and wrapped her arms around my shoulders like she had done so many times when we were kids and then we cried for a moment. Our shoulders shook. I don't know which one of us was more happy or relieved at this sudden revelation that someone could still really want me.

We went back to work in a while, Rosalie via the bathroom in the back so that she could re-apply her face first. I couldn't call Edward, I'd just get overwhelmed again. I hated that feeling, it always reminded me of the moment with Paul, when he told me those things.

I ended up working to around seven, well after closing time. Just to get stuff done and avoiding thinking about..him. I was eating my dinner when it hit me. I didn't really want to lose him. But I...wanted to see where this would go if I just dared to and wouldn't run him off with my strangeness.

It still took me some time before I clicked my IM on at home. The list told me Edward was 'away'. Should I still say something? Yes? No? Maybe? If I said something, would it seem...desperate? Like I wanted to speak with him so much I'd ignore his status? Maybe.

Quickly I typed two words. In two seconds he answered and I realised I was grinning.

Okay, so he was there. Hmm. What next?

My heart was pounding like mad.

**Jasper: Hi.**

Smooth, Whitlock, very smooth.

**EC: Hi Jasper. :)**

**Jasper: So...wanted to say sorry for bailing earlier... I don't do these things. IM, hell I don't do what we did last night.**

This was the truth. I wanted this all to be based on truth. Maybe it would help me to believe in it? In...us? If there would be an us?

**EC: I've gathered as much.**

No shit Sherlock? How on earth did you come to that conclusion?

Sarcasm much, Whitlock?

**Jasper: What are you up to?**

He gave me some lame explanation about some game show he couldn't describe. I called him out on that and grinned a bit at the response.

He asked me what I was doing and I told him I was trying to avoid overthinking things and it was the truth, again. I had done that, avoiding the issue, all day and evening too.

Edward told me he was doing the same thing. At first it surprised me, but then again not. It couldn't be easy for him either if these were his first real emotions.

Then I had to ask it. I just had to.

**Jasper: Did you really mean all you said?**

I didn't know he could type that fast.

**EC: Everything.**

I wanted to trust him. So badly. It was...so difficult. So I told him.

**Jasper: It's hard to trust someone I don't know at all. I hardly trust people I've known for years. **

**EC: I can't say I'm the most trustworthy person out there. If you'd go to a club, straight or gay, and asked around... **

Oh crap... These things we hadn't covered yet. That somehow intimidated me... His past. What ever lied there. Somehow I knew he could put those things behind him for me. I don't know how exactly I knew that but I did.

**Jasper: That bad?**

I had to ask. It didn't take him long to type the answer.

**EC: I'm a trust fund baby. I have never had a job. I've never done anything right. I've just partied and fucked ever since I turned 21. Well, I fucked well before that but the partying started then.**

History. He had one. I fell in to my thoughts, in to my head like Rosie called it. I read the next messages he sent me.

**EC: I'm 29 and I've never felt anything towards anyone before I met you, Jasper.**

There it was again. The feelings. I was so scared of feelings...the last time I had felt something...

**EC: I know I promised not to corner you with this. I'm sorry.**

He was sorry. He...thinks he cornered me with the truth. How the hell was this so difficult? Out of practice maybe? _Har har, Whitlock._

**Jasper: We're just chatting. Not cornering me. I'm just...thinking.**

**EC: Ok... **

I could almost feel his relief and frustration through the few little marks.

I needed to explain a bit. What this was about. Four letters...starts with a P...

**Jasper: I'm... I need to tell you about my ex. But not tonight. I'm still not quite there with you yet. I'm sorry Edward.**

**EC: I know... I'll be patient. I promise.**

I sighed with relief. It felt...good. Again, the strange word. I had felt okay for a while now. Not good, almost never good. The last time I felt good was when I first held C.J.

**EC: Would it be awkward if I came to the shop tomorrow to look for a book?**

I told him it was okay. Actually the request surprised me a bit. Of course people read but he knew we only had the few mandatory new books and mostly the old ones. Rare books. I was interested to see what he wanted.

I gave him some instructions about coffee. I thought he should make an impression on the girls and that would spare me from going to get the coffee from elsewhere anyway.

I was...trying. So hard. I knew it could backfire but if he could be there for me, understand me and trust me...maybe I could do the same.

A quote popped in to my mind and I added it to my Facebook. The modern technology was amusing, he had been brave too it seemed. I accepted his friend-request but didn't check his profile. I didn't want to confuse myself with things. I was sure he had tons of friends, people from his past. People I wanted nothing to do with. I would most likely see party-pictures too. I didn't need to see those.

We said goodnight and I went to bed, I was suddenly so very exhausted.

The next morning I was...surprisingly well. I'd see Edward today. The Edward who said he had feelings for me. Who gave himself to me just to prove I could trust him, that he could trust me too. It overwhelmed me. I use that word a lot, 'overwhelm', but that's the best way I can describe all these things that seem to consume me do to me. The overwhelm me.

The beginning of the workday was as usual. Part of me wondered if Edward would show up or not. I hoped he would. I _so_ hoped he would.

If he'd give me the chance, I would hide. It's easy to be brave from a safe distance.

I kept glancing at the clock starting from eleven thirty. Rosalie was sorting books and carrying them downstairs and she noticed me being all antsy. Somehow she managed not to comment.

Twelve fifty-seven I heard the door and then Edward's voice from downstairs. He greeted Leah and they exchanged a few words. My heart was... If I hadn't know better I would have thought I was going to have a panic attack.

Then I realised it was just the feeling you get when you meet the new person in your life. The one you have a crush on. I think my eyes were wide for a moment. I really had let him in, hadn't I? I really had lowered my guards for him or maybe because of him.

Rosalie was kneeling in the corner, sorting through a large box of new old books when I saw a familiar tuft of bronze hair appear to the stairs, followed by Edward's face and then gradually the rest of him. He looked unsure for a moment, nervous, but then he broke in to that irresistable grin of his. I realised I was grinning back.

"Edward." I smiled and nodded my head, getting up from behind my desk. From the corner of my eye I saw Rosalie getting up in her pencil skirt and blouse, her hair was in a tight bun, she had two chopsticks through the bun and looked all sorts of professional.

"Jasper." he said, walking towards me and I had the urge to touch him.

Rosalie looked at us, I knew, but I saw the pleading look in Edward's eyes when he got close enough to set the things from his hands on the edge of my desk.

I realised I had missed him. Despite how bloody difficult this would be, I had missed him because I had let him in. All I could do now was to believe him. To believe that he wouldn't hurt me. I knew I could do this once more. I would be left in ruins if this ended badly, I couldn't try a third time. I think that was the reason I had not let anyone close me after...

I stepped to him and then suddenly we were hugging, holding on to each other for a time that seemed a bit too long for an ordinary hug between friends. It felt like...peace.

From the corner of my eye I saw Rosalie turn around and I could tell by the way I could see her arm move that she was wiping her eyes. I knew the gesture. I stopped spying on her and concentrated on Edward.

"It won't be this easy...but I missed you." I whispered to his ear and I could feel his smile against my neck before he answered me in a similar fashion.

"I know. Don't worry. I missed you too."

There was a sharp cough from Rose and without any embarrassment, which surprised me, we turned and looked at her.

"Can I get the proper introduction here, though we have met." she asked and raised a brow at us.

"Sorry... Rosalie, this is Edward. Edward, this is my obnoxious big sister Rosalie. Much older than me." I said and smirked and I swear I could see Rose blink a few times more than necessary.

"Good day, Rosalie. Nice to properly meet you." Edward said and stepped to her, even kissed her knuckles and grinned at her. I swear she swooned a little though she'd never admit to that.

I peeked in to the bag Edward had brought.

"Ooh, cranberry muffins!" I said and somehow I could tell Edward beamed but I didn't know why exactly.

Rosie forgot all about Edward.

"Coffee? I needed coffee..." she, the caffeine-addict, asked in an interest tone.

"Yes, double espresso for you, right?" Edward asked and she looked at him surprisedly and then at me.

"You were tipped. Very clever." she said and smiled at him just a little.

"One blueberry and one cranberry left." I told her and held out my muffin.

"Blueberry for me." she said and grabbed that and her coffee Edward was holding for her.

"Edward?" she asked just before she was about to retreat down the stairs.

Uh oh.

"Yes?" he asked, turning from me to look at her.

"Thanks for these. And if you ever hurt my brother, you'll be singing falsetto before you can say 'where are my testicles'." she smiled so sweetly, that I almost had to laugh but I couldn't.

You see, her beauty is almost unearthly. When she smiles properly, she looks like an angel. Me, I know her. With that kind of a smile I almost wait for fangs to flash from between her perfect lips.

"I can't say I won't hurt him. But I'd never hurt him on purpose and I'll do my best not to hurt him by accident either." he said seriously.

She nodded. "Well, at least you are honest and a realist. I like that." and then she smiled more genuinely and walked downstairs.

I hadn't realised I had held my breath until there was a whoosh when I finally exhaled.

"She's...intense." Edward commented and I laughed.

"That's nicely put." I grinned.

"I've been threatened like that before. This was the first time I actually believed she meant what she said." he chuckled a bit and shook his head.

"She rarely says things she doesn't mean." I agreed and took a sip from my coffee. That reminded me: "What was the beaming about?" I asked and he looked puzzled. "Muffins?"

"Oh, yes." he blushed. "I had hoped you'd like the cranberry-ones."

"I do. I prefer them. We have more in common than we thought, eh?" I grinned a bit, we were both holding the same coffee too.

He smiled and I think this time I swooned. I couldn't help it. I was letting him in.

"So, the book you wanted to look at?" I asked him when we sat in the two armchairs in front of my desk. We drank our coffees and enjoyed our muffins, our knees were almost touching because we had turned the chairs to face each other.

"Hmm, yes. My mother has this book I have wanted to get for myself. I'm not religious after all but it has the most perfect chapter about love. I want to re-read it from a book instead of finding it online. I often feel like great texts are made somehow...cheap...when they've been turned in to text on your screen." he spoke and then sipped his coffee.

"Hmm...you are right. I don't like it but sometimes it's faster to find something online."

"So the book, it's the Prophet by Kahlil Gibran." he said and I couldn't have been more surprised.

"Yes, I think we have a few copies." I managed to say.

"Don't look so shocked. My mom is an author and my dad is a doctor. There was a certain level of education we were fed at home." he grinned and then it hit me.

"Wait...your mom is Esme Cullen?" I asked and must have gawked at him.

"Yes, that's my mom." he agreed.

"Well that's interesting. She actually writes probably the only decent contemporary novels I like." I said and he nodded and smiled a bit.

His mother really was a talented writer. One of those best seller authors who actually wrote good and meaningful novels and sold massive amounts. Her themes varied a lot, she hadn't written two similar books yet and I liked that about her.

"I should take you to meet her. She'd love to talk books with an expert." he said somehow bashfully and I realised it was because it was his 'I want you to meet my parents'-phrase for me.

"Maybe I'll let you, eventually." I said, smiling, but a bit carefully. I didn't want to rush it and I could see he understood. What ever it was between us, it was still in the very beginning and growing.

We chatted a bit about his mom's books while finishing our coffees and then went downstairs to look for the book for him.

I found that we could have fun together. We were discussing books, he had actually read quite a lot of classics, for example. He said it was because of his mother had insisted on both him and his sister to read some selected works of some authors she had liked growing up.

"Never liked much else than Shakespeare. It was funny really, my sister hated his words but I loved them. They were so...I don't know. I just connected with them." he shrugged a bit and I gawked at his back as he browsed a shelf. Seriously?

"Erm..." I cleared my throat a bit, "we're holding this little Shakespeare-thingy here in September. Because I'm a huge fan. We will have some early editions we'll loan from people on display here and all." I said.

That launched a conversation on if he could help us with it and Shakespeare in general. It was nice.

"Here." I told him as soon as I found the editions of the Prophet we had. He picked up one and leafed to the right part. He smiled the slightly absent smile of someone who reads something important to them.

"_And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself. But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires: To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To know the pain of too much tenderness. To be wounded by your own understanding of love;"_ he read in a quiet, almost dreaming tone.

"And to bleed willingly and joyfully." I added just as he was reading the words out loud. I knew those words by heart. They were my favorites too.

He looked at me and smiled a bit dazedly. "You know it too?" he asked, rhetorically of course and I just nodded.

"Wow." was all he managed to say and then Leah came whirling around the corner to ask me something trivial for a customer and broke the moment. I was glad, really.

I had to leave Edward with the books and go find something else for that customer and when I got back, he had settled on a copy he wanted.

"I think I'll have this one. I like the binding." he smiled and held out one bound in leather, even though the book itself wasn't that old.

"That is my favorite too." I smiled a bit and then he looked a bit hesitant all of a sudden.

"Jasper... I know... Hmm..." he had difficulty of finding words, "I understand if you don't want to, but could you consider letting me cook for you tonight? Or some other night?" he asked and looked down to our feet. It was cute but it also made my heart go on overdrive again. Gah...

"Tonight is too soon I think. I don't...want to ruin this. I don't want to cross my invisible boundaries without realising it. I don't want to drive you away." I spoke in a slightly passionate tone, I hoped he would understand for real.

"Okay." he smiled a bit. "Would you chat with me online for a moment then? This evening?" he asked and I saw he was thinking he was pushing it but couldn't quite help himself.

"Sure. That I can do without getting anxious." I grinned and then stepped closer to him and kissed his cheek.

I could tell he was surprised by the gesture but he raised his hand to my shoulder and looked at me.

"I really do like you. You don't have to think about me getting impatient with you if you want to take things slow. How ever slow that is." he said, raising his fingers to touch my cheek tenderly. "I mean... I think I might have been looking for you for a long time. I've found you. I have time to wait for you." he said and I could see it in his eyes, that he really meant it.

"Thank you, Edward. It's hard for me but I'll try... I'm just...broken. Maybe I'll tell you some things tonight." I smiled a bit and then leaned to kiss his lips gently.

It was one of those chaste kisses we seemed to like to share as much as the more wild and out of control ones.

Edward bought the book and we set a time for our online date. Then he was off and I went back to work with the phrase "to bleed willingly and joyfully" playing over and over in my mind.

That night I told him about Paul. I could feel the hatred and anger and sadness through the words he typed as response. He said he never wanted to meet Paul, that he might be unable to control himself if he did. I understood Edward. I never wanted to meet Paul either but because of a different reason. I told him I still felt so humiliated and so broken when ever I thought about the things he had told me.

I had wanted to hit Paul myself. For causing all that pain to me. But I never could because of the love that was consuming me with the other emotions he brought out of me when he left. I couldn't hurt someone I loved. Not physically nor mentally.

Part of me almost wished we would run in to Paul one time. That he would get what was coming for him. That he would meet someone who didn't have any feelings other than hatred and anger towards him.

At that point I didn't know I would eventually get my wish.

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**AN2:** If you haven't yet, go read Begin Again by C-Me-Smile. She conveys the emotions of her Edward and Jasper perfectly. I love the story and all the heartache. So if you're looking for angsty fluff (or fluffy angst) that is beautifully written and much more than well...those two words put together, go find it. There's a link in my profile for your convenience.

Also, in the next chapter there will be a bit of a jump in time just to speed things up a bit. Not too much though. The story isn't anywhere near done. More drama of different kinds is still ahead. Don't worry.


	9. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: Still not mine, I'm afraid.

AN: This was an interesting chapter to write because the boys kept doing things I didn't expect them to do. You'll see what those things were. So even though the drama is far from over, I am quite happy about the current situation.

So, here is chapter eight, where we finally get to meet Paul and which ends with mild taste of citrus...

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EPOV

After the day I met Rosalie the next two weeks flew by. In two weeks we chatted online every night. For hours. We spoke about everything and anything, from our pasts to our taste in music or food.

I told me about having been addicted to drugs at some point. I told him the approximate number of sex partners I had had, approximate because I didn't know the exact number. I told him I had myself tested every couple of months and that after him I hadn't been with anyone else.

I got to cook for him at his place twice. Both times in the latter week. The first week we just chatted online. When I cooked for him on Monday evening, I got to spend the night with him. He asked me to. I was so proud of him.

No, we didn't do anything but slept. Of course that was difficult but I could tell it was that for him too. It was his choice, if he wanted to wait, I would wait. I had promised him and I wanted to do this right.

It wasn't awkward in the morning, nor was it awkward the next evening when I cooked which was Thursday. I spent the night again and we slept, again. I was glad he was getting used to me being around him. It was all good, I felt happiness for the first time in my adult life.

When we spoke online, Jasper told me more about Paul. He had to take breaks when he felt overwhelmed by the memories. He told me how the guy had felt perfect for him. He told me the details about their break up and how the guy now had a family in the suburbs. He also told me, that he had seen Paul once after the break up. Paul had been drunk, they had accidentally bumped to each other one night and Paul had been...verbally abusive. Jasper couldn't go to work for a few days after that because he felt so anxious about going outside.

I took him for walks a few times too. Either I went to walk him home the long route after work or I'd meet him on the weekend and we'd go to a park where there were more people. I was walking with him, my hand in his. People who stared could stare all they wanted. I realised Jasper was drawing strength from me. I felt good about us.

I also felt good about the fact that I could do this. Maybe I wasn't doomed to my party boy persona after all?

Even though I wasn't about to introduce him to the scene, I knew clubs terrified him, I decided that he should at least walk past a gay club with me. Or go to the same vicinity. Just see other gay people. That would be just fine. I wasn't going to push him too much. What ever he was ready for.

You see as shallow as the world in general is, sometimes I find the gay community even more shallow. You would think that in a community of people who have difficulties in the society in general, being prejudiced against and so on, would tolerate different people among themselves a bit better. But no, if you aren't young and pretty...

Honestly, that's one of the reasons I find the scene so repulsive. So I am all they want, I am fit and I know my looks still work for me even though I'm getting old (trust me on this, in the scene the closer to 30 you get the worse you feel). Now I was dating someone who wasn't perfect and I knew how they'd look at him. How they'd look at me.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't care about how they looked at me, not at all. It wasn't something I really cared about. But Jasper, nobody had the rights to judge Jasper.

So that one Saturday night, the second week of our strange little dating thing, I took him for a walk. He was nervous as hell.

"Edward...you promise we can turn back as soon as I say so?" he asked, grasping my hand so tightly it almost hurt.

"Yes, Jasper, I promise. We don't have to go anywhere near a club if it feels too bad." I promised and he loosened his hold on my hand a bit.

We went to the closest club. Or towards it. It was one of the smaller places, less people in the front, a good place to start. But we didn't get there. Jasper became nervous long before the right block.

"Okay, let's go to the Park then, sit around for a moment and then go home?" I asked him and he nodded nervously.

See, the Park was close enough to the club that there were gay men around it at all times. Daytime they were sunbathing and posing, after dark...well, people went there to hook up. It had been targeted by cops a lot lately, so it wasn't as popular as usual anymore, but there were still people around there.

We walked to the park and sat on a bench that was near the entrance. Jasper relaxed gradually. We could actually hear the club in the distance. I held his hand and we sat in silence, just enjoying the night. When ever someone walked past us, whether it was one person or more, he held on to my hand a bit tighter.

After maybe ten minutes of sitting and people-watching we decided to go home. That meant his place as it was closer. We got up from the bench and took a few steps towards the gate. I looked ahead, noticed someone walking in to the park and Jasper was looking to his shoes as usual.

"Well well...who have we here?" I heard the malice in the tone and Jasper literally stopped mid-step and grabbed my hand even tighter than before. He froze and his face was a mask of horror.

The guy was shorter than me by a couple of inches, muscular and in the lamps of the park I could tell he wasn't a nice guy at all. He was a native, his hair was cut short and his face, although attractive, was somehow arrogant and there was a mean streak to his appearance I immediately found very unattractive. It was like the character shining through his exterior undermined all the beauty he might have possessed.

I knew I had seen him before.

And I knew, by the way Jasper was acting, who he was.

Paul.

"Evening, I take it that you're Paul." I said politely, keeping my cool for Jasper's sake.

"Yes, I am. And I can see that Jazzy here has found him a new daddy." the velvety tone he used made my skin crawl.

I could literally feel how panicky Jasper was. He was so tightly sprung that it scared me.

"Did you have anything real to say or just being your asshole self tonight?" I asked Paul and smiled a bit less politely this time.

"Oh, I bet you I can come up with something..." he purred and I had to circle my thumb on the back of Jasper's hand that was squeezing mine so hard I was sure my circulation would be cut off any second now.

"Well, does your wife know you are here? I mean you're not wearing your ring. So I take it's in the pocket of those 'fuck me'-jeans. That's where you usually keep it." I told Paul and he tried to hide the confused look on his face.

"See, Jasper, I happen to know that every Friday or Saturday night for for at least the last two years Paul has put on his bad boy image and left his lovely home in the suburbs gone to a gay club to cruise for some unlucky little twink. He removes his ring like every good husband and father does when he goes to a club to find younger boys to fuck. I've seen him there so I know how he operates." I spoke and I could tell Paul was getting angry.

Somehow Jasper was relaxing gradually. He was listening to me.

"Every time he goes to a club he finds someone to fuck. I know that too, because Paul has a reputation. It's different from mine though. I tend to treat my fucks well, he doesn't care. He does them in alleys or here in the park. He can't take them home and often when they take him to their homes, stuff goes missing. It's really funny..." I spoke and Jasper let go of my hand, this was the first time he looked up at Paul and I could see his eyes, they were slightly defiant.

"What ever..." Paul managed to say, "you and Freddy here can go audition to the new Elm Street movie for all I care..." he said and that was pretty much all he got to say before he was laying flat on his back on the path and I was above him, snarling the words at him:

"Don't you _ever_ speak of Jasper like that again. You don't speak to him, you don't go _anywhere near_ him ever again. Are we _clear_?"

I heard a gasp from behind me. I knew the sudden outburst scared Jasper. But it had to be done. I raised my fist and it connected with Paul's jaw before he could move at all. Close distance, downwards hit. He didn't have a chance. I could feel teeth moving away from the impact inside his mouth, the first punch that left him on the ground had already broken his nose.

I got up and he staggered to his feet also.

"You...you maniac! I'll go to the cops! I'll press charges!!" he yelled at me, spitting out teeth and blood.

"No, no you don't. If you do, you can be sure someone will go and tell your wife about your activities. If that's not a threat enough...well since this is a well known place for cruising for sex, I can always say you came on to me and grabbed me and I was just reacting by gut instinct." I said quite nonchalantly.

"Nobody will believe you!!" Paul tried but I turned to look at Jasper.

"Jasper here saw it all, didn't you honey?" I asked him.

Both me and Paul looked at him expectantly. This was it. His turn to get one on Paul.

He was quiet for a while. He was scared, I could tell. The situation was freaking him out but he wasn't running.

He cleared his throat and looked at me. I saw determination.

He turned his eyes at Paul.

"We were walking and Paul came out of nowhere. He tried to talk to us but we kept walking. So he grabbed your ass and you snapped." he said, his words was shaking but there was no hesitance in his tone.

Jasper was choosing to go against Paul. The first time ever, from what I had heard.

I could see the disbelief on Paul's ugly pretty face that was swelling. "Jazzy, babe...what are you...are you taking his side?"

I saw how Jasper shook a bit at the term of endearment Paul used. I took Jasper's hand in to mine and after a second he squeezed my fingers.

"Yes, I am. He's my boyfriend now. He cares about me more than you ever did. So you go back to your fake life and fake marriage and fake real love. Real love my ass, Paul. There's nothing real about you. Never come near me again. I swear I'll go tell Rachel myself." he snarled, Jasper snarled... It seemed so odd but I was so proud.

Paul was shaken and he was getting to the part where adrenalin was running out and pain got through. He grabbed his nose and shot a look at us before hurrying away.

I turned to look at Jasper. "I'm sorry, Jasper. I shouldn't have..." That was all I could get out before he was kissing me with such fierceness it literally took my breath away.

_Okay..._

I tried not to freak him out but I had waited for a while now... So I kissed him back with equal heat and then the whole thing and all the emotions connected to it rushed through me and I realised what he had said.

I pulled my head away from his kiss and looked at him.

"Jasper... You called me your boyfriend?" I asked him as we panted for air.

"Well..." he said and even in the lights of the park I could see he was blushing.

He took my hand and I winced.

"Oh shit, sorry, let me take a look!" he said and held my hand up by my wrist. "I think we need to go home and put some ice on it," he said and then looked at me, adding "boyfriend."

I think I grinned like a maniac for until we got to his building. Sam was sitting behind his desk again.

Things had changed between me and Sam. He was polite and nice though still a bit cautious. He made small talk now which was better than ignoring me.

Jasper was dragging me by my wrist and my knuckles were red and bruised and swollen already. Sam's eyes fixed on them and he looked first mad, then he took one glance at Jasper who was beaming but worried and just decided to look at us expectantly.

"We ran in to Paul." Jasper said.

Just the way he said the name. Effortlessly instead of the usual hesitance and nearly whispering tone, made me think that maybe he had gotten more out of this than I thought.

Sam noticed that too, but all he could say from his surprisement was: "What happened?" and then he looked back to my hand and grinned. "Edward hit him? Man, why wasn't I there to hit him..."

"Yes he did. Paul is less pretty now." I could see a little wicked glint in Jasper's eyes and Sam chuckled.

"Oh gosh...what did he...or no, don't tell me." he said but Jasper looked at me and I nodded.

"He just ran in to us and was his obnoxious self. Apparently Edward knows him from the scene. Did you know he goes around with his ring in his pocket, hooking up with younger guys? Like all the time." he asked Sam who pretty much gawked at us both and shook his head.

"Anyway, apparently that is true as he didn't try to say otherwise and he...insulted me and the next thing I know was that he was on his back and well... There might be a bit less teeth in his mouth and his nose did look quite bad too..." he grinned and no matter what put that grin on his face I was so happy it was there and I could tell so was Sam.

"Yeah we made a deal." I piped up. "Either he stays quiet and away from Jasper or we make sure Rachel gets to know about his habits and Jasper will go with me to the cops to tell them it was self defense. I mean we were just walking and Paul came and tried to hit on me and when we kept walking he grabbed my ass...what's a guy to do when he's grabbed like that?" I asked Sam completely innocently.

Sam burst out in laughter and Jasper did too. That sent Sam's eyes in to something resembling awe and happiness and since I knew how rare it was that Jasper still laughed, I wrapped my arm around him and squeezed him to my side.

I wasn't a violent person, but if two punches at an idiot made Jasper laugh like this...

"You need to look at that hand." Sam said when the laughter died down and Jasper seemed to remember why we were here.

"Yes, we do. Okay, we're going." he waved his hand at Sam and there was an air of...playfulness and something like peace about him. He was relaxed like something had fallen off him.

As Jasper pulled me towards the elevator I took a look at Sam who winked at me. I think I was officially accepted at that moment. I smirked at him and followed Jasper to the elevator.

When there, Jasper pushed the button and wrapped his arms around my neck and kissed me again. Less fiercely, knowing we really did need to look in to getting the hand to a better shape. It was funny how they never told you how much damage you did to yourself while punching someone else. It hurt like a bitch but boy was it worth it.

The kissing stopped when the elevator did and I could see there were no doubts in Jasper's mind now. There had been all this time, but he knew now that I was on his corner, I was here for him and I was honest with everything I had told him. It had just taken this last push to make him see it clearly enough to believe it.

We kicked out shoes off and he took his jacket off and then helped me off mine. I was wincing, a lot.

"Go sit on the stool, I'll get some ice." he told me and then went to do that and got me some painkillers too.

He placed a pack of ice on the hand after he had cleaned the little scrapes on it and I took the pills just to make him happy. I also knew that they really would help too. I just made sure they weren't anything too heavy and I know Jasper noticed that. "They're over the counter stuff. Not prescribed." he told me and I nodded.

I had told him I had tried it all. He understood. "I'm just trying to be careful. I don't want to risk the life I have now. With you." I said and he smiled a bit.

"I know, Edward. You wouldn't do that on purpose. Just like you told Rose." he said and smiled. When the hand was securely tucked under the ice pack he pulled me with him to sit on the couch.

He had made me move my fingers to see if they were 'intact' as he put it. I know enough to know they weren't broken so once the swelling would go down and the pain would go away I'd be okay.

Jasper made me sit on the couch and then moved to straddle my lap. I was sort of surprised. He wasn't usually quite this intimate with me, he always had a bit of a safety zone and he was cautious about his limits. So we had kissed and slept in his bed together and held hands but even in his sleep he was...timid. Careful.

"Edward... I need you to know... Nobody has ever stood up for me like that. Nobody I've...had feelings for." he said and looked down to his hands that were resting on my chest. "Thank you. For handling it like you did. I would have hit him myself I think...I wanted to...but when he speaks to me like that I just freeze and..." he said and his voice faltered a bit.

"Shh, Jasper...it's okay. He won't bother you again." I told him and raised my good hand to his cheek and made him look at me. "You are wonderful. You're perfect for me. I wish I can be that for you and that we can be happy. We've dealt with Paul now. I hope you can really heal now. I'm here for you and you should know that. I'm not going anywhere." I told him and smiled.

The flicker in his eyes was back. The mischievous one I loved even though I hadn't seen it more than a couple of times before. My hand with the ice was on the couch next to me and he used that to his advantage and began to unbutton my shirt.

"Jasper..." I gasped, surprised as hell about this progress. I could feel my cock twitch at this new sort of behavior.

"Shut up." he snapped lightly and shifted on my lap, grinding himself against me and made me gasp.

When I was about to speak again he looked at me sharply and then kissed me so that I couldn't really speak even if I had wanted to.

_Okay then..._

I got lost in the kissing again. It was so easy. I was falling in love with him or maybe I was in love with him already... When he kissed me with abandon like this, how could I not react to it?

He was rocking on my lap, kissing me with one hand on my chest and the other fisting my hair and I could feel that he was hard too.

When he whispered the words I wanted to hear in my ear I moaned.

"Edward...I want you...I _need_ you..."

I didn't care about who would do what. I was way past that. There was only trust and love between us now.

"Bed?" one word. It sounded husky and I know my eyes were dark forest green and I couldn't care less about my hand right now. I was so hard I was aching.

He got up and pulled me with him without looking back and when we were finally next to the bed he undressed us both because I was clutching my hand and keeping the ice on as long as possible, I knew the bag would be tossed soon enough...

When we were both naked and stood there, anticipating what would happen soon, he grinned at me and kissed my neck, biting in to the skin and marking me and I wondered where the hell did this possessive Jasper come from and how would I get him to stay with me forever.

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**AN:** This chapter is dedicated to the memory of Stephen Gately of Boyzone. Sleep tight.


	10. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer:** All I own are Paul's broken teeth and Jasper's scars and the love in Edward's eyes. S. Meyer owns the characters and all other things Twi.

**AN:** I'm posting this as my youngest cat is in labor. Two kittens have been born and there might be more to come. Wish the new mom some luck. :)

Chapter nine, where Paul gets what's coming to him (from Jasper's POV, but most of you want a replay anyway...) and love is being made.

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JPOV

I was falling in love. I know I couldn't have if he hadn't truly respected me and taken things as slow as I asked. I know everything served a purpose in this. The drunken night that brought us physically together showed me that he was serious. It also told me that we needed to slow down, so we did.

After he met Rose at Puzzle we just chatted online for a week. The next week though, I let him come over two evenings. He cooked for me and then spent the night, sleeping next to me and not touching me in any way without asking permission either with his words or his eyes first.

The second morning I woke up before him and looked at him, sleeping so peacefully next to me. I realised I wanted to see more of that. More of him waking up in my bed. I wanted him to be mine. The thought freaked me out enough to drive me to the shower and in to making breakfast for us before I left to work.

I didn't tell him that. It would have given him more hope, I know he was a romantic by now, everything about him telling me so but he hadn't realised it himself. He brought me something every time we met now. The first night he had picked up one small chocolate heart wrapped in red foil from the candy shop next to the grocery store on the way to cook for me. He saw nothing strange about that.

The second night he came in with one single sunflower he handed to me with a peck on my cheek and went to cook. I wanted to take him against the island right there and then. I knew he had a past and I knew it made a little difference because of the man he was proving to be.

I realised I had changed too. I wasn't so self conscious around him anymore. I wasn't that in the shop either. Rose and Leah had noticed. Rose commented often something on the lines of me smiling more and I saw her wipe her eyes one day when I joked with a customer and laughed out loud after.

I was changing. For the better. Because of Edward.

I was still holding back though. I wanted him physically, so much I ached because I could see that he wanted me. I knew I was hurting him but he was so patient...

I knew on some level it was still about Paul. Still about the fact that what ever I had done, how ever I had begged, he had left me. Because even when the malicious words fell from his mouth and poisoned me, I begged for him to stay. Love is blind. I know it now.

I needed to figure out a way to get rid of Paul once and for all and I tried to, but I was drawing blank. Until that night.

I was terrified of going there, anywhere near a club where all those perfect gay guys were browsing each other like they were online shopping for something they had to have but would forget the next day.

We agreed to go to the Park. Of course I knew about it, every gay guy in the city knew it. I had never been there but since it was remotely close to where I live, of course I had passed it. Sometimes I stood outside the gate on daytime on a sunny day, looking at the men sunbathing there and envied them, their smiles and partners and shirtless perfection. That would never be me.

That night though...

We sat on the bench for a while, just enjoying the sounds of the night and I was relaxing finally. It was good, the lights were dim enough for me not to feel like I was under a spotlight. I felt at ease outside of my own home or Puzzle and I was in awe.

Then we got up and I shuffled my feet a bit, wondering how I'd tell him I wanted him to stay the night, finally. In the sense he wanted to stay over.

"Well well...who have we here?"

I froze. I squeezed Edward's hand and looked at Paul. My worst nightmare, all the emotions I had in store, the remnants of love, the hatred...the insane fear of having my heart ripped in to pieces once again... I froze.

"Evening, I take it that you're Paul." I heard Edward say. His tone was polite, he knew exactly who the man in front of us was.

"Yes, I am. And I can see that Jazzy here has found him a new daddy." I hated that tone, the condescending, smooth little purr he used when he spoke to people he looked down on.

"Did you have anything real to say or just being your asshole self tonight?" Edward asked him in a tone that told me he was getting annoyed now because of the disrespect in Paul's tone.

"Oh, I bet you I can come up with something..." Paul purred and I was freaking out inside. If my feet weren't suddenly turned in to led I would have ran, with ot without Edward.

I felt him rub the back of my hand with his thumb very calmly. I remembered he was there for me now. I wasn't here alone, facing the man who had broken me worse than the car accident ever had.

"Well, does your wife know you are here? I mean you're not wearing your ring. So I take it's in the pocket of those 'fuck me'-jeans. That's where you usually keep it." Edward spoke and I lifted my gaze enough to see Paul look...doubtful.

Edward was on to something and I felt my anxiety lessen, I listened to his voice when he told me, and Paul, how he knew all about Paul and his secret ways.

I was shocked, but I was not surprised.

What, he even stole from these men? That was low. I could somehow get fucking them, but stealing? I know I stood straighter, I wasn't so afraid anymore.

"What ever...you and Freddy here can go audition to the new Elm Street movie for all I care..."Paul muttered in a last attempt to be malicious and suddenly Edward's hand wasn't in mine anymore.

The next thing I saw was Paul on his back, his nose turned in to a sickening angle and Edward on top of him, hissing at him .

"Don't you _ever_ speak of Jasper like that again. You don't speak to him, you don't go _anywhere near_ him ever again. Are we _clear_?" his words made me gasp. The words I had wanted to say. The words I had wanted someone to say for me when I couldn't.

Suddenly Edward punched him again, hard, I could tell he broke something and then both of them were up again, Edward returned closer to me.

"You...you maniac! I'll go to the cops! I'll press charges!!" Paul yelled at Edward, he was spitting blood everywhere, I bet there were teeth in the mess too.

"No, no you don't. If you do, you can be sure someone will go and tell your wife about your activities. If that's not a threat enough...well since this is a well known place for cruising for sex, I can always say you came on to me and grabbed me and I was just reacting by gut instinct." I couldn't believe Edward's tone!

"Nobody will believe you!!" Paul shrieked and Edward turned to look at me.

"Jasper here saw it all, didn't you honey?" he asked me.

Both of the men, my past and my future, someone I had loved once and someone I was falling in love with, looked at me expectantly. I needed to decide how I was going to live.

It was time to take matters to my own hands. It was time to be brave, and no, not from a distance but from right there, in the middle of the action.

"We were walking and Paul came out of nowhere. He tried to talk to us but we kept walking. So he grabbed your ass and you snapped." I said, I pushed myself to make it sound determined, even though I know my voice was searching itself after being shocked in to silence because all the violence, both physical and verbal, there in front of me.

"Jazzy, babe...what are you...are you taking his side?" Paul tried to plead. He used the name he called me back then, when the lie was still in action, when I still believed it. It did shake me a bit, how low he could fall to save his ass and get to Edward.

Edward who took my hand and reminded me what I needed to believe in now. I squeezed his fingers a bit.

"Yes, I am. He's my boyfriend now. He cares about me more than you ever did. So you go back to your fake life and fake marriage and fake real love. Real love my ass, Paul. There's nothing real about you. Never come near me again. I swear I'll go tell Rachel myself." I was so surprised at my own words, the strength behind them, the way I nearly snarled at him.

_I was doing this? I was standing up for myself??_

Paul couldn't believe it either. Suddenly he grabbed his nose and scurried away, I think the pain must have been kicking in. He deserved every bit...

"I'm sorry, Jasper. I shouldn't have..." Edward said and I snapped my gaze to him and then it all flooded over me. Whole of the last ten minutes. How he had stood up for me, hurt someone for me, because he wanted me, he wanted to be there for me and protect me and be...mine.

I grabbed him and kissed him with all the bent up emotions, the relief of finally letting go of the shadow of the failure that my relationship with Paul had been washing over me.

Suddenly Edward pulled his head back and looked baffled and excited and all kinds of goofy.

"Jasper... You called me your boyfriend?"

"Well..." I muttered, blushing deeply and I realised I had indeed used that word. I grabbed for his hand and he winced and made a sound of pain.

"Oh shit, sorry, let me take a look!" I gasped and looked at his knuckles.. "I think we need to go home and put some ice on it," I said and then, looking slightly mischievous I think, I had to add "boyfriend."

I swear his grin could have lit up half of the city.

I was feeling bubbly. Happy. Relieved. I couldn't remember when I last felt like that. It was odd.

In a good way.

We got in to my building and I couldn't help but babble with Sam, tell him what had happened because of course he could tell I was different, giddy even.

I saw the look in Sam's eyes. It was... I had never realised how much he loved me as a friend until that moment. He looked so happy, so...not-worried. Had I really been in that bad of a shape?

Yes, yes I had. And I was getting myself back, finally.

If I just could remember who I had been once...

I pulled Edward to the elevator and kissed him again, this time remembering his hand and taking things a bit more...slow. We needed to tend to his hand, after all.

When we got inside I got him painkillers and I saw the flash of hesitance in his eyes before I told him they were the usual kind, nothing prescribed. He was really trying, wasn't he? To not mess this up.

He hadn't been all too deep in the drugs, I knew he had shot up a few times before he had decided not to do that anymore. It wasn't something he was proud of but he wasn't trying to hide his addiction from me either. He didn't go to meetings, he said he got tired of being gawked at. I could understand his point. If someone looking like him, someone gorgeous in neat, partly designer clothing, would go to the meetings he would get gawked at by people and I knew how that felt. To be looked at, even though on the inside you were just as the others in the room. The outside was different and that was all they saw.

I made sure his hand was okay and then took him to the couch to sit down. We needed to talk some. I know I sabotaged myself by the way I sat on his lap and straddled him. So I wanted to be close to him now, I knew I wanted him and only him and I might just be ready to have him in every possible way.

"Edward... I need you to know... Nobody has ever stood up for me like that. Nobody I've...had feelings for." I couldn't bring myself to look at him as I said those words.

"Thank you. For handling it like you did. I would have hit him myself I think...I wanted to...but when he speaks to me like that I just freeze and..." now this is where my voice always betrays me. When I think how Paul makes...made..me feel.

"Shh, Jasper...it's okay. He won't bother you again." Edward said in a gentle tone and lifted my head so I was looking at him. "You are wonderful. You're perfect for me. I wish I can be that for you and that we can be happy. We've dealt with Paul now. I hope you can really heal now. I'm here for you and you should know that. I'm not going anywhere."

How did he know exactly what to say?

Suddenly I could feel heat flaring through me. I don't think I had ever become so turned on so quickly.

I began to unbutton his shirt and when he spoke my name like he was going to make sure I knew what I was doing I snapped at him to shut up. If he made me stop now I would not be able to do this and I needed to do it.

He was about to say something when I pretty much attacked him with a kiss that I could feel turning him on. Good.

I began to rock my hips, grinding my erection to his through our jeans and kept kissing him. I didn't need any objections and I'd make sure I'd get none.

When I was sure he was as much in to doing this than I was, I moved my lips next to his ear and whispered: "Edward...I want you...I _need_ you..."

The sound he made was slightly guttural before he managed to say that one word that meant something.

"Bed?"

I knew he had to hold on to his hand and the ice I had given him so I undressed us both and then looked at him with new eyes. There was no cover over my vision now, nothing reminded me of Paul. I wasn't afraid, I just knew I wanted and needed Edward. He was mine now and I was his.

I know I grinned and stepped to stand against his naked skin and kissed his neck before sucking in some skin and biting to it hard, making him gasp with surprisement and pleasure as I marked him. He was mine.

I lifted my head and I saw his eyes. They were so dark I think I became harder just by looking in to them. I knew mine were close to the color of his. I kissed him again, trying to make the kiss gentle but I knew it came across as needy and heated and I thought 'fuck it' and let got of my inhibitions.

I kissed my way down his body, biting him here and there and scraping my nails to his back and sides. I knelt on the floor before him and looked up at him through my lashes. He looked surprised and I knew I had been holding on to my past for too long.

I knew now that I had been close to losing him. He would never see it like that, but I knew somehow. He loved me, whether he knew it or not, and even love or especially love, doesn't make you wait forever. At some point frustration comes along and you realise you can't live like that.

I was so happy we had run in to Paul.

Slowly I raised my hands from behind his thighs to dig my blunt nails in to his perfect buttocks. He let out a hiss of anticipation but probably realised it would be better to stay quiet instead of speaking and the thought made me smirk.

My head moved ever so slowly towards his awaiting cock I could hear his breathing become ragged and shallow and when I finally moistened my lips to slide them along his shaft as a continuous open-mouth kiss, up and down his length, he gasped and moaned my name.

I teased him until his hips bucked against me and a frustrated moan escaped his lips. I looked up at him and then moved my mouth, keeping eye contact and slid my mouth over his erection, enclosing him with my mouth and I hummed around him as I let him hit the back of my throat. I had to relax my throat to do this, it had been a long time since I last did this but I seemed to still have the actions coded in to my system somehow.

"Jasper...oh...fuck..." the words dropped from his lips and after a few slow and deep bobbing motions I let go of him.

"Not like that." I told him and he frowned, trying to understand. "Get on the bed." I told him and he smirked at my slightly bossy tone.

He got on to the bed and propped some pillows against the headboard so he could lay comfortably before he tossed the ice bag to the nightstand.

I could tell he wasn't thinking about how we would go about this. I knew bottoming was something he didn't like to do before but with me it had been liberating somehow. I hadn't wanted to bottom because of the one whose name I wouldn't ever let in to my mind again now that I had gotten rid of him.

When I reached for the condom and the lube Edward kept his eyes on my face and spread his legs. His expression was priceless when I ripped the wrapped with my teeth and rolled the condom on him instead of myself.

"Jasper...?" he breathed and I just looked at him, determination shining from my eyes and nodded.

"I want to feel you this way. I want there to be a new memory replacing the old ones. And I want you Edward, in every possible sense of the word." I spoke quietly and he tugged me in to a fiery kiss that curled my toes.

I straddled his lap, rubbing myself against his erection gently before I moved enough to coat him with lube and put some on my entrance without really preparing myself that much. I didn't need that. I wanted the full experience. I wanted to feel all of him within me.

His eyes were fixed on mine as I positioned myself over him and guided him to my entrance. He hissed at the intensity of the feeling when his head slid in as I moved on my own terms, taking him as I was giving myself to him.

My eyes closed as I moved again. After a few excruciating moments of pleasure mixed with the intensity and slight discomfort I finally opened my eyes to look at him as he was in me to the hilt now. We were both panting, our eyes were dark and our smiles were somehow in awe.

He reached his good hand to encircle my cock with his fingers and I moaned loudly. My head lolled back and I heard Edward mumble _"So beautiful..."_ before I let my instincts take over.

I moved. I rocked myself on top of him slowly, in an almost agonizing pace that made him slide out of me almost completely until I moved down again, spreading my legs enough to be able to take him as deep as possible and still have some leverage for moving.

He stroked me as long as he could concentrate on it and then when he couldn't, I leaned forward to kiss him so that my cock was between us and there was some lovely friction. I was making love to him, I could tell he knew that by the way his hand moved on my back and how he looked at me when the kiss broke.

"I love you, Jasper." he said and a tear fell from the corner of his eye. I could tell he was telling the truth.

I kissed him, not quite ready to say the words but it made all the difference in the word to hear them said to me.

I felt secure, I felt loved.

I picked up the pace, leaning in to kiss him again and he whispered to me that he was going to come and I pressed myself against him a bit harder with the last few motions of my body. It sent him over the edge and as he spasmed under me and I felt his cock throbbing in me, I called out his name and my orgasm hit me like a tidal wave.

When we calmed down a bit he slid his hand in to my curls and made me look at him in the eyes. The look...his eyes were full of love and something so deep I could feel myself choke up.

I felt beautiful.

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**AN2:** Don't worry. The drama isn't over yet. There shall be more but I think they deserved some celebration after all they've been through so far.


	11. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer:** All things Twi belong to Ms. Meyer, the lyrics quoted here belong to their respective owners.

**AN:** Okay, it took me a while to sort through everything that was going to happen in this chapter. It took me a while but I managed. The rest will be in the next chapter that might continue things from EPOV for a while until switching to JPOV again.

So here, chapter 10, where my Jasward's theme song is revealed and Edward meets some people that are important to Jasper..and then some.

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EPOV

The morning after the Park I woke up with a slight throbbing in my hand. At first I didn't know what it was about. Then I felt someone's arm around me and somehow I thought I had fucked up. Jasper never slept this close to me so I had to have gone to a club to hook up with someone I didn't know and I was in bed with that guy and...

My eyes flew open and I looked around, in a startled, panicky way and saw all the familiar walls around me and my gaze followed the arm around me to the familiar body, the familiar blonde curls that covered most of the scars I now loved.

But how was Jasper sleeping like this? I realized even his leg was pressed against mine and I sort of waited for him to wake up and be startled. I lifted my hand and the pain shot through me and that was all I needed for last night's events to return to me.

Oh, right. The Park, Paul...all that. And the making love... I grinned at the thought. We had made love. He had taken me and given himself to me at the same time. There had been something so fundamentally Jasper about that it made me grin.

"What are you grinning about?" a sleepy voice inquired from beside me and I turned my head to look at the sleepy apple green of his eyes as he turned his head to look at me.

"Oh...just remembered last night..." I grinned even more widely.

"Oh...right..." his eyes sparkled.

"How about I'll go make coffee and we figure out breakfast together. I would but my hand is sort of sore." I said and winced as I lifted the said hand to show him.

"Sure. Take a painkiller, the bottle is in the bathroom, on the counter I think." he said and moved his hand just to stretch in a very delicious way.

I needed to get out of the bed before I...couldn't.

I got up and went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and relieve myself and found the painkillers and popped one. That would be enough.

The hand didn't look too bad but it was sore and it was difficult to use the hand without moving my fingers at all. I walked back to the bedroom to look for my jeans which were...somewhere.

I got them on with some struggle and I could tell Jasper was looking at me the whole time.

"If you don't stop that, I'll have to come back to bed..." I murmured without looking at him and heard him chuckle.

"Okay then..." he mumbled in mock disappointment and got out of the bed just to slap my ass while passing me and went to the bathroom himself.

I managed quite well with one and a half hands put the coffeemaker on. Then I spotted Jasper's iPod on the end table and docked it to have some music around the flat. I liked it in the morning. See, I'm not a news kind of a guy, I can get depressed over the state of the world later in the day.

I was looking in to the fridge and pondering what we should eat for breakfast when I heard Jasper come in to the room.

He was wearing black sweatpants and no shirt which was surprising. He was truly getting the hang of how to be himself and not afraid to show the scars, wasn't he? I smiled at him.

"What?" he asked, so oblivious to how he was or rather wasn't dressed that it made me chuckle.

"Nothing, just like to look at you with less clothes on, that's all." I smirked.

He smiled and was about to retort something as the song was changing. Jasper recognized it immediately.

"Oh my God...listen to this..." he suddenly said, a huge grin spreading to his lips as he turned the volume up.

I closed the fridge door to listen and pay attention. The song made me smile. I walked to him and wrapped my arms around his waist, placing my cheek on his shoulder and listened.

_I'm dying to catch my breath  
Oh, why don't I ever learn?  
I've lost all my trust _

_Though I've surely tried to turn it around_

_Can you still see the heart of me?  
All my agony fades away  
When you hold me in your embrace_

_Don't tear me down for all I need  
Make my heart a better place  
Give me something I can believe  
_

_Don't tear me down  
You've opened the door now  
Don't let it close..._

I pulled my head back a bit to kiss his lips gently. I licked his bottom lip and he opened his lips for me to deepen the kiss and turned his head to give me a better angle while his hands pulled me close and then I felt his fingers in my hair.

We kissed like that for a long time, until the end of the song. There was a huge amount of heat in the kiss but none of the urgency there could be. We were letting our feelings in to the kissing, gasping for air every now and then to be able to keep it going until the coffeemaker maded the familiar gurgling sound and we began to laugh a bit breathlessly, our lips swollen and red.

"Does fit." I just commented on the song and Jasper smirked.

"Yes, does." he said and walked around me to the fridge and began to make us omelettes while I poured us mugs of coffee and tried to mess with his cooking.

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A few weeks later we were in a routine. I was pretty much living at Jasper's place and I considered renting my flat to someone as it would make good money, giving that I still didn't have a job or any real plans.

Emmett had given me the option to come work for him because he would need help with his business and he said he could always find me some papers to push around or something, it did sound lovely, didn't it?

Yes, that was sarcasm.

So, I pretty much lived with Jasper and we were closing in on being a normal gay couple. Everyone complemented me and him, everyone that had known him before I came in to the picture kept patting my back (if male) or hugging me with tears in their eyes (if women).

I had briefly introduced him to my parents and Alice who liked him and he liked her back. My parents seemed to be very taken to him too, especially my mom. As soon as she figured out Jasper was "in the business" she pretty much grabbed him and ran and I didn't see them until an hour later when I had to go call them to come from her study to eat the dinner me and my dad had prepared...

I hadn't met Jasper's parents yet. That was what we would do this weekend.

You see, Jasper's parents had thrown an autumn party in their massive garden every year since the kids were born. At first it had been playdates for the kids and cocktails for the parents. Then gradually it had shifted to Rose and Jasper's friends coming over and now this year it would be with the parents on the sidelines.

I would also get to meet one of the most important people in Jasper's life, his grandma.

"Gran Whitlock is awesome. She's almost eighty now, sharper than you and me combined. She moves around a bit slowly but she has more wit and wisdom and humor than anyone I know." he beamed at me as we were driving to his parents' house.

This year would be a bit different. I had been let in to a secret, by Rose, that Paul being there for one year hadn't been a success. Jasper had been in love and Paul had been trying to not be a jerk but apparently it hadn't gone so well...

So this was when I would be measured by their parents and Gran.

I sighed and then took in a deep breath. Jasper was driving my Volvo and I was sitting on the passenger's seat and tried to keep calm.

"Edward, it's only going to be my friends, family and you and Em with the girls. It's going to be okay. They all will love you." he said and squeezed my knee reassuringly.

I hoped he was right.

The party was basically a nice autumn day in the garden, Sam was the one doing the barbequing, Rose and Emily, Sam's wife, would help Jasper's mom with the cooking that happened inside.

Emmett and Garrett were responsible for the beers. The two had met twice and instantly, somehow strangely, bonded. Both over being dad's and baseball vs. cricket-arguments.

Kate would of course be handling C.J. and I would be looking after Emmett's girls who were with him this weekend, Bella was somewhere out of town.

Suddenly I chuckled.

"What?" Jasper asked, looking at me briefly with a little grin on his lips before turning his eyes back to the road ahead of us.

"I realized...I've never done this before. I mean there's Sam and Emily, then there's Garrett and Kate, we have Emmett with the little ones and Rose too. And you and me. We're almost like...doing a couple's thing. Never done anything like it before. Now all we need to do is hook Rose and Emmett up..." I chuckled a bit.

"Well...that would be convenient, wouldn't it?" he said thoughtfully. "But never mention that to Rose. She'd rip your head off. Trust me. If there'll be something there, it needs to be on their terms. Rose is a bit...difficult." he sighed and this time it was me patting his knee.

"I know, I would never meddle. I hope they hit it off, I think they'd be good together. But Em never likes anyone who his girls don't like so she needs to impress Angie and Jessie first." I said and Jasper nodded.

"Will they like me?" he asked suddenly and it took me a while to realize he was asking about the girls.

"Why wouldn't they like you?" I was baffled by the question.

"Well...I'm like...scary looking and all that..." he mumbled and kept his eyes on the road but I could tell his jaw was tight.

"Jasper, they are kids. They'll get over the scars and they'll love you. You're a lovable person, that's all they'll care for and you already know Emmett loves you so his example shows the girls that you're great." I spoke in a sincere, patient and loving tone and it relaxed him.

Sometimes I forgot. How deep the scars really went in to his soul.

A few minutes later we drove up to a lovely, old and not too posh house. It just looked comfortable, like a home. Something my house had never been growing up. The Cullen house was a mansion. This was a home.

I noticed Jasper looking at me with a small smile on his lovely lips.

"What?" I prompted.

"I like how you look at my childhood home." was all he offered.

"Okay then..." I grinned and got out of the car.

I saw Emmett's car parked on the side of the street. Sam and Emily were there already as well. Rose had stayed the night because she had gotten Gran the night before from the house Gran shared with two friends of hers so none of them had to go to 'one of those places where they put you and wait you to wither away with the other old farts' like Jasper told me she had put it herself. She seemed like a character...

Okay...meet the parents, meet the grandma...I could do this, right?

Jasper grasped my hand and intertwined our fingers as we walked up the driveway and to the side of the house in to the garden. I could hear Jessie and Angie screaming and giggling and it made me smile.

The garden was huge, that's all I had time to notice before the girls saw us and ran to me, hugging my legs and squealing. Favorite uncle, anyone?

"Uncle Eddie!!" Jessie, the older squealed and I had to kneel before they'd knock me over.

"Okay...stop it now you little menaces...you're going to make me fall..." I muttered but I knew I was smiling ear to ear as I hugged them both to me.

Angela was three and a half and a bit timid but she was in love with me or so Bella said. Jessie was five and she was the one who always went head first in to things and there wasn't a shy bone in her body.

"Girls, I want you to meet someone. This is my boyfriend, Jasper." I told them and they both looked up and then up and then finally gasped and stared at Jasper's face. So he was a bit tall from their point of view.

Luckily Jasper realized he should kneel like I did so he was soon on our level. I could see Emmett inch closer from the corner of my eye.

"Pretty eyes..." I heard Angela say. That was a miracle on itself. She was the one who went behind my feet or Emmett's when a stranger approached and never spoke.

"I think so too." I said and she looked at me and then looked down and grinned a bit shyly.

"Why do you have those scars?" Jessie blurted out and reached her hand as if to touch the left side of Jasper's face.

I saw Jasper go a bit stiff but he needed to do this on his own so I just pulled Angela to stand against me and let Jessie sort it with Jasper.

"Well, you see Sam there," Jasper pointed at Sam in front of the grill.

Jessie looked over and nodded puzzledly.

"Once, when I was little, I went to play with the fire and whoosh!" he said in a tone that was like he was telling a huge secret.

I knew it had been a car accident but no details. So this was a lie, but I didn't mind. Jessie would have had too many questions if he had told the truth and she was too young to understand the situation anyway.

"Ohh..." she said, her eyes wide and Angela blinked too.

Jasper and Jessie looked at each other for a moment, there was an absolute silence in the garden and nobody moved. Then suddenly, after clearly deciding something in her mind, Jessie looked at Jasper, then to Angie and finally back to Jasper.

"It's okay, Uncle Jay. We still love you." and then she very promptly went and kissed Jasper's left cheep and Angie pulled herself away from me and tied her little hands around Jasper's neck and kissed his right cheek.

Then the girls let go of Jasper and ran back to the garden, staying away from the grill and I swear they had a lot more respect towards Sam now, he was the adult who was handling the fire.

I could see Jasper wiping some tears to his sleeve as he were getting up. Emmett approached us.

"You're officially in. You have a nickname." he told Jasper and to my surprise, hugged Jasper briefly.

"Uncle Eddie's boyfriend Uncle Jay." I nodded and we all laughed at that.

We went to talk with Sam and Emily who was coming to check how the barbequing was coming along.

Emmett was anxious for Garrett and Kate to get here so they could go get the beer from the local supermarket that wasn't far.

When Em was checking on the girls, Sam whispered to me and Jasper that he hadn't met Rosalie yet as Rose had been so busy inside with the cooking. She was helping Gran make her famous chocolate chip cookies.

Just like a clockwork, like she had known we were talking about her, Rosalie appeared on the back porch and looked...radiant. As always.

"Hey boys!" she called out to us and ran down the few stairs to hug us both. I saw Emmett's jaw drop and her girls stopped moving too for once.

And then Angela did her second surprising thing today. She ran up to us, sneaked between me and Jasper and looked at Rosalie.

Emmett was walking slowly towards us with Jessie's hand in his and they both seemed a bit shy suddenly. Two of the least shy people I knew...

Angie reached her little hand to tug at the apron around Rosalie and Rose looked down at the pretty little brunette who looked just like a miniature Bella.

"Yes, sweetie?" Rose asked in a lovely, kind tone I had never heard her use before.

"Are you a princess?" Angela breathed shyly and then Jessie was there.

"Silly Angie, she can't be a princess, she has no crown." Jessica said very promptly and looked at Rose who was leaning down. "Though she could be Cinderella..." she said thoughtfully and made every adult in the hearing distance chuckle, except Emmett who was still speechless.

"Well honey, I can tell you I'm not Cinderella, but my name is Rosalie. Do you girls like cookies?" she asked them in a conspiratory tone.

She earned enthusiastic nods but then Angie looked back at Emmett. "If daddy says it's okay." she said and Jessie looked bummed.

That's when Emmett got his words back and cleared his throat.

"Just one each before we eat." he said and Rosie told them they could go to the kitchen.

"Uncle Jay, can you come with us?" Jessie asked Jasper who looked delighted and grinned widely.

See, now he grinned. Before he wouldn't have because he would have thought he was scaring people away. When he was so glad and not hesitant at all, the girls didn't even pay attention to what he himself thought looked frightening, his grin.

"Of course, let me show you." Jasper said and each of the girls took one of his hands and he led them in to the house.

"Rose, this is my friend Emmett, the father of those two, the little one is Angela and the older is Jessica or Jessie." I said to Rose who turned her eyes properly to Emmett and I could see something in his eyes.

"Emmett, this is Jasper's sister Rosalie." I said to Emmett and he smiled a bit goofily at Rose.

I excused myself from the situation and winked at Sam when Em and Rose weren't looking and Sam looked terribly amused.

I walked in the back door and followed the sound of the little girls to the kitchen.

The scene was so lovely. An elderly lady was sitting on a high chair in front of the island, Gran Whitlock. The girls were perched on the edge of the island next to her and both were eating a cookie. Jasper was chatting to a woman who was clearly his mother, she was blonde and tall like her children were.

"Uncle Eddie, look!" Angie squealed and waved her half-eaten cookie when she spotted me in the doorway.

"That looks great, sweetie, just remember, only one like daddy told you." I reminded them both and they nodded vigorously.

"Mom, Gran, this is my Edward." Jasper said and now I had to make eye contact with both of the women.

Jasper's mom was attractive, her eyes were shiny blue and her smile was open and lovely and I had a feeling Jasper had told her not to embarrass me by the way she came to me and hugged me tightly but didn't go over the top with it. I appreciated that.

There was a cough and Jasper's mom told me "Call me Julia." before she went back to what ever she was chopping and Emily came to help her with it. Rose was still nowhere to be seen.

The one that coughed was the little old lady. Her eyes were vibrant green and in a way she was a bit intimidating.

"Come here, son." she told me and I couldn't have done anything else had I wanted to.

I walked to her and took a seat next to her and she grasped my hand in to her old, wrinkly hands and looked in to my eyes.

"Thank you, Edward. For everything you've done. I can see you truly love Jasper." she spoke, her eyes were full of warmth and love and, what was touching above all, trust. Trust that I'd be worth him.

Suddenly Emmett burst in to the kitchen.

"Edward, Garrett is here so we're off, watch the girls?" he asked and I nodded.

"Yes daddy, only one cookie." Jessie said in a sarcastic tone when Emmett was about to open his mouth. Everyone chuckled.

Emmett vanished and Rose entered the room.

"Daddy says she's a wise-butt." Angie informed us and made Jessie elbow her and there was some sisterly bickering until I grabbed Angie and 'Uncle Jay' took Jessie.

"Let's go meet C.J." Jasper said and the girls were immediately interested in who this C.J. was and when they heard he was a baby, they were even more ecstatic.

"We always ask mom when we get a baby brother but she just says it's daddy's turn to get us one. I don't know what she means, boys can't have babies..." Jessie muttered and I saw Rosalie's expression which seemed...a bit different again. It was like she was thinking hard and when we were passing her she smiled.

"Your momma means that your daddy needs a new girlfriend who he can have babies with." she explained and Jessie looked at her thoughtfully.

"Oh...okay. Thanks Rosie!" she said and we just shook our heads and walked out with the girls.

It struck me odd that Jessie didn't call her 'Aunt Rosie', just Rosie. But then again kids are weird.

Me and Jasper set up the long table to the garden and helped Rose set it. Kate was watching all of the three kids and every now and then Jasper gravitated towards his godson and picked him up to carry him around.

Emmett and Garrett were back soon with two coolers of beer and some soda for the girls and Kate. We were having a blast and even Gran was drinking beer in her seat at the end of the table. Jasper's dad was introduced to me and he seemed like a slightly darker version of Rose, his eyes were darker green than Jasper's but his smile was almost as charming as his son's was.

I was talking to Sam, Rose and Jasper near 'The BBQ' as Emmett had christened the grill, when Sam suddenly piped up.

"Oh hey, Rose and Jasper, I already cleared it with your folks but I wanted to ask you too, a friend of mine just got back to States from working abroad for years and I haven't seen him other than every Christmas briefly. I asked him to come by for dinner, I hope you don't mind?" he asked the siblings.

"No, not at all." Rose said and Jasper nodded: "Your friends are our friends, you know that already, Sam." he grinned and we returned in to the previous topic which was my flat and what I should do with it.

Jasper was called inside to carry something and Rose asked Sam more about this friend of his.

"Yes, he's been working abroad for years. Last three in Africa. He's a doctor, works for MFS." Sam said and Rose raised a brow.

"Médecins Sans Frontières" I said, "Doctors Without Borders."

Both of them looked at me funny.

"What, I'm a doctor's son. I should know." I smirked and Jasper passed us by with a large salad bowl in his hands.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"They're impressed I know french." I told him and he chuckled.

"Hey, speak of the devil." Sam nodded towards the side of the house. I had thought I heard a motorcycle, a big one. I got my confirmation when this native demi-god walked to the backyard.

He was wearing biker's boots, jeans and a leather jacket. His hair was cropped short, it wasn't obnoxiously spikey like Paul's had been but more like a bit untamed and fit the guy perfectly. Under his jacket there was a tank top which was white, making the skin color on his neck and face pop and showed that he was pretty damn muscular.

Normally I would have drooled, because he was _hot_.

"That's Jacob Black." Sam told me and Rose and at the name that drifted to Jasper's ears, he whirled around to look at the newcomer.

"Jake?!?" he pretty much squealed and I had never ever seen my Jasper react to anything like that.

A huge grin spread to his face, his eyes lit up like two green stars and he literally ran to the guy whose eyes were fixed on Jasper. Jacob was smiling too, his eyes were warm and surprised, and he caught Jasper when he pretty much jumped in to a hug that made his legs wrap around Jake's thighs. It was a pure expression of joy. A reunion of two people who clearly had some very strong bond. A strong bond that still hadn't made Jasper speak of him to me. I had no idea who this Jacob was.

My mouth hung open. I froze as I watched the love of my life bury his face in to the neck of this man.

"Oh shit..._that's Jake_??" Rose whispered and I turned to look at her.

"What the..." Sam said baffledly, "my friend Jacob is Jasper's Jake??" he asked and looked at the scene near the corner of the house.

"Could someone explain me, who the hell is Jake?" I asked in a tone that was calm. And you know what they say about calms and storms.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

**AN2: **So, the song featured up there somewhere is All I Need by Within Temptation. I think it fits them perfectly.

And yes, I'm a mean bitch, again, for leaving it to this. There shall be explanations in the next chapter. Anyone care to guess who Jake is to Jasper and why he hasn't been introduced or mentioned before? Or has he? Hmm... ;)


	12. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer:** All things Twi belong to Ms. Meyer

**AN:** So, I don't really know much about the things at the end of this chapter, so I'm sorry if there are factual errors and stuff. I tried to make it realistic but then again, this is fiction so deal with it.

Also, I don't know how long it will take for me to write the next chapter, I'll try to be quick about it. This one came out of my head in a hurry...don't know why but I ain't complaining and neither are you I assume? :)

This is Chapter 11, where we learn who Jacob is and where something even more dramatic happens.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

_My mouth hung open. I froze as I watched the love of my life bury his face in to the neck of this man. _

"_Oh shit..._that's Jake_??" Rose whispered and I turned to look at her._

"_What the..." Sam said baffledly, "my friend Jacob is Jasper's Jake??" he asked and looked at the scene near the corner of the house._

"_Could someone explain me, who the hell is Jake?" I asked in a tone that was calm. And you know what they say about calms and storms._

EPOV

I stood, frozen, watching from Jasper and this guy to Sam and Rose and back to Sam. I think it was Sam who realised I was close to snapping.

"Apparently he didn't tell you.. Okay, short version: we knew, me and Rose, that before Paul he met a guy randomly somehow, they were instantly attracted to each other and hooked up and he was Jasper's first lover. They were really head over heels but Jake had told Jasper that he had agreed on going abroad. He's five years older than Jasper. I know because I've known him since we were kids. But I never knew he was...Jake..." Sam looked surprised, guilty somehow.

"I'm sorry man, I wish I had known. I had no idea. Neither of them told me any details about the other. I just knew Jacob had met someone right before leaving the country and he was devastated, he refused to talk about it." Sam looked at me and made a gesture like he was going to touch my arm but thought otherwise.

"Edward, they're just happy to see each other. Jasper has you now. He wouldn't do anything stupid." Rose spoke to me in a quiet tone, trying to soothe me.

Suddenly there was a cough from the porch, I never know when Gran had moved there.

"Edward darlin' would you come here?" she told me. No, she didn't ask.

I tore my eyes away from the babbling Jasper who was still standing way too close to Jacob.

"Yes, Gran?" I asked and went to sit next to her, my back to the...the...scene. I felt stiff, like I couldn't relax at all.

"Calm down. I know a hotheaded man when I see one. My late husband was like you are. Jumping in to conclusions when he thought he was threatened." she said in a matter of fact wise old woman-tone.

I wanted to bolt but I didn't, she would have scolded me if I had tried.

"What am I supposed to think??" I said, hating the sound of desperation in my tone.

"You do what I do all day every day. You sit and wait." she said and looked at me. "I can already see you're not going to do that. You're not that kind of a man, are you? Just...when he comes to you and asks for a chance to explain, let him. Don't do anything stupid." she said and sighed.

"Thank you, Gran Whitlock." I just said, getting up from my seat and kissed her cheek.

I left through the house. The last thing I heard was Jasper's laughter. He was laughing out loud and I wasn't part of the reason and it was breaking my heart.

I had my car keys and I had had one beer so I was good to drive myself home. To my flat. I guess I wouldn't be renting it out after all.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

JPOV

It was a lovely day. I felt normal for a change, maybe first time after the accident when I was ten. I felt like anyone else...it was like a miracle. Of course I still looked different but that was something I was used to, the looks. I still avoided public places and made the chances of people staring as rare as possible so I was okay. Besides I had Edward who was every day showing me how much he loved me. How much he wanted me and how beautiful I was to him. It was all I needed.

The day of our annual autumn barbeque-party was sunny, the perfect day. I don't know how my dad always knew how to pick the right day.

Things went really well. I chose to lie once, to Emmett's girls because let's face it, they weren't ready to deal with what a car accident could do to someone. They didn't need to be afraid of cars, they needed to be afraid of the cooking spot where Sam was working and the fire there.

Luckily that seemed to satisfy the curiosity and they even kissed me, both of them. They also gave me a nickname, which made me officially part of the gang or so Edward and Em said. It was lovely. I hadn't felt so good in a long time.

Emmett and Rose met too, that was funny and I later heard that she was fighting the attraction but couldn't quite resist him, even though he was pretty much like 'a slobbering idiot' at first. He retorted that he couldn't help it as she was so 'fuck-hot'. He got a swat from saying that. But let's not get ahead of things, that happened weeks later.

My family loved Edward. How could they not. I had told Gran some things about him, how he had been and how he was now and she was just glad I had found him because she saw how good he was to me and for me and the other way around. She's the smartest person I know and wisest too. Who was I to argue with her?

Everything was fine, I got to hang with my godson and Em's daughters. I got to speak with everyone I loved and everyone was happy. Perfect day.

Then Sam mentioned asking a friend join us because he had been away from the country for a long time. Well first of all, I hadn't thought of Jake in a long, long time. I made no connection between him and Sam, there were a lot of native people around our city, so why would I assume Sam and Jake would know each other? I didn't.

When I heard Sam speak the name, Jacob Black, I felt something very strange.

Old emotions, nearly falling in love with him back then, the desire I had had for him, the way he had never even registered my scars but seen me for who I was... I mean at that point I was less damaged. It was pre-bastard -time.

I met Jake in the grocery store and he was just instantly attracted to me. Anyone could have seen it. There is something so completely open about Jake it still blows my mind. He can't lie or pretend. It's a blessing and a curse too. From the first moment he asked me out (all five minutes after we had laid eyes on each other) I knew he knew something I didn't.

He told me over dinner. He was to leave the country in two weeks. To go work abroad where people needed help the most. He was a doctor, fresh out of med school and he was someone who had gone there to help people. He was so fascinated about his field and so hopeful that he could go to where he was needed and try to make a difference.

"At least I can try." were his exact words.

Jake was a dreamer but also a realist. He was a strange combination of two things. An absolutely gorgeous man who was secure in himself, in what he wanted and in his body. The other part was a scared little boy going abroad like that, all alone and torn with doubts of not having a chance to see if we had a future together and the duty he felt he had in making the world a bit better.

I told him from the first night that I wouldn't hold him back. We tried to keep it casual but we were together for that two weeks. We were insanely attracted to each other and let's just say that we spoke little but spent most of our time together in the bedroom. That's all you need to form a picture of what we were to each other.

And then again no.

We didn't speak, not because we thought he had nothing in common, but because we knew we had more than plenty. Call it morbid but we didn't want to make the parting we were going to face too soon anyway any more difficult than it already was.

The day before he left, we promised each other we'd get a week long mourning period and then we'd go on and file each other away to the back of our minds and not let each other ruin what we might be able to have with someone else.

See, I could have been selfish and ask him to stay. I know he would have, for a while. Until he would have become restless and anxious and then he would have resented me. I was twenty, but I was an old soul. I knew how it would go.

So I let Jake leave.

Three weeks after he left I met Voldemort. (I know, bad pun, can't help it.)

When I turned around and saw him there, in my parents' garden... My first reaction was 'this can't be happening'. The second one was to squeal and run to him and hug him. I felt so happy.

The thing is, I instantly knew he was my Jake, but he was different too. He was gorgeous as ever, the world had changed him a bit on the outside, but he was different on the inside now too and I could tell it just by looking in to his eyes.

They were warm, milk chocolate brown. The sparkle was still there, but there was something resembling despair in the bottom and I knew the things he had been seeing and living for the past years had put them there. There was nothing I could do about that.

"Well, let's just say I didn't think I'd meet you here. Mr. Barbeque-man over there didn't know either, I see." he murmured as he nodded towards Sam.

"I hope he is better in preparing the food than he is in putting one plus one together... Otherwise we'll have to order pizza..." he chuckled and I laughed out loud.

Suddenly I saw Sam and Rose were looking at me a bit funny, Rose glanced at grandma who was on the porch and Gran looked at me...sadly? What the...??

"Sorry Jake, gotta go see what Gran is up to, be right back." I told him and he went to talk with Sam.

"What is it?" I asked Gran when I got to the porch.

"Don't you think you've forgotten something?" she asked me in that tone. _The tone._

I tried to think about something that would make sense but draw blank. I hadn't done anything?

"Think about it this way: A gorgeous man walks in to your yard, you run to him and glue yourself on to him and someone...say, your boyfriend has no idea who the man is." she said in a very dry tone and suddenly I panicked.

My eyes were darting everywhere.

"You're too late. He just practically ran through the house and left." she said and her tone was disappointed. In me.

"Oh my god...what have I done??" I gasped, I knew well what Edward was like. How little it would take to make him think I didn't want him. He was always skeptical, I could catch him looking at me in the 'I don't believe he wants me'-way. How do I know this? Because I keep looking at him the same way.

And I absolutely know, if he had done what I just did with Jake... I would... I can't even think about it. It hurts too much to think about him doing such thing. Yet I did it. To him.

I ran down the stairs to Sam and Rose and..Jake.

"Edward bolted, I need to find him. I...I can't..." I was beginning to lose it.

"Take my keys. Do you have your cell? I'll explain to Emmett." Rosalie told me and I kissed her cheek and I ran to her car, a nice truck she had had tuned to her liking.

I could hear, from behind my back, Sam explaining everything to Jake. About who Edward was and why I was panicking.

I drove to his place, I knew he wouldn't go to mine, but he wasn't there. The doorman of the building told me he hadn't seen Edward in two days. He had been at my place for the last two days.

Where the hell would I look next? He wouldn't go to his parents' house. Maybe Alice? Did he have a key? Alice wasn't at the party because she was on a mini-holiday with her friend somewhere.

I was pacing in front of the building where he lived. Suddenly my cellphone vibrated.

"Alice??" I asked, surprised because I had literally just been thinking about her.

"Jasper? Dad just called me, Edward's been in an accident." I could feel my knees giving in under me and the doorman who was still close caught me just in time.

"What happened? He was just with us..." I managed to say, trying to control my breathing.

"You get to tell me everything about what happened tomorrow when I get back. He wasn't looking, someone drove to his car head on at some crossroads. Not fast, it wasn't too bad... But you should probably go there to see for yourself."

I can't really remember how I got to the hospital and to the right floor. It was the familiar form of Carlisle that caught my eye and I rushed to him.

"Jasper, stop looking like you're having a heart attack, he's going to be fine." was the first thing he said to me.

I stopped in front of him and tried to catch my breath and he took me to the nearby waiting area and sat me down.

"How's...he...doing..." I wanted as I put my head between my knees to avoid hyperventilating.

"He has bruising and will be terribly sore for days but nothing is broken. The airbag just tried to kick his ass. He'll be okay." Carlisle assured as he petted me, stroking my back with his fingers in a soothing motion.

"Can...I go...see him?" I panted and his hand stopped moving.

"Jasper...he... He said he doesn't want to meet anyone." Carlisle sounded odd.

I turned to look at him.

"What? Why?" and as soon as I said it I knew why. Because of Jake. The same reason he was running away from me.

"Yeah, he didn't tell any specifics and I'd rather stay out of it all but he is upset. Give him time, he'll call you I'm sure. I'll take him to his flat when I get off tonight, he asked me to do so. I think he'll call you soon. I'll tell him you came by, okay?" he said in a tone that told me I couldn't even try to sneak in to Edward's room.

It wasn't something he wanted to happen so his father would keep me away. That's how the Cullens worked. I knew it. They were loyal to each other, especially now when Edward and Carlisle were closer than ever.

"Okay..." I said and got up, struggling to breathe and walked straight to the elevators and then out of the hospital.

I walked to Edward's flat, it took me fifteen minutes to get there, and then took Rose's car and drove to my flat to be able to be alone.

When I got in, it felt like all the paintings were mocking me, so I took them down. The nudes, the paintings I had loved until today, even if they had been a constant reminder of Jake they were part of the happiest time of my life.

Now, today, they represented something different. Something I had done. My mistake.

If I had just controlled myself. If I hadn't run to Jake and made it look so bad. I know what Sam or Rose or both had told Edward. They told him what they knew which was very little and frankly, all they could come up with was something really bad.

I took the paintings next to the door and then just walked, mechanically, to the bedroom and laid down, curling in to a fetal position. I couldn't cry. I went numb.

I don't know how much time went by before I heard keys in the lock. Rosalie and/or Sam. Both had keys.

"Jasper?" I could hear my sister. Then her shoes as she came straight to where I was and sat next to me.

"Jasper, sweetie..." she began to talk but I wasn't listening much.

She spent the night, sleeping next to me and holding me like she did when I was little and sick.

The next day, in the afternoon, my phone went off. Edward's ringtone. I had changed it to Invincible at some point. I bolted from the couch, nearly falling off it as I grasped the cell from the coffeetable.

"Edward?" I breathed in to the phone.

"Jasper..." he said and then cleared his throat. "I think we need to talk...and it's...not about him. Can I come over?" he asked.

"Sure...when ever you can." I said and he disconnected the call.

Something was up. If it wasn't about Jake, what could it be?

It took him fifteen minutes to get to my place which meant he probably walked.

He rang the doorbell and I went to open it. He looked awful.

There was light bruising on his face, but that wasn't what I was worried about. There was some desperation in his eyes.

He walked in, I didn't touch him. I was freaking out majorly by then. My Edward never looked like this. I closed the door and watched him go sit down.

"What's wrong?" I asked as I went to sit next to him on the couch.

"I asked dad to take all possible tests...as I hate being poked with needles and they were poking me anyway... STD tests again and all that... The thing is...I have had some joint pains, headaches and such... I've felt more tired than normal. Like a flu without having a flu and... I haven't told you because I tend to not take meds for such little things and you'd just be worried..." I listened to him talk and I had an ominous feeling about this somehow.

"So I told dad today and he confirmed that there's a possibility that I have Hepatitis C from the...the times I used drugs and shot up." his eyes darted to mine. "Now...it's a very small possibility but he took it seriously. It's more like checking that I don't have it rather than...checking that I do have it... It's really not likely but some of the symptoms match partially and it's really freaking me out and..." he was babbling now and I just moved to sit closer to him.

"Edward... Can we not think about the worst case scenarios? When do you get any test results?" I asked and inched closer.

"A few days. They're testing all sorts of other things and dad said he won't give me any results until they all are done." he sighed and I could tell he wanted me closer but something, and I knew what, was holding him back.

"Don't...bolt. I need to say this." I told him and he turned on his 'nothing can break me'-self I had seen a glimpse of once before when he told me about his past.

"He was the first person I almost fell in love with. We had two weeks together and we were both very different then. Then he left the country and Paul happened and... I'm not the same boy I was back then, he's not the same young doctor with the same optimistic ideals... I could see it in his eyes today." I spoke passionately, trying to be fast about it too, to make him stay put.

"Edward I don't love him. Even if I didn't have you I wouldn't risk anything because of him now. And if there wasn't you, I wouldn't even be considering having a relationship with anyone. You opened me up with your love and dedication to me. I was just glad to see him, he meant a lot to me for a short time five years ago, Edward. You're my everything now. I did wrong but I couldn't help it. Now that I feel things again they overwhelm me and I just...reacted..." I explained and explained and tried to make sense and then the words ran out.

"I love you. I would never risk what we have now. Not for anyone." I spoke and sneaked closer until I was sitting next to him.

He raised his eyes and I could see tears in them.

"Jasper I'm so afraid... What if I'm really sick and..." he said and I could tell that was the only thing on his mind. I wrapped my arms around him and held him to me when we cried together.

I knew he needed to meet Jake later. To see that there was nothing current between Jake and me, just past memories how ever good they were. But now he believed me, that I was being true to him, to us.

I had changed drastically. I was taking responsibility and I wasn't afraid. I was in love. With my Edward and nobody else. What ever would happen we would be there, together.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

The next few days were spent in silence. We'd order pizza or something else that didn't need cooking. Then we'd just mostly wait. Spend time. We weren't having sex but we cuddled a lot. We spoke of things but never past, future or Edward's possible test results.

I went online to do research on Hepatitis C. It seemed unlikely he had it, but some of his symptoms truly fit. I read in horror with the chance of getting liver failure, liver cancer, cirrhosis... People lived with it, yes, but they also died to it. If not now, then eventually.

I knew why Edward was freaking out and I knew that if he'd have it, he'd try to get rid of me to suffer in silence. He wouldn't want to put me through the agony of waiting the rest of our lives for him to get sick and then sicker and then die before his time to something he had inflicted on himself.

There was no cure. If he'd have it, he'd have it forever. With all that came with it too. For better and for worse. I knew he would try to find an excuse. To not make me deal with it too. I so didn't want to have that conversation...

I felt sick to my stomach for three days. But I was there for Edward all that time, holding him close and telling him lies about how everything was surely going to be okay.

When Edward's cell began to play Knight Rider theme on the morning of the third day he froze and I had to take it from his hand.

"Carlisle?" I answered it. "It's Jasper."

"Hello Jasper." he said and I could tell the news weren't good. "You need to call a cab. Pack some things for Edward and bring him to the hospital. He'll have to stay for a while, I'll tell you the rest once you get here." he said in his doctor-tone.

"Is he going to be okay?" that was what I was the most worried about.

"Just get here as soon as possible and we'll discuss everything." he said and I put the phone down.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

**AN2:** Sorry about another cliffhanger. I know...and I am. Again. ;)


	13. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer:** I'm not Stephenie Meyer. Though I like to take her chars and make them my puppets. I own my own words and that's about it.

**AN: **Okay, so, you had to wait a bit for this chapter and it is a bit different. Some things are skipped over and some are hinted at. It's not very specific in terms of things happening but it doesn't really end in a cliffy this time either so there.

I've been busy with real life and some roleplaying stuff and oh that thing called studying... Don't forget to check out my recommendations in the AN2 that you can find at the bottom of this page.

This here is Chapter 12, where we finally find out what's wrong with Edward and where another sort-of-a-party is held.

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EPOV

I won't go in to details with what happened after I left Jasper's parents' house that day. It wasn't the best moments in my life...not by a stretch. But it was nothing like the next couple of days were... I knew I was running a bit of a fever when I got to Jasper's. See, I had this lovely quality in my physique, my temperature was quite low. This meant that when I was running a fever, like a real one, not a little one, I would feel only slightly hot to the touch. I could fake being less sick than I really was for Jasper's sake.

Stupid. I know that now. But I was sick and I knew it, it was only the matter of what was wrong with me now...

That phone call from my dad. I froze when Jasper answered. He seemed so serious, so...trying-to-hold-himself-together.

"Is he going to be okay?" he asked, his voice barely a whisper, and I heard my father tell him something which made him frown. He said his goodbyes and then called a cab.

"What, Jasper?" I looked at him, still sort of numb for the outcome of the testing, the phonecall, the expression Jasper had.

"Edward, he told us to get there right away, looks like you have to stay for a while or something. But he didn't say what it was." he frowned before he flung his arms around my neck and hugged me to himself. I hugged him back, tightly, like I never wanted to let go.

Too soon we had to. We gathered some things and Sam called us from the front desk that the cab was there. He shot us questioning looks and Jasper promised to fill him in later. All Sam and the others knew was that I was feeling under the weather, which wasn't a blatant lie now was it?

We got to the hospital and one of the nurses I knew, Julia, was waiting for us in the reception.

"Edward, come with me, we'll go straight to his office first." she said and looked...well not too worried I suppose.

"Uh..okay..." I managed and grasped Jasper's hand to tug him with me. Julia smiled a bit, I knew she knew my reputation, in fact a few times it had been her taking my blood for my tests... So she knew I was with someone and that was as big of a miracle for her as it was for me.

We rode the elevator to the fifth floor and walked endlessly to get to my dad's corner office. It was one of those 'look I'm a fancy doctor'-offices with big windows and all that.

"I'll leave you to it, beep me when you need me Dr. Cullen." she smiled to dad who nodded.

As soon as Julia shut the door behind herself, dad walked promptly to us and placed his hand to my forehead.

"What the hell, Edward??" he asked me, in a tone I rarely heard him use.

Jasper let go of my hand, instinctively getting further away from someone sounding aggressive. I shot a look at dad who seemed to realize what he had done.

"Sorry, Jasper, didn't mean to... But my idiot of a son is running a fever. Did he ever tell you he has a lower temperature than normal people? I thought not... So when he feels a bit warm, he's actually on the higher scale..." he sighed and I could feel Jasper's eyes drilling to me.

"I'm sorry Jasper..." I managed and glanced at him from the corner of my eye. He looked shocked, hurt somehow.

"Sit down, boys." my dad said before we could get in to exchanging words as my mother called such situation.

We did as we were told, taking our seats in front of his desk and Carlisle went to the other side to sit on his chair. He leafed through my file, which wasn't quite as thick as one might imagine.

"Oh for fuck's sake dad, spit it up!" I snapped at him after a ten second silence.

Jasper looked like he agreed with me on that.

"The good news is that it isn't Hep C." he said and I could see Jasper slump down in his chair with relief.

"Okay...the bad news?" I asked, hoping for something less long-term and more easily curable.

"I don't know how you haven't had worse symptoms, the fever is a first sign but of course you stupir arse ignored it as per usual and Jasper couldn't spot anything either..." he muttered, shooting a sharp glance at me.

"Spit it!" Jasper snapped and both of us pretty much turned to look at him, shocked at how he was reacting.

"Sorry... It's H1N1. We need to get you on the meds and make sure Jasper or any of your friends don't have it. I'll keep you overnight and Julia has agreed to take blood from all your friends who want to be tested just in case. But we need to warn them too, so if they get sick they'll get treatment right away, especially Emmett's girls and didn't your friend have a new baby also?" he spoke and then looked at Jasper who nodded.

"Okay...so fever, joint pains, headache, dizziness, fatigue...how did I miss it?" I asked Carlisle but it was Jasper who answered.

"Because you're a bloody idiot. He'll be okay though?" he turned to look at Carlisle who nodded.

"Edward should be fine after we get the meds in to him just in case. People overreact mostly, when it comes to the swine flu. For a healthy man like Edward it shouldn't be too bad but it's been going on for a while now, apparently, " and he shot me another look, "most people just get like high fever and some flu symptoms and get rid of it by resting. I don't want to take any chances though." he said and Jasper nodded.

The day progressed by me being admitted and put on IV and getting some kick-ass meds and liquids and all that shit I hated because I needed to lay still and needles made me sick these days for some weird reason...

Jasper went home after I told him to do so. Julia had drawn his blood but we thought he was clean because he hadn't shown any symptoms at all. He made the calls to our friends and they all seemed okay, but the children were put on supervision and I hoped to God they would be okay.

I didn't even know where I had gotten mine, but dad said it was pretty common. Maybe from the grocery store or just pretty much anyone who I rode the elevator with somewhere. It was easy to get if you were unlucky, with a bit of luck you avoided it completely.

Carlisle did his all to make sure I was fine before releasing me the next day with some more meds and instructions for Jasper to what was a normal temperature for me which he was to keep an eye on. Yeah...great. I felt like I was scolded like a little kid but then again I had deserved this fate, hadn't I?

When I got home, I realized we had to discuss something. So once we had cooked together and were eating our dinner, I was pondering where to begin.

"Oh come on, we have to speak about him at some point." Jasper finally said and rolled his eyes at me.

"Yeah... I noticed you took the paintings from the walls...Jake is the friend who painted them?" I asked before spearing some salad to my fork.

"Yes. He's a good painter but I don't want the paintings reminding either of us of...well..." he waved his fork and sighed before taking a sip of his water.

"It's just... I had no idea who he was. I felt so damn hurt and betrayed...when we met you didn't even like to look at people in the eye and then suddenly there's this guy who you throw yourself at and..." my voice became more quiet by the word because I knew how I sounded. Pathetic, jealous. You name it.

"I know I did wrong. I shouldn't have...but...he meant so much to me and I was so overjoyed to see him, like I told you before. I just didn't think and... I'm with you now, Edward. I love you. Not him...I never got to that point with him and right now...he's someone different and so am I." he said and ate a bit, lifting his finger so I wouldn't interrupt.

"When I met him, I was damaged but not broken. After Paul I was both. Then you came along and helped me fix myself, while Jake was elsewhere, doing his thing and saving the world. He's different now. Less optimistic, more mature and somehow...I don't know. He's gorgeous, even you can tell that, but it isn't enough for me to have someone gorgeous who accepts me as I am. See, in you I have that and so much more. You're someone I can see spending my whole life with, Edward. Not anyone else, no matter the history, because it's just that...history." he spoke with such conviction it brought tears to my eyes.

"Now let's eat before this gets cold." he said and grinned towards his plate and didn't mention my tears, thank gods for that.

"I love you too." I told him after a while of being silent and concentrating on eating.

"I know honey, but if you pull any of that hiding you're sick-crap on me again, I'll dump you. I can't take any more of those. Trust me." he said in a tone that indicated he wasn't kidding, at all.

"I won't, I promise. It was stupid and now I know not to do it again. If you promise not to jump on strangers' arms?" I smirked and he threw a pea at me with a grin.

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When I got better and nobody else had gotten sick, we decided to have a family dinner. Of course we had to have it in a restaurant, because we didn't want to cook and frankly we needed to have a bigger table for all of our family...

Both myself and Jasper were dressed quite smartly, dress pants and shirts, Jasper in some lovely shade of green whereas mine was charcoal grey. Both of our pants were black. We looked very handsome even if I say so myself.

We had reserved a private cabinet from one of my favorite restaurants. I was amazed that not once did Jasper seem anxious about going there. His self esteem had risen in leaps and bounds. He didn't care if people stared. It was because he felt loved, he had all he needed, everyone else could just go to hell for all he cared, or so he said.

We were there first, hand in hand, looking out of the lovely scenic windows the cabinet had and we just enjoyed the slowly darkening night. It wasn't too late yet as we wanted the kids to be there too. Not their bedtime yet. Speaking of which...

"Uncle Eddie! Uncle Jay!" Jessie screamed from the cabinet door and before we had time to turn around, both her and Angie bumped in to our legs and we had to pick them up, one each, as they affectionately hugged us and kissed us and giggled like little madwomen.

"Well hello little ladies...don't you look wonderful tonight!" I nearly cooed at them which made Jasper look terribly amused.

"I got a new dress because I'm a big girl now!" Jessie told me and Angie looked a bit pouty.

"What is it Angie?" Jasper asked her a bit worriedly.

Angie whispered something to him and Jessie grinned.

"I got a new dress and she got my old one!" Jessie giggled delightedly, little minx.

"But who did your hair?" I asked, because the hell would Emmett with his sausage-fingers be able to do something like that, they both had ribbons in their hair in some very lovely braids.

"Our Rose did." Angie said and I shot a look at Jasper who looked just as surprised as I did. Clearly we had missed something.

Emmett coughed a bit and when we looked at him he blushed. Emmett McCarty blushed. Oh wow...

"Yeah, she's been helping out with the girls. Bella had to leave for another conference somewhere in Florida so the girls have been with me and well Rose liked them so..." he was explaining now, filling the time so we couldn't grill him about it. Damn.

We put the girls down and they went to look at the view, pressing their little noses on the glass.

"Hello boys!" Alice chimed from the doorway and looked like her usual, perky little self.

"Hi sis, how are you?" I asked and kissed her cheek politely.

"Better now that you two are okay." she said, pretty much glaring at me playfully.

"Oh give it a rest already, Ali, we both were inconsiderate jerks..." Jasper muttered to her and gave her a hug.

After that Sam and Emily walked in and right after them Garrett, Kate and C.J. whom Jasper was completely in love with, which was good as the little boy was his godson after all.

Rose was the last one to arrive and Emmett's girls rushed to her so fast Jessie tripped over her own feet and giggled madly before getting up and running the rest of the way. I could tell there was more going on already between Em and Rose when I saw how Emmett looked at her. Jasper whispered to me that her sister was glowing when she looked at any of the McCarty-trio, like we called them.

Leah appeared a bit late, she had been stuck in traffic somewhere and everyone greeted her enthusiastically. She seemed almost shy for once, probably because everyone else was a bit older than she was and she was having dinner with both of her bosses. Well, luckily Emily and Leah were from somehow related as they found out and they kept each other occupied most of the evening by chatting in one corner of the long table.

The only one who wasn't there was Jake. Nobody missed him either, really. Nobody mentioned him other than Sam in as a side-note, when he told us that Jake would be leaving back to Africa in a month or two. I can't say I didn't feel like an ass when I felt relieved over that... But I did. I can admit that...

Everyone ate a lot, everyone complained about eating too much and everyone ordered dessert... The usual thing, really. At some point I realized C.J. was on Jasper's arm, sleeping in the way only little babies can, peacefully and with no care in the world. Jasper looked at me through his long lashes and flashed me a smile. He looked so damn happy with the baby it felt impossible.

The conversation was flowing from topic to another and then some. Everyone was having a lot of fun. I chatted with Garrett about how my dad was still beaming over the book he had sold me and how my mom had told me to thank Garrett for having such a book so me and Jasper had ended up together. I found out that Kate was a huge fan of my mom's work just like Jasper was and I told them I should probably hook them up because Kate did some gardening, herbs and stuff, and my mom would love that.

Sam apologized me for what had happened with Jacob when nobody else was paying attention to us. I told him it was okay, he couldn't have known. It was in no way his fault.

"Besides you might have saved my life in a way, had I not stormed out and gotten in to that accident and then decided to have all the tests done I might have gone from bad to worse with the flu and..." I shrugged and he patted my back.

"If you say so, Edward. I just hope you and Jasper can be truly happy now. Without any interruptions I mean." he said and I nodded.

"You have no idea how much I want that too..." I sighed and he chuckled.

Little did I know how much all our lives would change in the future. Things would happen to all of us that would change us and how we saw the world. Not all of it was good, though I have to say that eventually me and Jasper, we got the life we both had always wanted. But at that dinner, everything was still in the old way.

In the coming weeks we got to a routine. Jasper was setting up the Shakespeare-exhibition and I was doing stuff for them at the store. I managed to get my mom to agree to a rare thing, which was to come and read an excerpt of her latest novel at the store on the birthday-party of Puzzle.

Rose and Emmett grew closer together really fast, they seemed so perfect for each other it was sickening. When Bella got home from Florida, even she fell for Rose and was so supporting on Rose's relationship with Angie and Jessie it seemed impossible. Luckily with Bella Swan, everything is possible.

I finally rented my flat to some young lawyer called Eliza. She was an awesome person, really professional and she paid a few months rent as a security deposit which allowed to get my Volvo fixed, it had been a bit of a mess after my accident.

Jasper left for work every morning and I would follow him at lunchtime to see the girls got something to eat and then I took Jasper somewhere for his lunch and usually some making out in a remote spot or in my car somewhere. We were like teenagers sneaking behind Rose's back at the bookstore. She made a habit of coughing loudly before coming upstairs if we were there together which amused us greatly. We weren't at it all the time after all.

Jake's paintings found their way back on the walls, they were awesome and I liked them. It didn't bother me at all to have them around like that. Gradually we began to talk about what I should do with my life. Jasper told me that as long as I could pay my part of the expenses, he would be fine with it. I could do that now that I had Eliza renting my flat in a price she hadn't even flinched at, mainly because her job paid well.

I wanted to do something though, but I wasn't going to worry about that, I always believed that something would come along. Like my grandpa Masen's motto had been 'everything will work out eventually'. Once Jasper told me that I should have someone make those cross-stitching things, you know, the Home sweet home-ones, with that motto and hang it on a wall somewhere. Right. Smart-ass.

I was right though, everything was to handle itself. Eventually things happened that changed us and made us both extremely busy at first.

We were really like some newlyweds still. When ever Jasper was late from work, Rose would comment something about the shower having taken a long time that morning. That was true, if I was awake when he woke up I tended to follow him in to the shower and have my way with him, not that he was objecting at all...

One evening I had pretty much passed out on the couch, watching some sitcom while waiting for Jasper to get home so we could decide what we'd have for dinner. I woke up when he pounced me, landing half way on top of me and took a bite of my neck which made me squeak and him laugh...

"Thanks love...laugh at the poor boyfriend, won't you..." I muttered and rubbed my eyes as he began to nip my neck a bit more gently.

"You know, I've been thinking..." he said and moved his weight on me so that he was laying next to me, our feet entangled and his arm around me.

I gasped mockingly and he swatted me.

"Shut up and listen or I won't tell you." he grinned and I rolled my eyes, he knew I was really bad at not getting things told to me if someone implied on having something to tell...you know how it goes.

"Okay.." I whispered and it was his turn to roll his eyes.

"So, I'm taking a week off after a while. I was thinking maybe we should go on a holiday somewhere? Like somewhere warm and private and lovely." he said and grinned.

"That doesn't sound bad at all..." I replied and was actually a bit surprised he was suggesting this.

It would all involve meeting people, being seen and looked at, but he didn't seem worried at all. I still sort of waited for something to happen that would send him back to being the insecure Jasper who liked to hide. Of course I hoped that would never happen again but I was cautious still somehow.

We spent some quality time making out on the couch and then decided to just order a pizza. We were both too lazy to go anywhere so we just pretty much hung out and stuffed ourselves with the pizza and a few beers and just...cuddled.

"You know, had someone told me two years ago that one day I'd have a boyfriend and I'd be the happiest I've ever been after a couple of beers at home with him and just cuddling while watching tv, I would have never believed them..." I said suddenly and Jasper turned his head upwards to look at me. We were sitting with mashed together with our feet propped on the coffee table and my arm was around his shoulders.

"Really? That's nice in a way. To hear that you're happy now. Sometimes I'm wondering if you miss the life you had before you walked in to Puzzle." he said and looked at me inquisitively.

"That so called life? Never... I mean fucking around, partying... For what? To feel good for a few hours and then feel empty the rest of the time... No." I said and then I grinned at him.

"What?" he asked, looking puzzled.

I leaned away from him and put my can of beer to the table where my feet had been. I got up just to turn back and straddle Jasper's lap.

"Ohh..." he grinned.

"See...I love you, and I just realized I want to show you how much..." I said and pressed myself flush against him and attacked his neck. Tonight would be all about Jasper...

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**AN2: **I think the next chapter will be very...lemoney... hmm. Things are also kicked in to gear in that one in many ways but sadly you'll have to wait until it's done. I know I've spoiled you brats with how often I've updated this story so this time I'm giving you a heads-up. I'm going to get the next chapter out in a week's time, promise. The next chapter should be longer and more detailed, whereas this is something more of a kicking-the-plot-forward-kinda of a chapter.

Would you guys like to see what Edward doesn't want to see as an outtake btw? If you want angsty stuff, there would be a lot of that in it I think. I might be able to get the story out of him if you want it...

**Recommendations-time:**

I completely fell in love with Mimi's Weekly Roundup (If you don't know what **Fornification Station** is, you should find out...) which was this awesome story called Legacy. Now, this is something I really enjoyed. If you like humor, suspense, enigmas...it has them all. It reads like a book, which I found fantastic and the writing is really good. Also, it's canon-pairings and has very little sex in it but I still enjoyed it and that says a lot (of the story and of me...). So go check out **Legacy by AutumnDreamer**. It's awesomeness and it's a LONG story, so it won't just run out and there's even more to come. Yay!

Then for the ones that can afford to give from what you have, this was posted in numerous blogs around the fandom, so check it out, it's for a good cause. It's for the kids ya'll. **www[dot]thefandomgivesback[dot]**


	14. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer:** Still not S.M. My words are mine though. The song lyrics I occasionally drop in to these things also belong to their respective owners.

**Author's Note:** First of all, if you like this or any of my other stories, consider donating for a good cause and getting a custom-made story just for you from yours truly. Check out the link on my profile to see what it's all about or find Twilight Fandom Gives Back Author's Auction for Alex' Lemonade Stand online.

This is Chapter 13, where there's a lot of love in the air and this story ends.

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JPOV

I had been thinking about getting away from all the chaos ever since Edward had gotten home from the hospital. With things happening so rapidly, I needed a time out.

I didn't know where we'd go, not yet, but I wanted it to be somewhere warm, secluded and sunny. Somewhere where I could be just myself. I wanted that, to be able to be me and to be with Edward, without any interruptions.

I had been wracking my brain and then I got it! Esme would no doubt have some ideas and contacts I could never have. I made a mental note to contact her after I had talked with Edward about it. I was certain he'd love the idea but I didn't want to do anything behind his back.

Our life was good, together. Our routines were forming nicely and it was great to just come home to him or to have him take me to lunch and make out upstairs before I really had to work again. The little things he did for me showed me how much he truly loved me more than any big gestures or words could have.

One thing he did every morning he woke up before me, was to go brush his teeth and then put the toothpaste on my toothbrush so all I needed was to take the brush and begin brushing my teeth when I woke up. It's a small detail, really, but it was something heartwarming and cute to me.

If I woke up first, to go to work, I often set up the coffeemaker for him or set the morning paper in to sections in the order I knew he'd like to read it.

When I got home he usually had dinner ready or at least some plans for it or he had just called for takeaway from some place we both loved. He would give me a massage without me having to ask for one. If he noticed I was more tired than usual, he came up with a way to get me to rest for a while. Little things that meant the world.

He did help around the shop too, doing the things Leah couldn't. He also taught Leah a lot about books, what people who liked say Joyce might like or how some things related to each other or what were the most common things she could offer for someone who was looking for say, book about human anatomy or art or what ever.

Edward was shaking the party boy persona. Once and for all. He was becoming the man his parents wanted him to be, someone responsible and more controlled instead of just saying 'fuck it' and doing what ever he pleased when ever he pleased.

Funny thing was, he wasn't really trying. It was coming naturally to him. When I told her so, he told me it was all about me. That I had made that change in him, by showing he needed to work for me, for us. It made sense and I was honored and sort of slightly uncomfortable with the idea too. But his parents thanked me, over and over again. So it was good I suppose.

The night when I proposed my idea of a holiday to him, we talked a bit. We often spoke about things of the present day but rarely about the future and almost never about the past. I think we were hoping to get to a situation where it wouldn't affect us anymore, what ever it was that was in our past. We were not quite there yet.

I asked the question I had been thinking, about if he missed his life before he met me and got the answer I had been hoping for. It seemed like things were falling to place for us.

When he got that mischievous look to his eyes I knew he was up to something and when he pretty much attacked me, I couldn't do anything but to moan and respond to every touch and kiss he planted on me.

I had pretty much gotten over about my insecurities by now. He didn't think there was anything strange about me being scarred so how could I concentrate on that when he was making love to me like this?

We made out on the couch, he was straddling my lap but for some reason he didn't do the usual things, like rubbing himself against me. He was up to something, definitely. He kept touching me though, pulling my shirt off and then continuing with the extremely teasing touches and kisses to all of my upper body.

"Edward..." I moaned when his teeth grazed my nipple for the tenth time.

"What, Jasper?" he asked and when I looked at his eyes, the challenge there, the love and determination to get me to beg which I knew well by now, I grinned back.

"Oh...nothing. Bedroom maybe?" I shrugged like I wasn't affected by this at all.

One look at me would have told otherwise. My erection was clearly visible even though I was wearing jeans and I knew my eyes would betray me as well.

"Now, why would you want to go there?" Edward smirked.

"I don't know...a bit tired I suppose." I shrugged nonchalantly, or tried to, because the last word became a moan when he cupped me through the jeans.

"Hmm...well that is interesting. Maybe you should take care of that first?" he asked, nodding towards my crotch.

"Yeah, you're right. I think I'll just go take a shower and jerk off." I said and tried to look serious about it. Of course I didn't fool him for a second but this was a fun game.

"Okay." he said, a mock indifference and got off me and the couch.

I decided to play his game and got up, heading to the bathroom where I stripped the rest of my clothes off and tossed them in the hamper. I actually could shower now instead of in the morning so I did step in to the shower and turned the water on.

I think I stood there for a few seconds before I noticed him watching me through the glass. I smirked, I had left the door open for a reason and it had worked.

"What?" I asked before ducking my head under the water and getting my hair wet.

"No, just waiting for you to do what you said you were here to do." he said and leaned to the counter to watch me.

He had his jeans on still and he was making no effort with taking them off or joining me.

"Oh, sorry. Forgot about that already." I told him and smirked, it was pretty obvious my 'problem' was still very much there.

So I turned my back to him, the water was hitting my shoulder and side, and began to stroke myself. There was a slight huff from Edward but he said nothing. I knew he wanted to tell me to turn so he could see but he didn't. His game, not mine. I smirked and reached my other hand to play with my balls.

I moaned a bit at the sensation, my head lolled back and I knew how I looked like from where he was. This was actually quite a nice game...

I was hearing him make sounds he couldn't keep in. He moaned when I did couple of times. Then I heard his jeans hit the floor and soon there was the telltale click from the glass door.

I paid no attention to him, just kept stroking myself under the warm water.

Edward was doing something, I didn't know what until I felt his fingers on my ass, kneading the soft flesh and the muscles underneath. He was only touching me with his hands, but right now that was more than enough.

My hand began to move faster and then I felt his fingers slide between my legs from behind, he was stroking my perineum slowly but putting some pressure to his touch. I released my hand from my balls and leaned to the wall for support.

At one point in my life I couldn't have done this. Nobody had seen me do this to myself before. I wondered if I had ever told Edward that.

The thought spurred me on and my strokes became different, I was twisting my hand now, moaning with the sensations and my breathing was getting shallow.

He removed his hands just to do something and it wasn't until he slid one finger, rubbing lube to my ass, when I realized what he was doing. I moaned a bit when his finger went in, reaching for my prostate.

Edward turned the water off and pushed my hand away from my cock.

"I'm going to take that off your hands..." he murmured to my ear as he wrapped his fingers around it.

He didn't move his hand immediately, just the finger inside me moved, he added another finger and kept massaging my prostate, waiting for something. He got he was waiting for when my hips started to move involuntarily. My hands sought the smooth tiles and my head dropped between my hands as the sounds I was making became more wanton and loud.

"What is it, Jasper? What do you want?" he asked huskily, suddenly rubbing his own erection against my thigh.

"More...I want you...more..." I gasped and moaned and I would have taken anything he wanted to give me. I was sliding out of my own reach, out of control and in to the pleasure he was giving me.

His hand began to pump in rhythm with his fingers and it took me all of maybe a minute to groan and release my seed over the tiled wall. I was shaking as he moved his hands to hug me and turned the water back on.

Without asking, as he knew, he took my vanilla shampoo and began to wash my hair. It wasn't that girly kind of sweet vanilla you usually find, but more pure vanilla type of deal and it was mild. I alternated between it and some others, but Edward seemed to want me to smell like it today.

I briefly wondered if he needed his release, but had no time to ask as his fingers began massaging my scalp and I was lost in the sensations once again. Suddenly I knew what I wanted. The realization hit me enough to make me stand up a bit straighter and Edward's hands stopped their movement.

"Something wrong?" he asked, worriedly. He always worried when I froze even for a second. I knew why and my heart ached for his worry.

"Oh, nothing, just an idea I had." I said and I turned my head for the first time to properly look at him as the last remnants of the shampoo were floating to the drain.

"Oh..." he said, clearly wanting to ask but he had learned I'd tell him when I was ready.

I washed his hair, carefully avoiding touching his erection that had turned in to a semi by now and we then made our way out of the bathroom and in to the bedroom. I climbed on the bed and settled down, waiting for him to join me.

"Edward..." I begun and once he had settled down next to me he looked at me questioningly. "I was thinking...I want to make love to you." I said and he looked at me with an expression that told me he didn't know what I was saying.

"You know you don't have to ask." he just said and I nodded.

See, the thing was that we had had sex a lot more now. Or not really, it never was sex for us, it was making love in the very basic meaning of the word. We seemed to need to reconnect a lot. We needed it for our relationship and for ourselves too. He needed to be shown I loved him despite of his past and I needed it to know he really did love me, no matter what I looked like or how others still looked at me.

I had only bottomed for him once. After the night we met Paul in the park and it had been too soon then. I wasn't absolutely certain about my feelings then, not like I was now. I had freaked out a bit in the morning, distanced myself from Edward for a couple of days and as always he had given me time to deal. I had, but I had never bottomed again.

We had discussed it when I had gotten over the whole ordeal I had made happen all by myself. I had told him that when I was ready, and eventually I would be, it would be the last step for me. So he would know now, how special this was. I also knew that I might end up being the bottom in our relationship for the most part. Of course it had been proven we were both versatile, but those roles, as I was about to suggest them, were more natural for us for some reason. We could switch when we wanted to, but relinquishing control and letting go of my fears was something I was looking forward to do now and in the future. As long as I'd have him.

"No..not like we usually do... I think I want to give myself to you." I used his words on purpose.

He looked at me for a split second until his eyes changed, he let out a breath and looked at me, amazed.

"Jasper, love...are you sure?" he asked, but I could tell he was turned on by the idea. It made me want it more but it made me scared too.

"Yes. I'm sure. But..." I sighed a bit and looked at my lap.

"I know, love. I know. We have no rush and we don't even have to do it tonight." he said and shifted to sit closer to me to be in touching distance.

He still kept his distance to me until I initiated contact, especially in bed. I was sick and tired of this dancing around touching me when he wanted to. I was ready and I needed to show it to him.

"I want you to make love to me. Now." I told him in a determined, husky tone.

Edward's eyes darkened visibly.

"What are you waiting for...?" I taunted him, smirking in a way he probably had never seen me smirk before.

I don't know what he had had in mind at the couch earlier, but he sure was getting more aggressive now. I hope this wouldn't backfire for either of us. It could, I knew that, but I hoped it wouldn't.

Before I knew it, we were just a mass of limbs, mouths and moans. Even if it was evident that we wanted this, badly, there was still something tender and very loving about what we were doing. It was like we were setting up to fuck but would end up making love anyway. I kinda liked it.

"I'd really want...this to take a long time..." I gasped when he leaned his mouth over my nipple, "but I just want you inside me..." I said and he understood what I meant.

It was likely he wouldn't last for long. After the shower and not having any release and with all the extra excitement of the situation at hand... But I wouldn't mind. I just wanted to feel him.

He leaned to the nightstand for lube and a condom and prepared me quite fast. It was easy, I was ready and the shower had made me more responsive to relax my muscles.

"May I?" I breathed when he was about to unwrap the condom.

He grinned at me and gave it to me. I couldn't help but smile a bit at his expression and the way his cock twitched at what I was doing. I rolled the condom over his length and his hips moved a bit.

"Eager..." I murmured and he chuckled a bit sheepishly.

"Come on then, lover..." I nearly purred at him and kissed him almost violently which made him growl in to my mouth. "And I want to do it like this." I told him and moved from him and placed myself on the bed on all fours.

I looked at him over my shoulder and I knew I looked him with a challenge in my eyes.

I jumped a bit when he slapped my ass as he moved behind me, kneeling between my legs.

"You should know better than to challenge me like that, Jasper..." he murmured and took the lube to coat himself and my ass again.

I was shivering with anticipation. I wanted this so badly, I was willing to give this to him, because I needed to give myself to him in a way that would make this all so much more final for me. This had been the last thing I was holding on to. The last bit of myself I was holding on to in case he would leave me. At least I could have said to myself that he never got me fully.

If he had left yesterday, he wouldn't have all of me with him. If he'd leave tomorrow, I would be left with nothing that he hadn't had.

"I love you, Edward." I whispered, looking at him over my shoulder.

He looked back at me and even with the darkened gaze, he smiled at me gently, suddenly stroking my back with his fingers in a very loving gesture.

"I love you, Jasper." he said before slowly pushing in to me, filling me and taking what I wanted to give.

He stayed still for a moment, I could actually feel him growing in me which I found impressive considering his hard on had been probably painful by the time I put the condom on him.

Edward reached his hand and touched my back, scraping his nails against my skin because he knew I liked it. I didn't have to move my hips to tell him I was ready, he began to move very slowly and with surprising control.

The way he moved, slowly, agonizingly slowly, was almost too much.

"Edward..." I whimpered after a few moments, I needed more than this.

He didn't ask this time, he knew.

Edward gripped my hips firmly and began to move faster. My arms gave in and I settled to my elbows, making him groan because of the change of the angle.

My face was against the comforter, I was lost in the way he made love to me, how deep his thrusts were and how he didn't speak but still made sounds that drove me crazy. I could feel his emotions in everything. Like both of our emotions were separate beings in this room, on the bed and around us while we were wrapped in the most primal act and our mutual love for each other.

Suddenly, when he hit my sweet spot, I exploded, shuddering and spasming around him, with a long whimper escaping my lips as I was suddenly somewhere very different, somewhere in the outer space or just consumed with the emotional pleasure that the physical one brought me.

He came as well, with one deep thrust more and wrapped his arms around my waist, leaning to my body as his hips pumped involuntarily. He was breathless, gripping my waist so tight I knew he was somewhere very far at the same time he was so impossibly close.

When he finally released his hands from around me and pulled away from me, I pretty much collapsed to my side. Edward chuckled at my expression which was probably something close to being half alive and completely blissed out at the same time.

He went to do the mandatory things and returned with a washcloth to clean up both me and the bed.

"Oops." I said, looking at him with what was most likely a cheshire grin on my face.

"Someone looks happy." he smirked and I nodded, looking at him intently. "Thank you." I said and he shook his head.

"No, I know what it must have taken. And why you wanted it. Thank you, Jasper. I'm grateful." he said before going to the bathroom. He came back via the kitchen with a bottle of water we shared, snuggling together under the covers.

I didn't argue with him. I knew he had given to me as much as I had given to him. There were no words needed like it had come to be between us lately. I knew I was meant to be with him and he belonged with me.

It had taken us quite a lot of soul searching and conversations. There had been some key moments and even though it wasn't easy, sometimes something ugly from one of our pasts raised its head we got through those things together.

Things were to come, things that would change lives, many lives, but luckily that evening I didn't know that yet.

We laid in the bed, talking about where we'd go to that little vacation of ours. He agreed that we should talk to Esme about it. She could organize anything, Edward said and I didn't doubt him.

"I want to be like this...always..." he said suddenly, after we had been quiet for a long time and were almost falling asleep.

I was quiet for a moment. It hadn't taken for long for us, had it? I had thought I'd never get here. Let alone let anyone get close to me, suddenly here I was. It was like fate that had so cruelly pulled the rug from under me so many times had finally decided to give in. I hoped it wasn't just temporary.

"Me too..." I whispered to his neck, wrapping my arms around him in a slightly possessive way which I didn't realize until he chuckled softly.

"I love you." he whispered and leaned to kiss the first bit of skin he could catch with his lips. It was my cheek, as I had turned my head towards him. He kissed the right side of my face affectionately. There was no hesitance in the gesture.

My heart filled with something, I let the adoration and devotion wave over me as they radiated from him and realized I was reflecting them back to him like a mirror.

"I love you too."

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**AN2:** Okay, I think this is **the end of FYW**. Don't worry, **there is a sequel planned** that deals with the things that they've been hinting at for the last couple of chapters. It's a completely different story though, so that's why it is a sequel instead of just more chapters to this one.

I'll write a few chapters of it first and post after my beta has checked them through. Might take some time but meanwhile there is a second chapter for **Comfort In Pain** forming in my head so you'll get that and maybe other things as well while you wait for the sequel.

Put me on author alert if you want to be informed about the sequel as soon as it has been posted. Shouldn't be for too long, I hope. :)

Also, following me on **Twitter** wouldn't hurt either. ;) **DarkiraFF**

This chapter's mandatory reading tip is **starfish422's Deep Dish**. It's a story about Jack, the friend of Edward and Jasper's who got his own outtake in **Over the Top** before. It is lovely, go check it.


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